A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend has lied to me for five years about watching porn, what should I do?I feel so uncomfortable that my boyfriend watches porn. I know he used to watch porn a lot when he was single and i know a lot of men do that. But after we started dating I told him how I felt about him watching porn. He told me "he will respect me and won't watch it because he knows it's degrading". However on numerous occassions I asked him... if he was watching porn because i seen some pop-ups on our computer. He told me he would never do that and even swore on my life. Look right into my eyes and told me to believe him and would get mad if i didn't believe him. So like a fool, i trusted him because... i believed we wouldn't lie to me because i thought we had a good relationship. I don't know what to do right now I can't trust him..after lying to me for five years it's really hard to forget this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): I am sorry you are going through this, I understand how you feel. I have decided to share my experience in hopes I may shed some light on what may be happening, I say may be happening because to each there own, however our stories share more than a few similarities.
It wasn’t until roughly 7 months ago I was no longer in the dark; the secrets were out, at least regarding porn. This is the way I feel now, our trust has been broken.
My good friend of 8 years and I openly expressed our love a year and a half prior. Before we started seeing each other romantically I had expressed the importance of trust and communication saying that it comes down to morals, which I hold firm to. He had come to learn throughout our friendship years these were not only words they had backing.
A while back I was living with a boyfriend; we had adopted and rehabilitated an abused dog who had become our child, we were a family. After discovering porn for the first time after living together for two years, I asked about it, something didn’t feel right. Our relationship came to an abrupt end once a computer professional confirmed the information I had been fed was incorrect, I had been lied to. Because of the circumstance I not only had to leave him I had to cut ties with my dog, my baby. My friend (now partner) knew the hurt this caused and how I wanted to do everything I could to prevent being lied to in the future.
I made it clear that out of respect, regardless the severity of the situation or how much it would hurt to hear, I asked he refrain from lying; in return I promised I would not get angry and fly off the handle I would respect his honestly which would allow forgiveness returning the same level of respect.
Being in each others lives for some time I was well aware he has always focused more on musical and intellectual talents rather than chasing women and his previous six year, nearly platonic relationship was no surprise. My understanding was they shared much of the same interests musically which overpowered his lack of physical attraction. They continued living together out of comfort for both themselves and there large group of closely nit mutual friends. I’ve recently learned this is accurate yet partial. Eventually he admitted the reason they were not intimate was Porn. I understand all to well how that could happen…
A combination of his denial and my naiveness, made it easy to rationalize and therefore overlook the fact he couldn’t get hard in the beginning. I was unaware that this is a common side affect when males abuse porn.
Eventually our issue improved and only became an issue again every so often. His explanation seemed plausible, lack of rest, overworking, and general life stresses; were enough to put my analyzing skeptical mind at ease. The idea that porn was in the picture had not entered my brain at this point, making it easy for him to continue.
Seven months ago, through the kindness of giving me his old computer and not deleting a thing, it became clear he had been hiding porn. I stayed true to my word staying calm and listening to what he had to say. After a long heart to heart he had come clean that porn had been a part of his life for over 8 years and was habit. He didn’t think twice about how it would make me feel, he never met to hurt me, it wasn’t about me. I believe this to be true.
Now that he knew my thoughts, how it felt as if he had been cheating because he kept it from me, and because we are deeply in love, and he didn’t want something such as porn to jeopardize this, there would be no more. Let me make that clear, I gave no ultimatum, I only expressed my feelings and he made the decision to stop.
I was and am still as madly in love with him as he is with me. Because of this I took some time to decide if I was going to take his word for it and forgive or end it. His saving grace was the fact that I had not caught him lying; he had kept porn from me but as far as I knew came clean when I asked about it. I told him that from now on he had to be open with me and if I brought up porn he had to be honest, as before I would not get angry. So on we went, things were good we were closer than before, we were happy.
Close to a month later I had asked how he was doing, he lied, I felt it. I found evidence and was absolutely heart broken. The love I have for this man is unbelievable; I’m getting emotional thinking about it. Crushed and extremely confused I began researching trying to find as much information I could to better understand what was happening. After taking many factors into consideration I have stuck with him, he is dedicated to getting through this as am I.
When he made the decision to stop, he tried but couldn’t. The shame he felt prevented him from being truthful even though he knew his lies would be the end. I knew that we were dealing with something deep, that this was an addiction and he needed help and support. Meetings with an addiction counselor have been very helpful, days before they met he had stopped cold turkey and been porn free for six weeks. Two weeks ago I got a sick feeling; I was hoping he would tell me without me having to ask. Wishful thinking, but I will give him credit were credit is due; he was honest when I asked. He had slipped up once, after parting with friends and was alone. He explained he realized what he was doing and immediately stopped. I tried not to get upset which would add to the guilt he already felt, but at the same time reminded him that it was not only himself he let down, it was me as well. This is regarding the actual viewing of porn and the fast that he has made the decision himself that porn does more harm than good in his life and because of this is has got to stop. This is different from the real issue here, trust. I think the same goes for your situation, It seams you are upset he is looking at other women, which when you think about it is slightly trivial, I mean as far as you have said his actions are far from physically cheating on you. He comes home to you, spends time with you and snuggles you at night. At the same time I truly understand how you are feeling, I did feel the same way. Trust, on the other hand is essential; in my opinion without it you have nothing. This is only my opinion though.
We are working hard to regain my trust, both him and I are working hard, it is by no means easy, it has not vanished into thin air, and the fact we are both far from perfect makes forgiveness a must. I can forgive him for making mistakes because it was never his intent to hurt me.
If you can walk away from nothing else try your hardest to allow these words to sink in…
Your boyfriend watching porn is NOT about you. This is NOT happening because you are ugly or fat or not good enough. As much as it feels it is, ITS NOT. I can without a doubt in my mind assure you of this. Whatever you do don’t let his issues reflect your self worth no one is worth that.
If possible try and turn the overwhelming sick feelings of inadequacy into the power you now have knowing what is really going on therefore you are now in a position were you get to decide what’s next.
This goes for anyone in a similar situation, after you sit down and calmly give him a chance to be heard without getting to upset or telling him every detail your feeling to prevent a huge blow up, walk away take a huge breath and listen to your heart. You will know by what you have heard weather you are going to stick by him or if you deserve better.
I really don’t know your whole story, but what I do know is that he is one hell of a lucky man if you do stick by him and if you decide you deserve better, you now know what to look out for, what to avoid and more importantly your personal boundaries.
I know I have probably repeated myself many times over, and to some sound preachy. In a way I am writing this for me and with the intent of sharing my story and my views. I googled something similar to what most of you reading this did seven months ago; searching for something thing that would take away my pain. Let me make this clear you can’t believe everything you read on the internet to be true let alone make life decision from what Joe Blow has to say. Although I have learned a few things during these past months through experiencing them first hand. If I had come across post at first who knows if I would have read it or if I had, agreed enough to finish it. However if I did, I would have a tiny seed planted in the back of my brain knowing it may be a larger issue than watching porn, that he is not doing it to hurt me or does not do it because I am not good enough, not one of those cookie cutter Barbie robots we label as ‘Porn Stars’ are worth more than our own self worth, not one!
Stay Strong and Calm, to make your self ill won’t help a thing. TLC is what you need, you deserve it. Remember bottom line is you are in charge; you get to decide what’s next for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Hello. I caught my boyfriend watching it last night with me right near him. its been a constant argument in our relationship. He at one time promised to not watch it anymore b/c it upset me and well, obviously that promise was not kept. Everyone tells me that is not anything against me and he tells me that...its something that boys/men do. Ok, I can live with that...but what happens when its affecting your relationship...such as lying? watching it when you are 2 ft away and trying to hide it? They are going to do what they want to do at times. We can't stop at stuff like this. I think its whether we are willing to accept it or not...but i do believe there needs to be a compromise...one that it doesn't affect your sex life and two that you do it completely in private. I don't think they realize how upsetting it is...b/c when it comes to that...they are so selfish. I feel for you and understand what you are going through. Its not fair, but i guess it all comes down to what you can deal with or not. I am getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advices everyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): ok... but, if he had told you (just playing devils advocate) what would you have done? Maybe if you both sat down together and decided a medium.. something you both could agree on.. not particularly love but agree on.
im not saying what he did was right...decieving is not good at all, and that is really what he did. Not break your trust. If you two were to go out he would have all eyes for you.
so the key is finding a way to work through your hating the porn and him liking it. that seems to me the only answer... communication. find a way to co-exsist through this. The other thing is maybe if you said so what and watched it WITH him.. (woman porn i mean) maybe you guys could you know... work it out. Not all porn is completely degrading some is kinda fun (pirates is my fav).. find a way to communicate through this issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply. I agree with you. The bigger issue is that he has lied to me. On many occassions I asked him very nicely if he watches porn. But over and over again he would refuse and Deny.
Any advice from any males?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): People are quick to jump on the 'defend my right to porn' bandwagon here.......I think the real issue is that he has been lying to you. If you asked him in the beginning and he was honest, then you could have based your decision to go out with him before you were attached, or in love with him....now you find yourself in a delima.I don't think that it is fair that you have to face this decision now....he should have been honest with you from the beginning. Porn IS a deal breaker for many women and it IS disruptive in a relationship when someone is lying about it....what else does he lie about? Are there other things that he does behind my back that would hurt me? Lies undermine trust and trust is essential to any healthy relationship.We are not talking about porn at this point, you are living with a liar, and a porn user...that is the reality of the situation. Personally, I don't think porn is harmless. I was in a relationship with a porn addict for 5 years and I learned a lot! If a man is prone to addiction, he can develop erectile dysfunction and abandon his mate in the sack, that is not harmless in my book.You have a tough decision to make here, but I would not bring up the porn as the problem, I would bring up the lying....that has to be addressed....then you will be able to trust when you ask him, are you going to continue using porn in our relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thanks for the reply, I understand what you are saying. It's only up to the person if they want to change. I'm not controlling him that's the last thing i want to do because relationship never work out like that. But it just makes me upset that he kept it a secret and he knows how i feel about it.
Also, if he didn't like me doing something that upsets him i know that i wouldn't do that thing again out of respect.
But yeah everyone has a different point of view and i respect that.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 Maybe they are just pop-ups? Do you have any other proof that he is lying to you about it in the first place? The thing about porn is that once a guy starts looking at it, chances are he is going to continue looking, even if it means lying to you. For some reason or another, guys don't find watching porn as something that they should feel guilty about. That being said, there are two ways to go about this (given that you do have the evidence that he has been lying to you all this time and actually is watching porn). The first way to go is accept the fact that your boyfriend always has and always will watch porn. He's not going to change for you. Most women have this illusion that they can change the man they are with to suit their own emotional needs. This however is false. You can't change your boyfriend, no matter how much talking and threatening you might attempt. You can sit down with him and say that you now know he watches it and you can ask questions as to why he watches it to further understand the process and put your mind to ease. Why do you not like the idea of him watching it? Is it the fact that he is watching other women naked? You need to realize that while he is watching other women, it really has no reflection on how he feels about you. He doesn't find you any less attractive than these women, and he doesn't compare you in any way to them. He is just watching these women to get off when he is alone. Guys can't just sit there and fantasize like us women can in order to get off. They are very visual and physical. Like you know how women read romance novels? It's basically the same thing. Have you ever tried watching porn on your own? It might give you a better understanding of why he does it in the first place. The other option is realizing that he isn't going to change and making the final decision to leave him. There are a select few guys out there who don't watch porn, so maybe they would be a better choice if this issue is really important to you. The fact that he lied would hurt me more than the porn itself, though he probably didn't see it as important enough to get you upset by it. The bottom line is, you need to either accept and perhaps try to understand his appeal to porn, or just leave entirely. You aren't going to change who he is or what he does, and he will continue watching porn whether you are there or not. I'm not saying that porn is right or wrong, it's just a factor of life. Especially with guys. My boyfriend and I both happen to watch porn when we aren't together, and we actually find it hilarious to compare and contrast things we find funny about some of the clips we see. So it doesn't have to be damaging to a relationship if you are willing to stay with the guy. Whatever you decide is up to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): ok i am going to go out on a limb here and i hope that you believe i am not attacking you...
Honey its about watching hot chicks and living a fantasy. if you don't stop you will drive him away. He was doing it before you then you come along and expect him to change. Couldn't he demand the same of you? That you watch it cause he does not find it degrading.
So you were not to be a fool to trust him.. its his wanker and he can wank it what ever way he likes as long as hes not doing it with another woman.
but you are a fool to think you can MAKE someone change. Not only that, its not right.
I understand you think its degrading.. thats fine.. but you backed him into a corner and gave him dam if you do and dam if you don't type situation.
damed if he watches and enjoys himself and damed if he gets caught damed with you...???? i have to ask, if he is only supposed to DO it your way... what is there for him?
i would not be with someone who says "you cant do this if your with me".. that is controlling behavior and something you need to work on. If you cannot accept him getting off on porn.. then maybe you do need to consider letting him be.
not because of the fact that he watches porn but because you cant control what he is watching.
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