A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! This is a bit long, so I really hope you have the patience... I recently turned nineteen and the guy I'm into is turning twenty on March 8th. We met in Speech class (required for any degree) four weeks ago and I basically wasted the first three weeks not talking to him because I'm a bit on the shy side, plus I was thinking another guy was pretty cute. I later learned the other guy had a girlfriend, so I basically lost all interest in him. Anyways, the semester ends in May, so you could say I'm a bit tight for time.A few dilemmas I currently have:1. Even though the guy I'm into is currently undecided as to where he wants to go after community college, there's no guarantee he will stay in the area and wait until I graduate from this specific college. I graduate at the end of Spring 2010; he graduates the end of this Spring.2. About three months ago, I was finally able to walk away from a really bad relationship that lasted two years. (The guy abused me physically and verbally and even cheated on me.) My ex pretty much instilled in me some pretty bad trust issues when it comes to guys. I'm getting a little better with it, but I still can't help but think that maybe any guy I come to have some kind of feeling for will hurt me in some way or another. It's an annoying thing to think about, but a girl has to take precautions, right?3. I am a bit shy and we're in this small group thing for Speech, so basically whenever we actually hang out, we'll be with four other people. I've texted him a couple times and we had a rather small conversation on AIM a couple nights ago and I've been able to at least say, 'Hi,' to him in class, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. It's aggravating!I don't see myself being with him in a fling; I see us being in an actual relationship. A long-term relationship. This may sound pathetic but I did do a little investigating and I found some stuff out about him on MySpace and Facebook. I've come to the realization that we have a lot of the same values, morals, political/religious points of view, music and movie interests, and goals in life. I like him a lot but I only have about five months to play with here, seeing as he might go away to a university in the Fall. It really isn't fair that I end up with this kind of situation considering what I went through in the past. I find this guy to be amazingly gorgeous and he's so funny, he's intelligent, he's going somewhere in life, and he's just an all-around great guy! Not to flatter myself, but I have caught him staring at me a couple times and I do admit that I blushed when that happened.To be honest, there are only two downfalls that I can tell from him already:1. He doesn't like the Harry Potter series and I'm pretty much obsessed with the series. I don't care so much if he doesn't like it, I just want him to respect my love for it and during that conversation on AIM, he told me he's fine with it.2. He looked a little disappointed when I told him that I still don't have my own car. I felt small at that moment, but it hasn't stopped me from constantly thinking about him.Other than those things, I find him to be out of this world! I just want to know how to work my "flirting magic" (or lack thereof) and get him to ask me out within the next few months. He's thinking about going a university that is only about 45 minutes south of where we live, but seeing as I still don't have a car, I don't know how that could work if I can't visit him whenever the hell I want to. I was thinking about going to the same university, but I wouldn't be able to go until Fall of 2010. That's an entire year we would have to make this work semi-long-distance.I basically need anyone on here to tell me what to do with this situation. Please help. Thanks!
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male
reader, Tomas +, writes (2 March 2009):
I wouldn't rush into anything, given the 5-month-left and the at-least-1-year-to-university timeframes.
Rather, I'd treat it as a chance to get to know (and be known by) someone you like who has similar interests.
Since that is potential friend territory (a nice way to build a non-fling relationship), and since guys don't do subtle hints, I'd suggest humor. Basically be the lady who is friendly with a teasing hint of something more in the future, without pushing it. Figuring out how you will visit him at university without a car is pushing it. Facebook is borderline pushing it (common interests matter as they make it more likely you'll relate well to each other; they are not the relationship itself).
But a vibe that is "hey you seem like a fun person to hang out with and talk to, and get to know" ... I think guys respond well to that. Flattering, but no pressure. No sense that you've already decided anything.
"You drink coffee? (Me too/neither! (I'll pick you up in your car at my place at 8pm.))"
The exact words of course don't matter and should be something friendly, perhaps slightly mischievous, something you might say to an joking old friend. Something comfortable.
As for trust issues, that comes later. Getting hurt, and being wary, is the learning process of being able to protect and take care of your emotions. Like getting sick builds your immune system. It's essentially a healthy though painful process.
For now, you just want to know if he stares at other women (or men) that walk by, if he steps on every story you tell, if he tips well, if he smiles at you.
The main thing is, try not to come across as someone manipulating the situation. The more up-front, direct, cheerful and casual you seem, the more relaxed he will be. Guys (as I said above) don't do subtle, and they (we) generally don't like drama, so a girl who says "hey you seem interesting, buy me a cup of coffee" is like cool drink of water on a hot day. A girl who tried to get a guy to read her mind projects future fights where he won't know what he did wrong.
Don't overthink it or overplan it. Relax, be yourself, and speak up.
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