A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've just moved into a shared student flat in a convenient location near the uni I've just started a course at. It's an ideal location.I moved in a bit later than two of the other people in the flat because I live within an hour and waited until I was about to start my course as opposed to starting living there a week before (also, I only confirmed my place the week I started uni). Anyway, for the first week I barely saw anyone around. I prefer to stick to my room when I'm not out at uni or socialising anyway, but I've used the kitchen/living area a decent amount and only encountered both flatmates once in the corridor on the way to my room. I've said hello to them both, which I had to initiate. Anyway, this morning I went to the kitchen to grab a drink before leaving for class. The girl was there. I said hey first. She then asked me if I had had internet the night before. I said yes. She hadn't apparantly. I then said, "Oh, I'm my name by the way". She told me hers, which I acknowledged. It was a pretty unusual name though, so whilst I got the gist of it, I knew I'd need to hear it again or see it written down before memorising it. At any rate, I was in a rush to get to class so I said bye (to no acknowledgement) and left. Anyway, I go back to grab some lunch today and she's in the living area. I say hey. I can't remember if she responded, but then she said, in a sort of hostile and accusary tone, "I need to ask you a question. Have you put your stuff in the communal drawers." I said no, and then checked them to confirm this. Not my stuff. She nodded but didn't apologise for the accusation. Then she started with "Why did you tell me your name this morning?". And I, confused, said "Cos we're flatmates?". She said, "You didn't seem at all interested in my name. Do you even know what it is?" And I admitted, "I probably don't know the pronounciation, no, sorry." And she then had a real go at me, ending it by saying "I'm not in the mood to tell you how to say it now". I shrugged, said sorry about the misunderstanding, and went to my room.Now, she's been standoffish every time I've seen her so far. I suppose it can be argued I should have introduced myself sooner by forcing a meeting, but I've been busy and hadn't seen her (plus, she didn't make an effort at all, either). Not knowing her name properly is a faux pas, but I apologised for that and it wasn't anything to do with not being interested. Anyway. Now I'm not interested. She seems like a very obnoxious and hostile person, and I'm not interested in her becoming a considerable person in my life. Like I say, I'm happy to stick to my room as often as possible when I'm at the flat, only really using the communal area if I have guests (which will likely be rare) or to use the microwave/fridge/oven. And she's not there that often, or hasn't been, so I guess I can avoid her easily enough. I'm really more interested in any advice in general. Should I let it slide completely? Should I apologise to her again (I don't think so, but if pragmatically it'll put any end to any awkwardness, fair enough)? Should I just keep avoiding her as much as possible? And if she continues to be rude, do I just grit my teeth, act as civil as possible in the little time I do need to see her, or would it be worth complaining to the landlady if it continues?Thanks.
View related questions:
flatmate, in the mood, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): I agree with deidre11 - she sounds horrible - give her a second chance by making attempts to "start again", but don't let her push you around.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Firstly why shouldn't you put your stuff in the communal draws?! You live there too! She has a serious attitude problem and possible came from a home were she had everything her way, you know one of these spoiled immature types.
Because you have to live with her, and for your own sake you, understandably would prefer to be civil with her....
In that case I would say something like, look I know we got off on the wrong foot, its just im not very good with names. You cannot be anymore civil than that. But if she still acts like a pompous twat, just because you had difficulty with her name, write her off, do your own thing.
Now if she interferes with any property belonging to you or becomes abusive in anyway towards you then go to the landlady. In the mean time have that little convo with her and do not be afraid to use the facilities in you accomodation, or the communal draws, afterall you pay your rent too.
Be confident around her even if things are awkward she seems like the type of person that would make people feel bad inorder to make her feel good. So stand your ground.
I know theres nothing worse once you have to live with a person like that, but she's just trying to make her mark as boss of the household, each time she is rude to you make sure you pull her up on it. Afterall you are both adults and it costs nothing to show a little resepect to other people.
I hope this gets sorted out for you and don't let it in on you.
Good Luck.x
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 I completely understand this problem, because I had the worst roommate on this planet! Anyway, you say you want to stay in your room as much as possible and avoid the common area, but that's not really a practical situation in the long run. You will most likely have friends and guests over, as you start getting to know more and more people at uni.
The thing is, if someone is sensitive, even a certain look is enough to offend them. I can understand that you found her hostile. What you can do is, sometime either today or tomorrow when you have the time, walk up to her, smile and say, "look, we had a slight misunderstanding. I was in a hurry that day and maybe I came across as rude. Lets start again, ok? Since we're living together, lets not allow these things to come between us. I'm (your name) and I still dont know your name (my bad!!). "
If you do this, at least you have the satisfaction that you tried. If she's still obnoxious after this and makes life hell for you, complain to the landlady. Its nice to be nice but don't be a pushover. And remember, if you don't make use of the common areas, then she will. Don't compromise on anything. Its your flat too, you don't have to keep walking on eggshells all the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 First, talk to your other flat mate and get the name and pronunciation of this offended flatmate. Then when you see her again, have a little speech prepared.
"Angelikakopoliaiwan, I would like to start off again, this time on the right foot. My name is Claude, but my friends often refer to me as Clod because I can be a bit thick at times. I am often in a hurry, I am often distracted. If my usual state of rushed inattention caused me to offend you in any way, I am truly sorry for that.
"Rest assured, I have every intention of being a good flatmate, I will not break any written rules, and I will do my very best not to break any unwritten ones. I may need guidance there, and I respond best to positive reinforcement or constructive criticism.
"So I shall endeavour to contribute to the flat's harmonious and pleasant atmosphere and I will never ever forget your unusual and intriguing name.
"Thank you for listening to my little speech. I shall now vanish and go on about my day. I hope your day is pleasant. I hope you will forgive me by the year's end, if not sooner. Bye now!"
And then, you have shown yourself to be cognizant of your rudeness in not learning her name properly (it's not her fault it's a difficult name) and have tried to correct it.
If she continues to be standoffish and hostile, well, at least you tried and can hold your head up knowing that you have indeed done your best to correct an awkward introduction. Then it's all on her and you can ignore her for the rest of the year.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 "Have you put your stuff in the communal drawers." I said no, and then checked them to confirm this. Not my stuff. She nodded but didn't apologize for the accusation. "
Chill. She just asked a question. You can't be jumping at peoples throats for asking questions. It's not an accusation, it's a question, and you need to relax more about these incidents.
"she seems like a very obnoxious and hostile person" You'll not like it, but you appear the same way. You think everything she says is an insult or a personal attack at you. It is likely that this is what's causing the clash between you and her. You two are just the same. You weren't interested in getting to know her, and you complain that she wasn't interested in getting to know you either. When two people who are just the same meet, it tends to end in a clash.
Sit this one out. You think everything she says is an insult, and she thinks everything you say is an insult. So the solution is to stop being so rigid about it. Relax. Chill. Talk to her, just have some casual chats here and there and hopefully things will calm down. No need to apologize, and no need to even learn her name. But just be casual and chill about the entire thing, instead of getting worked up about it and getting all constipated. Let it go! Don't hold a grudge, just let it go. No need to avoid her, or create a hostile living environment over something as trivial as this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (10 October 2011):
 It's always going to be tricky if you've moved in a week later (I presume you missed freshers week?) as thats the greatest week to befriend your flatmates so they might see you as an outsider for a bit. I'd try and make an effort to spend some time in the communal area's and get to know your other flatmates. The girl does sound totally unreasonable, but she could be having a bad day, anything could have happened. Even so, you have plenty more flatmates :-) it's best to get in with them or else uni life could become unpleasent (plus they'll be more leniant if you ever come home drunk with a load of rowdy guests and mess up the kitchen whilst trying to cook noodles). Just give it some time :)
...............................
|
