A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Wow! So I haven't come here for advice in a very long time, I hope you're all well!Hmm I don't really know where to begin. I am nearly twenty seven and my partner is early forties, we have been together just over five years. We are currently renting a place together. We've discussed buying a house together, I was hoping it would happen next year when our rent came to an end at our current place. However, he has now said in a couple of years and not so close to my parents as we had previously discussed (I should point out I am an only child and incredibly close to my parents. My dad also doesn't have the best health and isn't getting any younger and I was hoping to live closer to them so I could see them more frequently) when I wanted to talk about it further, he could tell I was upset/worried and completely shut down the conversation and told me not to start worrying about it. How can I not? We've been together over five years and I feel like we're not getting anywhere.I feel really guilty, because I adore him, he's my best friend. He's really supportive and I know compared to some relationships I have nothing to moan about. But I just don't know if our relationship has ran it's course. I honestly can't remember the last time we had sex. We don't even kiss that much either if not at all. I feel bored, restless and unsettled. I should point out when I've tried to have sex he's said he's tired or fell asleep! I don't bother now and neither does he.I don't really know what I'm asking, just some advice would be good I guess.Thank you for reading and for muddling through my waffle!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2019): Here we are once more DC readers, another post about what I call the "Make-it or Break-it Phase" of a relationship.
I place that at the 3-5 year period within the relationship; when couples get itchy-feet, or complacent in their relationships. Passion is caput, and things seem predictable, boring, mundane, or dull. You're a long-term domesticated unmarried-couple, with or without children. Yet, you have a list of complaints. You feel unhappy!
This is when women of childbearing years start watching their biological-clocks; while he isn't showing any signs or interest in taking the next step. That being marriage. Why should he, he gets everything he'd get if you were married. He just won't have to split his assets and go through the expense and calamity of a divorce, when he's tired of the relationship; or doesn't want to support you or his kids anymore. He can pick a fight out of the blue, piss you off, pack a bag, and bounce! What could you do to stop him? You're not married!!!
You give him everything he'd get if you were his wife already. Now you want to create a "faux-marriage" by getting him to merge his credit and income with yours; so he can't just up and leave you. Sorry, combining assets and credit is better left to people who are married on paper. Then you'll have legal-rights and protections. In the event he ups and decides to let his credit go south; or racks-up a ton of credit card debt and/or loans.
If you have kids, you'd have to get a lawyer and seek a paternity test to fight for inheritance and birthrights for his children with you. If he marries and starts a family with someone else, his new legit-family may get everything with an iron-clad incontestable will. Your kids could be fighting in a probate court for years! See, you can make a pretend make-believe-marriage if you think you've found a way to hang-on to him; but the law only recognizes a real marriage.
You have every right to assess your relationship for what it's worth and where it's going. Bearing in-mind, it's only natural for any long-term relationship to plateau or level-off over time. That is, as a couple becomes more mature and established. It will happen in every marriage; but loving-couples work at it. They find ways to make it better; because real-love is durable, spontaneous, fiery, dips or dives, it's tempetuos, and requires constant maintenance. A good relationship stands-up to wear and tear, and it evolves. I don't care what bull magazines, social media, and hokey-dokey couples lie and tell you!
Your sex-drive should be pretty viable and intense for you at your age; but it tends to peak for men over 40. It may not be any loss of love or attraction, just time and age. Testosterone decreases with age, and sex-drive may go with it. He may also need a medical check-up to determine if he is developing erectile-dysfunction; or having a loss of libido due to undiscovered diabetes, or some other unknown physiological malady.
Hey, sometimes he is tired! Sex could very well be boring, and lacks any creativity or surprise coming from either of you! Tease him a little! Don't give-up trying just because he seems uninterested tonight. Try tomorrow! If he's always tired and always uninterested, then ask him why? You deserve to know!
Keep communication open about your needs and feelings. Men dread conversations about the relationship when it's all about what "he's" doing wrong. It takes two, so ask him what he wants from you. Let him tell you what he feels and thinks; without sulking, diving into a sour attitude, or pouting. Be mature and open-minded! It takes work! It also takes directness! Got something to say? SPIT IT OUT!!!
You have given this man your heart, body, time, and love. There is nothing you can't ask or talk about, no matter how awkward. He'll avoid it, and might even walk-out on any persistent attempt to discuss it. If that happens, you decide what's best for you. You won't know, if you don't ask. He won't know, if you won't tell him. Be brave, it's your life and future at stake here. It's not just his life!
Hold-off on buying a house together. What if he never wants to marry you? Do you really want to be stuck paying a mortgage with a guy you would marry, if only he'd ask, but he won't??? Sooner or later, he could even want out of the relationship. Then what?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2019):
 I don't understand why you ( and plenty of other OPs too ) would consider buying a house with a man who is not your husband yet ( and does not seem interested to become it ) , not only, but when the relationship is less than rock-solid and far from perfect. Why , I really don't get it. You are not even sure that you want / can carry on this relationship as it is now… and you are in a hurry to buy property together ??
Why , to end up in some dragged -on, stressful and expensive legal battle in case you split up °after ° you get the house ?
And why does he get to choose the location ? maybe you are not actually splitting the cost, and he does pay for everything by himself ? In this case, alas, yes he gets to choose, although obviously it is not very considerate of him to dismiss so casually your preferences and concerns
( and this tells you a lot about the state of your relationship ). Otherwise, if you pitch in too with your money, sorry no he does not get to choose ; either you can compromise and agree on a location that is ok for both of you or,- no money and no house. Come on, you wanted to move from where you are just in order to be closer to your father …. and you'd end up instead paying good money to be farther from him ?? Paying for the opposite of what you want ?? It does not sound such a brilliant scheme.
But love… the sacrifice you make for love… oh sure, love at times is worth making sacrifices. And.. is it really love ? Is it a love which can function, which can last ? Which can make you happy ?
Sorry but I don't buy it much either the " he's my best friend " spiel. If people felt fulfilled just by living all their life with their best friends… they'd do just that !, abolishing thereby marriage, and a lot of connected heartaches and complications, LOL. The point is, living with your best friend is not enough for most women. ( For some, it is. To each his own ). Most women want to live with their husband or lover, in a relationship that includes not just friendship but mutual attraction,physical affection and sexual encounters.
You don't do any of that - plus you would not even get to live where you prefer, or at least to discuss the matter thoroughly ! Think it over very well, and make sure that keeping your " best friend " happy , and near by, does not come to cost you more than you can afford in money AND life quakity...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 September 2019):
 THIS part of your post said it all for me: "I know compared to some relationships I have nothing to moan about". What you are effectively saying here is, "it could be worse".
Sweetheart, it could also be a LOT LOT better. You are only 27. You have only just started out on your life. You don't have sex because HE doesn't want it. You don't even kiss (or cuddle presumably). You are living with a friend, not a partner. This sort of set up is ok if you are both elderly or happy with the situation, but neither is the case here.
If you were happy living like this, then that would be absolutely fine. Each to their own. Everyone is different and people want different things. HOWEVER, you are obviously NOT happy. You WANT sex. You WANT intimacy with your partner. You are not getting that. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Stuck in a relationship with a man nearly old enough to be your father, who isn't really interested in making you happy if he has to put himself out at all? A man who now wants to move you away from your parents so he has even more influence on you?
I hear what you say that he is supportive and your best friend. That is great. However, do you want to live with your best friend or would you rather live with a partner who makes you feel wanted and desirable?
Also, I suspect (even though you don't actually say it) that he may be a bit controlling. Closing down a conversation because he does not like the way it is going is a method of control, i.e. I will only discuss this if you say what I want to hear. You are already feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation otherwise you would not have written in.
My advice would be, if you can afford it, to look for a place of your own to rent once this current lease expires. Choose it in a location which suits YOU (i.e. close to your parents if you feel you need to be close for them). If you can't afford to rent on your own, look to share a house with someone else in a similar situation. Start looking now so you have options. Let your partner make his own decisions about where he wants to rent. Then think long and hard about what sort of a relationship you are SETTLING for. You should not be settling at your age. You should be living your life and enjoying it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 September 2019):
 Why does HE get to choose where to buy a house? Is HE paying for the house? Will it be HIS house you live with him in?
You are 27 so IN your most FERTILE and sexual prime. He is (sorry) getting towards the DECLINE of his sexual prime. So you are mismatched sexually, most likely.
He KNOWS he can't keep up with you in that area. Which might be why he is pulling back with "buying a house plans." He might have seen the writing on the wall. Just like you are beginning to. You two are room mates who really LIKE each other and who are used to being with each other.
I think you should TALK to him. I get that he isn't interested in talking, but after 5 years together I think you are "owed" a conversation of what bothers you and what CAN be (hopefully) improved upon.
I would also say that buy a house together and NOT being married sounds like a bad idea. Unless you have a well documented financial record of the house/property. Just in case.
I feel it's kind of sad that YOU don't get to have much intimacy and I would DEFINITELY bring that up that you miss it.
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