A
male
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*oe
writes:hello people i aint been on for some time but i'm back and needing some advice my girlfriend is really leaving me confused. I've been with her for 1 year and 7 months and still not slept together, now she has already said by 8-9 months of being together she's ready but she is always coming up with some sort of reason to not do it first it's i have to get a lock on my door and says once i get the lock it don't matter if anyone is in, so i get the lock then she says she won't do it with people in the house, then she also says she would probably need to have a few drinks to sleep with me which is something i think any person really don't wanna hear am i right?.there is also other things were phyiscally i'm not really allowed to do much the only thing i can get away is grabing her bum thats all, also her personality is always one then other, one day she is actually happy to let do certain things with her whether it's messing about in bed and then the next day i can't do nothing and i mean literally nothing i have to ask for cuddles and kisses and any time i try to bring up the subject she gets frustrated and mad so what the hell am i meant to do? i refuse to let the physical edge of my relationship ruin things but it's hard to try and contain one simple mans needs when i do everything and anything for her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 April 2006):
 Hi Joe
After reading your reply, I did read your second paragraph and I will reiterate what I suggested initially if this girl has the urges but does not feel like she can take it further then the one and only thing that is going to help the situation is counselling. You have been trying to talk to her yourself for some time now and this just leads to further arguments or her feeling like she needs to withdraw again until you can get her out of her shell for even the remotest amount of contact.
Relate or something similar can put you in touch with sexual therapists and whilst she will probably shout you down in flames that she does not need to see someone like that and you can sort it out yourselves, it is now clear that you can't. If you care for one another as much as you say she does for you and you visa versa, it is worth trying and not too expensive either. Just tell her you want to understand and help her and always talk to her when you know it is a calm time. Women also have extreme mood swings each month around all of the menstrual cycle and some are more severe than others. It could be something simple like a hormone in balance as well so just say you want to help in whatever way you can as you love her and want to be there for her.
If she still refuses then do some research on her symptons yourself even on the net and maybe talk through what you think could be the problem, if she thinks it is not as severe as she thinks she may open up more.
You are only doing this to take your relationship forward and 95% of most women would value that in a man. So keep plugging and I wish you all the luck in the world.
BFN
A
female
reader, Suzie767 +, writes (6 April 2006):
 Im sorry but it sounds like this girl sees you as more of a friend than a lover. You need to find a way to make your relationship passionate or agree to go your seperate ways and stay friends. You might then meet someone who wants to show you the affection you deserve from a girlfriend
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): She dont like to do it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): Your gf has problems...emotional troubles. She's hedging bigtime because it sounds like she has bigtime anxieties about sexual interaction (the act itself). Her mood swings could be caused by her inner turmoil. She's likely quite anxious about her feelings and could be fearful of telling you this because she's worried you may not understand. So don't take this to heart..it's not you! It could be the act of sex that terrifies her. Some people experience intense anxiety, even panic at the thought of sex. While some of these people enjoy hugging, kissing, and similar touching, others find that their feelings of revulsion or anxiety extend to all physically intimate contact. She's allowing you to touch her sometimes, so I'm inclined to think it's the just the sex act itself.
Firstly, has she ever been in a sexual relationship before, with anyone at all? If she has, was she mistreated or abused, in any way? Dear, this is just my opinion...I could be dead wrong, but there's that possibility she has a phobia/aversion to sex. Talk to her and find out what she really feels about sex, itself. Find out if she's been mistreated, in her past. There are many people like her and the only way, through it all, is counselling. Maybe that's the route you should be going. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Joe +, writes (6 April 2006):
Joe is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm just curious to the fact that does any one take the second paragraph of my question in mind because she has consistantly told me she wants to and there has been days were she has wanted me as much as i wanted her but she just won't do anything about it she has days like that and then the next day she don't wanna know i have to wait months on end to do anything really physical with her the thing that fustrates me most is when she tells me she wants it and i ask well whats stopping you and she says i don't know and i say well then lets do it and even though she really wants to she still say no.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): Do you think she's not ready to progress further into a physical relationship? Sometimes, women are afarid to simply tell their man "No, I'm not ready" and will make up excuses to "buy more time".
Sit down with her, in a quite, comterable place and talk with her about it. Ask her honstly if she is ready for sex. Reassure her that you're not trying to pressure her, that you love her and you want what is best for both of you.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 April 2006):
After reading your reply I fully appreciate the fact that you love your girl and if you talk openly then why not get someone who does not have any agenda i.e. Relate or a couple counsellor to talk to you, you may think Relate is too much right now but through my own experiences, I feel that they give impartial advice and if money is tight they will charge you what you can afford i.e. £20 or so. I just think that even if you only have a couple of sessions you need to get things out in the open and if your girl wants your relationship to last as much as you do then what is the harm.
I know it is about open talking and the one thing it teaches you is to listen to what the other person is saying so it may just help. Worth a shot rather than the relationship just dying.
Good luck.
BFN
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A
male
reader, Joe +, writes (5 April 2006):
Joe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionregarding a few post here just wanted to say there hasn't been one day that passes were i don't tell her i love her, i don't suddenly start being nice and all emotional when i want sex as i'm always giving her the emotional side of me, i've always respected her feelings for sex or atleast try to(it's hard to explain when your girl wants you but still nothing happens), in all other parts of this relationship things are literally perfect we've never actually argued we've always talked things over, i've asked plenty of times if there were any issues she had with sex and she says no.just to make sure i don't confuse people about laws and stuff we live in the U.K and we are both 18
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (5 April 2006):
 How old is this chick?
Whatever, this girl sounds like she will mess with your head. You don't mention anything else about your relationship. Is it good, bad, indifferent, or just a source of sexual frustration for you? Sounds kinda like the latter.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 April 2006):
Sorry to say but this woman of yours is just playing games with you. If you have been with her for 1 year and 7 months and never actually had sex the question remains - why not?
When you are in a new relationship the one thing that you want to do whether you have never had sex or not is to find out more about one another so sexual attraction is part of the reason you get together in the first place.
What she has said to you about having a drink first means that she is being unfair and cruel. She needs to tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts. The fact that she is living under the same roof as you (I think what you what say), is one hell of a temptation for any man and if you have love for this woman it is only a natural urge to take things further.
If she won't talk to you then suggest that you need to go and talk about your relationship with someone i.e. Relate who can put you onto a sexual counsellor and then perhaps the truth of how she is really feeling may emerge. Has she had a bad experience in the past or been abused in any way?
Was it a whirlwind romance when you got together or did you just sort of fall into a relationship without a lot of passion?
Things cannot continue the way they are and whilst sex is not everything it plays a part in your relationship especially one that has not been going on for years on end as any couple cuts down on the physical side of things once you have been together for a while but for none from day one and for the length of time that has passed, you have ask the question - why?
I wish you good luck and just try and talk to her calmly and say you want to understand what is going on with her. Does she fancy you? Ask her outright and if she says yes then say well I need to know why we end up with so many arguments when I want to get close to you, if she knows you love her then perhaps she may open up to you if the conversation remains calm throughout.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): Hopefully you can sit down with her and talk about it. You should be able to talk about it with her and find out what really is bothering her. It sounds to me like she has other reasons, and is making up excuses and not telling you the real reason.
I would suggest asking her nicely, letting her know that you care about her and want to know what is really bothering her. It may be that she is just not ready, but too scared to tell you for some reason. Your best way is to see what she has to say and then be supportive of her decision and be happy that she is telling you and not making excuses.
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