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female
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anonymous
writes:Where do I start? Guess at the beginning ... 30+ years ago, I fell in love with a boy that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He was my first love, physically and emotionally. His family moved away and our relationship, due to sheer distance, slowly died away.Life continued. Many men, long term relationships, never marriage and no children. Approx. a year ago, he found me. We were only miles apart. He told me that his wife had abandoned him, sexually, that he had been sleeping in the basement on a futon for the past five years, that all his weekends he spent alone at their weekend home, and that his wife refused to have anything to do with his friends or his family. Over the next several months, we began spending more time together. We had many mutual acquaintences. One thing led to another and a sexual relationship began. Not proud of that. I have been distancing myself from him, dating other men. Now he calls everyday. He says he needs me in his life, his life wouldn't be complete. I told him that if he was unhappy in his marriage, it was something he had to fix. I've made no ultimatums. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I care about this man, I really do, but I don't think I can help him and I fault myself for being so needy when he first contacted me.Thoughts on how to handle this anyone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): Yes life often gets messed up, and as you get older even more so. It is hard to live with rigid right/wrong rules, in fact only strict religions expect this. Reality has a lot of grey zones. Yes, the ideal of happy marriage and lifelong fidelity is great, but reality is totally different. He is not cheating, cheating is when you lie and avoid doing stuff with your partner in preference for someone else. Yes, he's breaking his vows, but if his account is correct then his wife has already done this. Now for some reality, very few marriages have much meaning after so many years, apart from routine and responsibility. Menopause sadly kills many women's sex interest. Your friend obviously has responsibility towards his wife, mother, and maybe children if he has some. This is clearly still his responsibility and its to his credit that he doesn't abandon them. He has an emotional need that his family role doesn't fulfil. You have a friendship need that he fulfils. Either you take a short term view and enjoy each day and just see where it takes you, or you make a clear statement to him on your requirements to maintain a friendship. I think its too immature to say he needs to get divorced so you two can live happily ever after, that will probably just end up with a bigger mess. If you trust that he tells you the truth and you can enjoy his friendship then do that, avoid just being his sexual relief (unless you need the same from him). If you want an exclusive relationship, which is a big step from where you are now, then you need him to clearly separate from his wife, formalise his obligations, and get his emotional baggage under control. Slow things down and let time test if this is something you both want. If you value your own independence but enjoy his company from time to time then do that.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 He doesn't believe in divorce but he is quite happy to make you "the other woman"
Nice distinction he has there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see him as a two faced liar. I have also reconnected with other members of his family and they back up his story. His wife has completely detached herself from his life in every respect. He won't divorce her, he doesn't believe in divorce. She won't get help, he won't go without her. To make matters worse, his Mom's health is fading and he's wrapped up in taking care of her. I did tell him we were wrong for doing this, that no matter what he believes, having sex outside of his marriage is still cheating. He's either got to fix what's wrong or get out 'cause what he's doing with me or any other woman isn't fair either.Yeah, I won't be tumbling into bed with him again, I don't want to be anyone's sexual surrogate. I also can't be his therapist.It's all so messed up ...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 April 2014):
Woah, what a swine of a man!
Stop answering those daily calls. I agree with Cabbage, your first true love turned out to be a two-faced liar and a cheat.
Luckily you are no longer the girl who was taken in by him thirty years ago, now you are a woman, hear you roar! If he needs you in his life he needs to create the space to make that happen, and that means he needs to leave his wife. And guess what!! It DOES NOT mean he moves in from her house, into yours! No Way! Not at all, no, no, no!
He needs to move out and prove that he is a man of his word, he needs to leave you alone for a period of time to show he is capable of taking care of himself, he needs to have some time to reflect on where he may have gone wrong in his previous relationship and what he needs to do to ensure that does not happen again. This is a process that will not, can not, happen overnight! It will take a MINIMUM six months, and even longer if he fails to get all his little ducks in a row.
You need to have one more conversation with him, let him know what's what! And then block his number.
Maybe he is capable of doing the right thing all round here, but somehow I very much doubt it. He is a louse, and a cheat!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (9 April 2014):
Hi,
I'm afraid you are being used. He only seeks your comfort due to cheating. If the marriage was that bad, he would have been long divorced. I'm afraid you have kept that 30 year image of someone and something and are trying to rework it.
If you take a step back though and look at what is happening:
You are with a married man, and having sex with another woman's husband. That is the cold reality.
Personally, I would make a clean break and then move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Ah the classic my wife/partner doesn't understand me and we don't have sex any more.If I had a dime for every time I've either heard this personally or read it somewhere, I'd be a rich woman sunning myself on a private island by now. Don't believe a word of it.. but I see it's too late, you're already sleeping with him.. So your first true love turned out to be a two-faced liar and a cheat. Mmmm.. first opportunity for sex elsewhere he takes it? Not a nice person.Sure he needs you in his life. For sex. If he was that unhappy in his marriage he would be making changes now. I'm not sure that part of his story is correct.Please wake up. He was your first love THIRTY years ago. So what? 30 years LATER he is a jerk and is using you and cheating on his wife, which also makes you a cheat.Drop him like a hot brick.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Well first off, stop beating yourself up. You fell for a fantasy of a "long lost love". The guy you loved and adored is no more. Instead is a man who is cheating on his wife, making all kind of sob-stories to reel you in. And you fell for it.
If his marriage was as horrible as he describes, he ALWAYS had the option to leave, to divorce, to get counseling.. SOMETHING. He chose to cheat. Like that is going to fix anything.
I would cut the contact 100%. He isn't going to leave his wife any time soon. Not for you, not for anyone. As I see it, the only way he will get divorced is if SHE chooses to leave him.
If I had a dime for every story where the WIFE is horrible and the marriage a sham as JUSTIFICATION to cheat, I'd be a rich woman.
There is never a good reason to cheat. I think that is what your gut told you as well.
You can't fix his marriage. You can't fix him.
Set the fantasy of this "lost love" free and walk away from this mess. I see nothing in it for you. Other then wasting more time and more heart ache.
Your call.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Sorry. He's married. You may have something with him if he gets a divorce. But don't ask him to; just say you can't be with him unless he's free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I agree with you that if he is unhappy, he will need to heal emotionally first, then work on his marriage before telling you that he needs you in his life. That is unfair to you.
Another chance with your first love sounds great... but do you love him for who he is now, or the image of who he was 30 years ago? You will need to take some time to figure that out.
I suggest until the two of you figure things out... might be best to stay friends.
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