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writes: Do any of you have any experiences with adoption? My long-term girlfriend and I are seriously considering adoption and we've looked on the Gov website about the adoption process but we couldn't find any details about if you have preferences about the child you want to adopt and some of the other questions I'll list in case you have experience with it or know of sites that will tell us. We don't know anyone who has adopted or tried adopting and we don't want to seem ignorant if [more likely when] we choose to start the adoption process and we'd probably buy some adoption books just prior to starting the process if we do choose that route. This is obviously assuming we get cleared through all of the necessary surveys. Just as a note, I don't want you to think we are expecting to see this "perfect" baby like he or she is on a shelf in the supermarket and demand that child; we strongly believe that it's at least 90 percent about if you're the right parents for the child, not if the child is right for you in the sense of your "ideal" child.Do you choose an age range? What sort of choices do you have when it comes to the child we would like to be matched with? What type of adoptions are there? Can you specify that you can't adopt child with special needs [I'm not saying we wouldn't adopt one if we got the chance in the future, but we don't think our first child would be the right time to deal with everything that comes with it]? Are there adoptions that involve the birth parents [does it say anywhere the maximum involvement they could get before the child is 18]? If the parents want an open[?] adoption, does that only apply to newborns and will birth parents be allowed an open adoption if they are drug addicts or alcoholics, etcetera? Is it negotiable between the agency, birth parents and adoptive parents what the open adoption access would be [like letters, photos, possibly meetings]? Is it right that there's a 10 week period where the child stays with you like a trial before you legally adopt them, or do they sometimes do it for longer? After the child is legally yours and you've signed all of the papers, if you wanted to change the child's first name [not saying we definitely would] do you need to alert or ask the social worker? Does the social worker continue checking up on your child for a certain amount of time after it's legalised? Is there an average time it takes for adoptions to be finalised? What fees are involved in the whole process [in the UK, England specifically]?Our basic preference is a boy between 0 - 3 years old. Race doesn't matter to us at all and we'd really think about an open adoption depending on if it's practical for the child and what that specific open adoption would entail.Thank you ever so much for reading, any help you can give is hugely appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are both 25 and we have both wanted to adopt since we first got together at 17. By special needs, we mean like autism and down syndrome because my girlfriend helps teach children like that, but she said she doesn't feel capable enough yet to raise one. Children with trauma like abuse or neglect, we'd work with a counsellor if that would help them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I don't think there are any adoption fees if you adopt within the UK but you do have to pay court costs. I think it's about £160 (or something) in England. It's different for Scotland.
There are substantial fees if you adopt from outside the UK but the process can be much quicker and they aren't as fussy about certain criteria when it comes to matching. For example, they often allow you to adopt out of birth order, a child of a different ethnicity or two unrelated children at the same time. They also don't mind if families are planning on having their own children as well.
But you would still have to be approved by a UK based adoption agency first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): HiMy step daughter who is single found Uk adoption difficult and time was a factor, she worked in China at the time and decided to look further afield. She arranged to visit an orphanage in Ethiopia and adopted a baby boy, very quickly, we were shocked at how quick the whole process was. I believe finance was involved but not sure about this side. She was single with a young child of her own and had a good career. Her little baby boy turned out to be severely brain damaged because of premature birth She was totally unaware of this fact, until he was brought home to the UK for tests. He looked perfectly healthy but he was not developing as he should have. My step daughter made it very clear that she was making it her mission to give this beautiful little boy the best life and medical help she could. She went back to the same orphanage and adopted a baby sister for him. The whole family is a very happy one and every thing was very smooth and quick for her however If you did both ever decide to look at other options for adoption, such as orphanages, I would advise you to DO LOTS OF RESEARCH, bonding issues, health etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I don't think you can specify gender when adopting although I'm sure you could express a preference. There aren't many babies available for adoption as the whole process of getting the child free to be adopted takes about a year in the UK. Longer if the birth parents are still wanting the child returned to them. Most of the babies have special needs of one sort or another.Have a look on the website "by my parent" which has some brief profiles of children waiting adoption. It gives you an idea of the "typical waiting child".Not sure about name-changing. The child's social worker organises the issue of a new birth certificate once the adoption has been finalised so any name changes would have to go through them.You are very young to be considering adopting. If you are really committed it shouldn't be a problem if you have fertility problems but if you don't I have a feeling that social services would encourage you to wait and have your own family first. They don't let people adopt who are concurrently undergoing fertility treatment in the UK.But do check all this information - it could be old.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): You should go to one of the workshops that are run by local authorities to introduce potential adopters and foster carers to the process. Attending one of these does not commit you to the process. They should be able to answer all your questions properly and tell you how things operate in your local area. Details of these courses are usually published on the webpage of your local council.Adpotions that involve birth parents (for the adoptive parent to interact with) are rare in the UK and most contact will be "letterbox only" meaning that the adult is allowed to write letters to the child (usually twice a year) but it's up to social services and the adoptive parents to decide whether these letters will be given to the child before they're 18. Birth parents may be sent photographs once or twice a year but they don't receive much more information than that. Contact with birth siblings is usually maintained at 2 - 4 times per year and this is normally managed/monitored by social services.Because there's a good welfare system in the UK, no mother has to give up her child because of poverty so most children will have been removed from their parents care due to other reasons - domestic violence, substance misuse, neglect, mental health problems etc. which have never resolved despite help. In these instances it's not helpful for the child to remain in contact with the birth parents and if it is, social services would always seek to place the child with an extended family member or a long-term foster carer instead.Social services in the UK are very strict about their matching process (almost ridiculously so in some respects) and they would be unlikely to match you with a child that you felt you couldn't cope with. So I think it would be perfectly okay to say that you feel you couldn't cope with a child that has "special needs". Unfortunately, many of the children who are up for adoption DO have special needs because they weren't stimulated enough in their early years so it's important for you to decide exactly what special needs you can cope with or not. Many special needs turn out to be not so special once the child is settled with a loving nuturing family. But, rest assured, if you can't manage a child with spina bifida or severe autism, you wouldn't be matched with one.Once you have been approved to adopt, you will be given "adoption magazines" with photographs and profiles of children who are waiting for adoption. You would then approach the adoption agency stating your interest in a particular child and then the agency and social services would discuss whether or not they felt you would be the right family.There is no "trial period" however. Sure, there's a "getting to know you" period (which I believe is usually about a month or so) where the child will learn to transfer his/her affections and trust from their current carer to the new parents. But this is for the child's benefit - not the adoptive parents. You don't get to take the child home for 10 weeks before you decide that you want to adopt them. This process would only be started when you are already committed. Of course, you could always back out but, without a bloody good reason, I think it would be highly unlikely you would be considered for another child.Also read some of Cathy Glass books. Although she is a foster carer she has also adopted and her books do give you an idea of how social services operate. Many of the children she fostered will have gone on to be adopted.Good luck
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