A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I just feel like venting some feelings and hope you can give me some advice.Tonight I was rejected by the man in my life, yet again. Recently, I discovered he was having an emotional affair with another girl for just under a year. Nothing happened between them but a kiss, but it destroyed the trust I had in this man, who I have basically grown up with.Spending lots of time with him, talking about things.. and how the relationship had grown distant between us, I can see the trust can be regained through hard work from both people. He says the experience of losing me for months (after I found out) was the hardest time of his life and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.. and also his best friend. I was distraught losing him, as what we had meant everything to me. He had been going through a very difficult time with his family, so I tried to understand why he made the mistake. When the affair happened, we weren't sleeping together or intimate at all. Sex for me has always been an uncomfortable experience due to a recently diagnosed physical problem I have.. which I am waiting to have an operation for. But this affected our closeness over the years. Now, over the past couple of weeks, I've been trying my best to get this back between us. I'm extremely attracted to him, always have been and I assumed he was to me, but no matter how long we kiss, there's just NOTHING happening in his department. Tonight I lay beside him, kissing him softly. All MY wiring was working fine (if you know what I mean), but when I lay close to him, I realised there was nothing 'hard' in his department. Because I am recovering from having been betrayed and I am feeling vulnerable.. AND insecure about US.. I feel that I need that confirmation that he loves me.. even more than him just saying it. I have this urge to feel that closeness again. Totally normal I'd say.. but he doesn't understand why his lack of 'enthusiasm' has hurt me so much. Tonight I told him that I'm obviously not enough for him and he should just leave me alone. After having been betrayed and then THIS, I feel like the ugliest thing on earth. I know it's not about that.. but that's how I'm feeling. I need to feel wanted, desired and loved right now.. and ever since I found out about the affair.. I've of course has mixed emotions, but have turned myself inside out trying to understand the reasons behind his behaviour. Now I just feel TIRED of understanding! That's more than other women would bother doing. Now I just feel like all the talking.. and the attempts to consider what he was going through is just all a waste. What do you think of the situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Thanks for the advice everyone - especially QueenKatie!I'm feeling much better after reading all this. You've raised some excellent points. I don't think he's worth all this emotional effort and I know that I AM a great person.. never hurt a soul in my life.. so I deserve to go out there and find a man that truely loves me and wants to be with me. My needs aren't being met, especially now. This affair has really messed me up emotionally and he's failed to step up and really offer me anything for me to take him back. I'm going to make myself over as a new independent girl who DOESN'T need a man in her life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): My dear, I think this is probably one of those situations where it's easy for those outside the situation to see what's going on, but very, very hard for the person involved to realize what's happening.You have placed your self-worth in the hands of this man. In fact, the more he has rejected you, the more you have have hurt, and the more you have craved love and affection, and wanted confirmation from him that you are attractive. But you are reaching out to him for things that you should be finding within yourself: your self-esteem, your confidence, your sense of your own attractiveness - all these things should come from you, not from anyone else's feelings about you. Because the moment you rely on other people for those things is the moment that you hand someone else absolute power to make you feel worthless, degraded and ugly.Take his failure to 'perform' sexually. Now, if you were in a place where you felt attractive and confident, you'd be able to see the situation for what it is. Instead of seeing it as his problem and his failure, you've immediately jumped to the conclusion that you are unattractive and unsexy! That simply isn't true. This is his issue, his problem and his failure. It is no reflection on you. If this relationship is to have a future that is functional, I think you need to do two things. The first is to give yourself some time and space to work on your own issues. You clearly have some problems surrounding your self-esteem and confidence: and until you recognize what a wonderful person you are, and realize how much you deserve the love and care of a good man, I'm afraid your insecurities will always come back to haunt the relationship. I sense that you've been spending a lot of time crying and wondering where on earth you went 'wrong' in the affair - but now it's time to get out there and reconnect with the world. You need to feel vibrant, sexy, and alive again. Buy yourself some new clothes, change your hair... make external alterations that signal your unwillingness to dwell in the past. You'll be surprised how much small changes to the exterior can alter the way you feel inside. Take back ownership of your confidence, and your self esteem - and don't ever let anyone get into the position where they can taken them away again!Secondly, your partner needs to ecognize the pain that this betrayal has caused, and you guys need to work through the issues of mistrust and pain that this has caused. I don't know anyone who's managed to do this successfully for the long term without a professional relationship councillor who can suggest strategies for you both to move on and focus on the positive - it's simply too hard and recriminations too bitter for you to be able to do it on your own. Only when you have explored the guilt, the betrayal, the pain and the hurt will you be able to reconnect together. You both need to realize that it will take a long time (possibly years) to restore complete trust between you, and it will require great patience. And given how he's behaved, I'm sure no-one would blame you if you decided that the effort simply wasn't worth it. I wish you the very best of luck. And remember: take care of yourself!!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 When a person has outlived his usefulness, there is nothing more you can gain from staying in that relationship. It is like flogging a dead horse.
Time to begin a new life and adventure.
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