A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my ex and I have been broken up for over 7 months now, back in September, and she started dating her new boyfriend almost a week after ending things with me. She said that she met him when she was with me, however some mutual friends say that she dated him before me and broke up with him to be with me. I didn't know any of this when i got together with her, had i known I would've never pursued a relationship with her in the beginning. We dated for 11 months, and t was a LDR, and she decided to end it, I was literally heartbroken because I loved her very much, and I thought she loved me as well.Over the course of the 7 months it's been a slow and steady healing process and day by day I have been getting a little bit better but still have a long way to go. We have been in NC for almost 5 months now after she deleted me from everything including Facebook and Skype. Then all of a sudden I hear today two big shocking news that literally shook me to my very core and brought me back to the emotional trauma that I felt those 7 months ago. I heard that she bought a new house with her new boyfriend and when everything was finalized with the house her boyfriend proposed to her and she accepted. So apparently my mutual friends have made it official on Facebook and they are getting married. Some of our mutual friends have been really nice to me and was wondering how I was doing, their support has really been beneficial. But all this just basically shows that she's clearly moved on from me and that she doesn't love me at all. I've always cared about her and in a way i still do love her, maybe not as much but I still do.So I just want to know how do I deal with something as traumatic as this? I mean I knew that they would get closer but I didn't think that they would be engaged especially so soon. I'm just so torn right now and would like some help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirlI guess that's a good way of putting it. I guess I can take some comfort that she removed me from most of the social media sites that we used to keep in contact because she knew that continuing being friends with me was not healthy for her and to painful for her. I guess I'll never know how she feels about me, especially since she's engaged now. I know that I'm still grieving over this relationship because I truly believed it would last. When I found out about the engagement I was shocked for a few hours then I cried so hard about what happened. But I guess it's a good lesson to learn from what has happened to me. One valuable lesson is that love is a two way street and if she wasn't willing to fight and to try and make it work with me there was no way it would work if we were to spend a lifetime together. And I need to keep trying to remember that.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 If it helps, how fast someone gets over another isn't equivalent to how much they loved that person. I recovered pretty fast from the second ex of mine, although I had loved him deeply, even deeper than number one. The breakup was, once again, not my decision, so it hurt. I guess that from the first time around I had learned how to cope with the heartache. For example I didn't allow myself to cry abut him much, I cried now and then, but sucked it up. In addition me and this second ex were trying to be friends after the breakup, perhaps another reason why I just sucked up all the negative feelings and focused on other things, and didn't really deal with the emotions. I just brushed them off. However, this was how I chose to deal with it, trying to avoid the excruciating pain I had gone though from the first heartache. It didn't mean I loved him less, or that the pain was not as strong. But I dealt with it in a different way, and didn't want to let it ruin me like my first heartache had. I was offended when a friend of mine commented that by the speed of which I got over him I couldn't have loved him much! That comment of her was not only false, but also hurtful, as I knew very well how much I had loved him. But what good would it do me to mope around for ages over him? I was able to move on faster, so all the better.But that is how she interpreted it, to mean that I hadn't loved him much. And that was wrong. I can't speak for your ex, but if it helps you any you should believe that the love she had for you was probably real, it was real if you felt that it was real back then. Her moving on quickly doesn't mean she didn't love you much. For all you know she still cries over you when she's alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, very interesting Chigirl. When I last visited her back in August 2010 she was definitely very open to me and I clearly didn't see any sign that she was breaking up with me, however three weeks later when I had returned home she ended things with me. The breakup was just a complete shock to me, I never saw it coming one bit. And to add her being engaged so soon has just set me back to almost square one especially in just 7 months. When her and I talked about marriage she always she told me she wasn't ready and believed that it would be a few years before she would try again. But I guess her promises didn't mean that much to me. But the main reason I was shocked is because she has progressed this far and I haven't, which makes me assume that her feelings weren't as strong for me as I thought they were. And that's what's shocking to me as well. I'm sorry if I keep rambling on but posting on here about my feelings and how much this has surprised me does help and having people actually listens helps as well.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 May 2011):
Who's telling you you need to have progressed more than this? Everyone takes their own time, and to not be over your first serious love in only 7 months sounds quite normal. I don't think anyone at all would be completely over their first love after 7 months and ready to face such news. It took me years to fully get over my first love. After 7 months I was still unsure about what I wanted and if I wanted to enter a new relationship or not (I had a suitor whom I held at arms length). I still cried because of my first love even after I had entered a new relationship (the new guy knew about this and comforted me and helped me through it).
It's hard, and the pain doesn't mean you wish that you had them back or anything, it just means that you are still grieving. You had hopes and dreams that were devastated, ruined, and not by your will, but taken away from you. Of course that is hard to deal with. The reason it is easier for her to get over it was that maybe you weren't her first love, so the impact wasn't as strong (your first relationship gets to you pretty hard), and she was the one who broke it off, so she had reasons behind that, and had time to think it through. You on the other hand were blind to what was about to happen, so you didn't get time to come to terms with a break-up.
How you are feeling is normal. It's sad to say, but this is what heartache is about, and we all experience that at least once in our lifetime. But life goes on once you get through the roughest path.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, this is just so hard to bear. Because she promised me many things when we were together and one was that if i loved her and was good to her she would be with me together. And not even a year later she's already engaged to someone else... This time last year we were still very much in love and together laughing at good times and telling each other our innermost secrets. Funny how things can change so drastically in one year. I honestly don't think that there's any way to describe the pain that I'm feeling. I'm short of being absolutely devastated. This is going to many more months and even years to get over. I trusted her with my heart and she literally took it and didn't feel a thing when she broke it. I know that I should be more progressed then this even after 7 months but this was my first real relationship and I wholeheartedly believed that she and I were perfect.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 May 2011):
Ignore it. That's what's best for you, do whats best for YOU now, and don't bother with her. She's happy, great. But her being happy doesn't mean you can't. You will find your happiness as well, and it is not a competition of who got there first.
So until you are ready to face this, and I understand how shocking and upsetting it can be to hear such news, avoid both the news and her. Don't go on facebook for a while, or set your mutual friends updates on hidden for a period of time, so you don't have to read it.
Then do something nice for you, as a treat, and focus on how your own life is and the things that you have in your life that makes you happy. Go through all the motions like you did when you and her first broke up, and you will get one step closer to being over her.
Once you are over her you will see there is a lot of happiness waiting for you too on the other side of all the pain.
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female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Hello,
It wouldn't matter if she got engaged a week after or ten years after, it would still hit you like a thunderbolt. Bottom line is she moved on.
We could all talk about your LDR and if she was with him then etc etc etc. But don't go there.
The present is that you have received a shock. It has brought back all the what if's and maybes and coulds and shoulds. Just ride the shock out and keep doing what you are doing. The shock will begin to diminish because you are much bigger than this. You can overcome this, it's a jolt that has upset you but you will be back trust me. Take some time off of the mutual friends, go no contact for a while and be with non connected friends. Then this will begin to pass. It will trust me. All the best and take care. xx
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