A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dumped my emotionally and verbally abusive BF about 4 months ago. I have absolutely no feelings towards him and am thrilled to get him out of my life.When I date, I tend to be a "woman who loves too much". Each relationship I have had ends in me having to recreate myself because I've invested so much in the guy and made my entire existence about them. It's exhausting and unfair to us both. I refuse to ever do that again. I seem to go for the same type- a guy that isn't really available, but I can try to win him over. If they're very attractive, I tend to take the chemistry as compatibility (and they are NOT the same). I had low self esteem and thought if a good looking guy was into someone like me, it was worth pursuing. So now After counseling and reading lots of books and enjoying my single life (I have a job and my own place and lots of nice friends), I feel I have my Independence and confidence back. So naturally I met someone. I had no intention to. We met at a friend's dinner and hit it off. He's not my usual type. He's nerdy, nice and not jacked up on testosterone. He has interests other than sex and binge drinking. So naturally I want to run. He asked for my number yesterday and already I'm panicked that he's going to be in love with me, what if I don't feel the same way, what if he's super intense and mainly I'm afraid to feel trapped and like I don't have independence. I'm so used to someone texting me 24/7, wanting all of my time and attention and me catering to their needs and neglecting my own and my friends. I am so nervous to do this again and totally freaked out. I'm afraid to seek TOO interested or not interested enough. I don't want to make a mistake and fail again. Please help!!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2016):
 If you don't feel ready to date again yet, it's OK. If you think this guy might be a potential BF, then just GO slow like Auntie Ciar suggests.
YOU can not CONTROL how another person feel, act or think. And it's NOT your responsibility to TRY and avoid him falling for you. So those thoughts you need to nip in the bud. All these negative "what if's" are POINTLESS!
Learn from the past instead of repeating the same mistakes over and over.
If you are liking this guy, go on a few dates and see. He might BE a good match, he might not. Keep it light, go slow and don't OVERTHINK everything. And for goodness sake don't bring up all the rotten ex-bf's and their behavior. That is in the past.
If you don't WANT to go out on dates with him, just let him know that you are not ready to date, that you are still working on yourself and some past experiences. And leave it at that. YOU don't NEED to give him a long explanation. IF you are not ready to date or simply don't WANT to date right now, THAT IS OK! It's your life. YOU do get to pick what you want to do!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 Your fear comes from not knowing how to handle the 'what ifs' so coming up with a flexible plan to deal with them would put those fears to rest.
I suppose an important first question is how do you feel about him? Interested but could take him or leave him? Mostly curious? Moderately attracted?
Whatever you feelings for him are I strongly suggest that if you are going to date him, you meet up in public places that are not intimate and conducive to sex. No going to his place or having him over at yours. Dates should be no more than 3 hours (less if you're only going for out a meal). No bars, not out for drinks (which could impair your judgment).
The idea here is to pace yourselves. Take is slow and avoid the mutual discomfort of having to decline unwanted advances. Get to know HIM and let him get to know YOU outside a bedroom setting.
It should go without saying that you don't share old relationship baggage. No one wants to hear about the ex and you don't need to label yourself 'damaged goods'. Keep things light and positive and let the past stay in the past.
That's for starters.
If your interest in him is purely platonic, you'll have to be direct and to the point. What you think is mean probably isn't and you can desensitize yourself to it by practicing when you're alone. Say the things you want him (or any guy) to know and be direct. You might still be a little nervous saying it to someone you've just met but it won't be such a shock to the system if you rehearsed (many times) it on your own.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2016):
Remember that YOU are in control of the relationships you pursue. If he falls in love with you and you don't feel the same, you can tell him and end it. If he's too intense for you, you can tell him to tone it down or end it. If you feel trapped, you can end it. Just make sure you keep your own place to call home so that if you feel he's starting to force his wishes onto you, you can withdraw to a safe place and end all contact.
Remember, you are running your own life. No-one has a say in what you have to do. The only one who does is you.
So you might as well give the guy your number and see what happens. Because if you don't like it, you end it. That's independence. Enjoy it hun. And if you don't feel comfortable asserting yourself,let your friends know what's going on and ask them to be your back-up so you feel safe.
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