A
female
age
30-35,
*oezola
writes:I've always been a hopeless romantic, but I love the feeling I get when I find someone that I enjoy talking to in an intellectual sense as well as on a more intimate level. Recently, I've met someone that has inspired me in so many ways I cant even name, and I really want to show him that I'm interested in a more personal relationship. However, I want to maintain that mutual respect that we have and I don't want to jeopardize the relationship we already have.I'm hesitant to use the word "teacher," just due to the huge stereotypes involved around such a taboo subject; he still happens to be my Literature Professor. I am, in no way, shape, or form, the stereotypical doe-eyed pupil and he has recognized this. In all honesty, my attraction to him is not connected to our teacher/student relationship at all. I guess I'm really asking for help trying to start a mature romantic relationship with someone that I find intriguing and sensible but in a respectful way. I am not looking for criticism. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): There are other fish in the sea. This advice is so easy to say and so difficult to live by. This guy is NOT the only guy who could ever click with you on these intellectual levels.
And please don't fall victim to the false stereotype that there aren't mature guys your age. There are LOTS of them. But the majority of girls your age don't really want mature guys, no matter what they claim to the contrary.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 This is fantastic however to my knowledge a teacher cannot develop a personal relationship with a student for risky reasons i e cheating grades, favoritism, etc or even unfairness. Id wait til youre not his student and play it safe, then connect with him with a possible intimate relationship.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 "I'm hesitant to use the word "teacher," just due to the huge stereotypes involved around such a taboo subject"
There is no stereotype or taboo involved, it's written in his contract of employment. There can be NO romantic or sexual involvement with any student that is currently at the school you are teaching in. It doesn't matter if the student is 18 and legal, or 15 and underage, it doesn't matter if the student is 40years old and the teacher/professor is 25years old.
There are reasons for this.
1. The teacher/professor is in a position of power and authority, it hard to know whether he is pressuring the student for sex in exchange for better grades.
2. It's impossible to know if the student gets good grades because of hard work or because the student gives them sex or has promised love. In such cases, sometimes the student is thrown out of school, or the work they give in is downgraded automatically.
3. The educational environment brings up intense emotions and pushes people into intimacy, both student-student and professor to other professors and to other students. You study together, learn, laugh, spend time going over things in privacy. This means people often fall in love with professors, or professors with you. It's not real, your only seeing half of the person, the part that reads books and argues intelligently. You don't know anything else about them, how they like their coffee, what they like on TV. Your looking at an image, the image they present, not the real person. Teaching has been compared to acting on the theatre stage. (for the same reason, no romantic relationship can occur between counsellor/doctor and patient) You have no idea if he has a girlfriend, or a wife, or somebody he sees for sex, if he's bi-sexual, or he likes kinky sex. The man is at work, he gets money to teach and to be nice to students. When he's at home he's a completely different person.
4. You have no idea how many women he flirts with, or how many other students he has tried to have sex with. Many students get hurt and feel betrayed, when after they get romantic and sexual, the professor dumps them and starts hitting on another student instead. Often in this case, the professor starts to mark down your grades, or makes life so uncomfortable you can no longer complete your studies.
5. For the professor, the student may leave when the studies are over and leave him broken hearted, as she was "only experimenting and having fun at college". They know that every single year, some of their students will claim to have fallen in "love" with them. Your not the first and you won't be the last.
6. For the professor, he will always worry if he grades you based on talent or because there is love. He will always worry, if he disappoints you in anyway you can call rape (if you have private tuition with him) or you can report him to the authorities for an affair, and then he will lose his job, sacked with no redundancy payment, no references and a bad reputation, he will find it hard to ever teach again. That's a stupid risk to take, when he can get romantic with somebody else outside school with no fear.
That's why there can be no relationship, not because of any "stereotypes or taboo".. He studies to be a teacher, he has studied the ethics behind his job. This is not something that can be discarded, if he wants to continue working. Why should he take the risk? The risk to you is less, you can study elsewhere, but for him teaching is his life, what does he do when his employers find out and sack him and throw him out?
If you want to date your professor. You must either leave that school, and find another one where he is not teaching. (he can do the same, find a new school away from you) Or you can both wait until you have finished studying, then he can date you and there will be no problem. Apart from the age gap, which some people may dislike.
If you flirt, or make romantic gestures to him, you could cost him his job, and the possibility of him ever being able to teach again, anywhere. If you don't care about that, well then it's not really love, you just want what you want, and you don't care about anything else.
PS: We did have one aunt here, who was engaged to a teacher, and she was adult student at another school. Problems came when he got a teaching job at her school. Even though they were engaged and had known each other before, they still had to tell the headmaster/principal. Can't remember how it ended, I think they were encouraged to get married quick, even though he wasn't teaching her and she was at the end of her studies and would soon be leaving.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2011):
 There is nothing you can do until you are not his student. It’s seriously in his BEST interest to have NO social contact with you, till he is no longer teaching at a school where you are a student. With what’s going on at Penn State right now I can’t imagine ANY person in authority wanting to get NEAR a student and risk their life and job….
Therefore you need to switch schools. Is he worth that? AND are you sure he returns the same feelings….. WHAT you feel towards him and what you THINK he feels towards you may NOT be what he feels. I assume he is at least a few years older than you…. That has it’s own issues on so many levels… are you sure he’s not married or otherwise involved with someone?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Are you familiar with the law? No? He will lose his job if he gets more involved with you, regardless of the reasons for your attraction towards him. This is a student-teacher scenario, even if you don't like calling it that. And of course, every student who falls in love with her teachers claims it's "not like that, it's special!".
If you want to pursue anything then wait until you are no longer a student of his, although such a relationship might still jeopardize his work. Do you think about this at all, about how your actions might affect his career? Or do you think only about your own "romantic" ideas? Look at reality before you are swept away, this man is off limits, and if you can't respect that then one of you needs to go, either you to be expelled or he to lose his job.
So, you want this guy? Quit being his student. And preferably leave the teaching institution where he works, as he will continue to be your superior as long as you remain in this institution. That means if you are in college or university, you need to drop out or change schools. Then try to get back in contact with him. And then try to start up a real relationship. If you are not prepared to throw away your education for this man, then accept that he is off limits for the remaining part of your stay at this institution and move on.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Quite simply - unless you want him to lose his job and ruin his career, and possibly go to prison and have a permanent criminal record - then you cannot have a relationship with him, end of story.
He is your professor, therefore in the eyes of the law and his employers, he is in a position of responsiblity and as a professor he has to take care of his students. This means acting in their best interests, and having a relationship with a student would be deemed to be taking advantage of this position of responsiblity and abusing his power that he has as a professor.
I understand that it is not the student/teacher thing that attracts you to him, and while you may have very strong feelings for him, unfortunately whilst he is still your teacher nothing can ever happen between you.
I hope you can understand that I am not criticising you for falling for your professor, it is clear you have a strong connection with him and you cannot help who you fall for. You sound mature for an 18 year old so I hope you can understand that you simply cannot be with him because you are student & teacher, there is no way around that and I'm sure you dont want to jeapordize his career.
Back off and try and stay away from him as much as possible, only see him in class when you have to but stay as much as you can. Dont act on your feelings, remain professional and try your best to move on. If, once you finish school/college you still have these feelings then maybe there will be an opportunity for you to tell him how you feel. But until that day you are going to have to keep quiet I'm afraid.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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