A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago, my ex boyfriend and I broke up. We had been having some problems, it had turned into a pretty unhealthy relationship and it was time to move on. Since then we've had limited contact- occasional texts/calls- but nothing else. That is, until a few days ago when we decided to get dinner to catch up. We ended up having a great time, reminiscing about the past and talking about what we've both been up to since we parted. Soon the conversation turned to how much we missed each other, how much we still thought about each other and wanted each other. Long story short, we ended up having sex that night, and it was amazing. BUT here's the problem... he has a new girlfriend. They got together shortly after we broke up, I know her and she's really lovely, so I feel pretty terrible right now. But the the thing is, I think I want him back... We have a lot of history and in truth, I still love him-- should I fight for him or leave the past in the past??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Do you really want to go back out with someone who you now know is capable of cheating?
A
male
reader, jackguy1000  +, writes (26 May 2011):
well this kind of thng is happening to me, however i am only a teenager so i dont have the experience like other people, i went through this kind of thing and the other guy who she was dating got really depressed etc. the best thing to do is to talk it over with him and see what he thinks you should do, if you both have really strong feelings for each other, you will realise this and you should get back together if you dont, well let him be happy with this new girlfriend but definetly dont continue behind this other girls back as its not fair on her as she doesnt know any of this is happening...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): It can be hard to let go of people even when they are bad for us, so the least contact the better, even cold turkey. How would you like to be the new girlfriend? Being cheated on already.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 He wasn't always 'on the same page' with you when you were together.That is why you broke up. Now he has a new girlfriend, and you admit she is a lovely girl. She does not deserve a cheating boyfriend either.
There may be some lingering sexual attraction, BUT your Leopard has not changed his spots. It is easy to momentarily forget the bad times when the pheremones kick in. And you can bet he will pain you as the sexual aggressor to evade blame, IF she finds out. He is cheating on his current girl friend, that is disrespectful to her.
But what is he offering you? He still has a girl friend.
You mentioned that you had a "pretty unhealthy relationship and it was time to move on." So you do recall how bad it was when you found it was time to move on. Guys can drip charm when they want something. Maybe he does want to break up with his current girlfriend. Maybe he does want to re-start things with you. But what has he learnt in the interim about why things became so unhealthy between the two of you? And if he can so easily charm a girl as he did with you then what is to stop him from trying that same play with one of your girlfriends, when it suits him to have a night out, away from you, if you and he do get together?
If you were to get back together then first I would expect him to explain to his current girl friend that you two, together, had consensual sexual relations. It was not you pushing for it. It was wanted by both parties.
Then I would also want him to examine, with you, exactly where the previous relationship floundered. And the things that both of you need to examine and correct so that it does not happen again.
And a discussion on infidelity. To point out that infidelity is a breach of trust. And that if he or you are unfaithful then the relationship is over. No compromise. Except it will be hard to take such a hard line, considering how easily he was able to cheat on his current girlfriend. And how easily you found it to be a party to infidelity even though you admit that you "know her and she's really lovely." Obviously she is not too lovely for him. Because he was easily able to cheat on her.
And I'd even suggest a break before you resume the relationship, if you do, after the discussions and negotiations above. This is so that you do not rush in full of emotion and then come crashing down when he starts acting up again and you find yourself in the middle of an unhealthy relationship, again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): You can think you are special but this man is a cheat. If you two did get back together, how you know he wouldn't sneak back to his now ex? you wouldn't, he crossed that line and if I was you he be tainted too me and only good for one thing...aka sex
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (26 May 2011):
This is tricky territory. There are a few things to consider. Firstly, you would need to know whether you want to have a relationship with him or not. You say "I think I want him back", which means you have your reservations, as well as feeling like you do want him back.
Your reservations are probably due to the fact that having strong feelings for him has nothing to do with having a successful relationship, and your relationship in the past ended up unhealthy. What were the problems you were having? Is there any reason why things would be any different if you were to have another relationship? You lovd him then as you do now, but the relationship didn't work then, what makes you think things would be different. Most likely, the problems you used to have would simply come round again, unless you have done something to change your behaviour, or if he has done the same.
You would also need to find out if he wanted to try a relationship again with you. This is complicated by the fact that he is currently in a relationship.
Finally, and in some ways most significantly, you would have to deal with the fact that this relationship would start again on the back of an infidelity. This raises alarm bells because it sets the tone for the relationship. I know it happened between two people who have a history, and he may not be the kind of person who would normally do that kind of thing, but if you agree to have a relationship there is an undertone of you both secretly accepting that behaviour, and that can often come back to bite either of you.
My advice would be, don't be guided by your feelings of attraction. Think about what worked in the relationship and what didn't, and if there is a likelihood that things would be different if you were to try again. If there is, and you want to try again, let your ex know how you feel. Let him know the reasons you would like to try again, and any reasons you might be hesitant too. Have an adult conversation with him, and see where you both stand. I would talk about the infidelity too, it affects you both as well as an innocent third party.
Good luck.
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