A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiance a little more than a year now. We were talking one day and our past sex life came up. I was a virgin until I met him. I've always strongy believed in sex after marriage, and I made a big mistake breaking it, but I'm at least glad I lost it to him, because I love him. He on the other hand had slept with like 6 other girls before me. That alone hurt knowing, but I've tried my hardest to not think about it. So he's always told me that he has only slept with girls nothing extra, but last night he confessed to me that he had gotten "head" from one girl. I was soo torn inside because he's always told me he never had that done to him. Why did he lie to me? He doesn't realize how bad he hurt me because I've always told him the truth. He told me "sorry" like 5 times and said that it was in the past, nothing matters to him anymore except me, but how can I believe him after he lied to me for more than a year. I don't believe you can love someone and go on lieing to them for that long. It's soo hard to move on now, I don't know what to do. I have not really talked to him since he told me, and he's really sad, but think of how I feel. Something like that means soo much to him, and leaves a big impact on me. I need some advice, anything will help, because now I feel more lost than ever! thank you for your help...
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male
reader, Swanson +, writes (7 April 2008):
Yep, this is two separate issues - the past sex life being one and the lying being the other.
As far as the past sex life, well, you're probably just going to have to get over that. Trust me, I know that it can hurt, and I'm sure that effect is probably magnified considering the fact that you are a virgin. You just need to realize that if his previous experiences were one-nighters, they were probably meaningless and akward and nothing that you should worry about, and if they were girlfriends, then obviously they didn't measure up or you'd still be with them. Remember, the sex act itself isn't special, it's the emotions that accompany it - and if those emotions were ever there in one of his previous experiences, I'm sure that they're dead and gone now, and the only one who cares about the experiences any more is probably you.
As far as the lying - well, that could potentially be an issue...however, as has been suggested, you should talk to him and see exactly WHY he was lying to you. It is very possible that he wanted your first experiences to feel special and may have realized that had he told you about his prior sexual history that it might have sent you into a spiral of comparison and emotions and made it tougher for you to enjoy - or possibly he just figured that he'd tell you when he thought that you might be able to handle it. Did you ask him of his sexual history when he lied to you?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Perhaps my opinion on this won't be appreciated because I'm a man, but the girls have said it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I have to say i agree with Queen Emmy and Irish. You have to either put it behind you or move on, but believe me there arent many 'perfect' blokes out there.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Loving someone else is moving into a future with them, it's being mutually caring and giving to that person. It's not all about one's own feelings of entitlement You had this 'dream' in your head, that you'd both unite together, both virtuous and being virgins. Although possible, that is unrealistic, in todays world. Quite often, young men experiment in their teen years..more often than females. You almost sound like he is spoiled goods,. Yikes! Sweety, he's a fallible human being, who's alive and he is sexual. Before you, that sexuality came to the forefront and he had sex with other people.
I don't agree that he lied to you but I am thinking he felt, he had no choice. He was between a rock and a hard place. Because he loves you and that telling you the truth would get exactly this reaction out of you. Just knowing he had sex with 6 girls is already eroding you and causing you to doubt him. What about the here and now..how he loves you, now? respects you,now? And what happens down the road, when you both have the typical challenges most long term relationships endure. Like arguements? Please don't use his sexual past as a bludgeon to hurt him. Will this be used as ammunition for future fights? Indulging in talks about a sexual pasts, 'some' couples do find themselves in a never-ending loop of bad behavior and recriminations. He decided to come clean and take the risk by telling you, finally. You will have to get a grip on these feelings, today. Either you get over it or you drop him and go find yourself, the perfect, virtuous man. That may be difficult...because honestly, no human is perfect, and that man does not exist. Let this go and have an amazing future with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): He probably kept this back until he really knew you better. But i can understand how you feel. You need to sit him down and ask him if there is anything else he needs to tell you about. Tell him that you would rather know now than later. You deserve to be told. some people prefer not to know. I just dont want to know what my bloke has done in the past. It really would cut me to ribbons. so be careful what you ask for, you may not like what you are told.
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