A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I wonder if anyone can help - five weeks ago my fiance and partner of three years, who I lived with along with his little girl, told me that he was unsure of his feelings for me and we should have a break.I was devastated - we only got engaged at New Year and he seemed excited, insisting on setting a date. Then I lost my job in February and it was like he changed overnight almost angry at me.Then in April he went on a charity trip which I wasn't happy about as I knew there were single girls there and I have caught him messaging girls in the past - plus he wouldn't have stood for me going anywhere with single guys.After that trip he became totally distant, almost shunning me. Anyway at the time he said he wanted this break, I found Facebook messages between he and a girl he had met on this charity trip, clearly discussing our relationship - I only saw a few of the messages as he grabbed his phone off me but I saw enough to see she'd asked him to call her, he'd sent her cards and she'd told him she didn't understand, either his relationship with me was finished or it wasn't.The girl in question said there was nothing in it - but since then there are comments all over Facebook between him and this girl that are clearly flirty yet he is still engaged to me officially.Anyway during this break, we have still be chatting via text almost every day - and we spent the night together which obviously proves there is still attraction between us.One minute on the texts he's trying to call it off between us, the next he's discussing how we can fix things between us, the next it's just general chat again and then at the weekends when he has his daughter I get hardly any contact.Every time we discuss whether we can fix things, I say we need to meet up and spend some time together to see if we can sort things and if it is still there between us, I get no response and then he switches to normal chat again.I am close to the end of my patience now - I do love him and am terrified of starting again at my age, I'm 36 and back at my Mom's and it was his house I moved into so I have no furniture nothing but how can we sort anything if we're apart?Plus why is he still talking to this girl in front of my face? He swears it's nothing to do with her but I just think if I was that important to him, he'd cut her off and agree with my suggestion to spend some time together.He also seems to have an unrealistic view of relationships - he thinks that they should stay the way as they are in the beginning where you have all the rush of passion and the talking all night and you shouldn't have to make an effort but I disagree - I think the conversations aren't as plentiful as they were at the start because you switch to just being content to just be with each other and work takes over etc. so you save the chat for the fun times, plus you do have to make an effort still - every one I speak to who is successful in relationships says the same! You have to work at it - does everyone agree?Plus it's hard to talk to someone whose head is continually in his phone! He says I mis sold myself on Facebook as a party girl but I was single then and he never liked me going out drinking! Plus he said I moaned at him when he got drunk and didn't get out of the bed the next day but all I wanted was for him to get up and spend some time with his daughter who I ended up looking after most of the time because he was too hungover!The thing is this girl he said he turned to for relationship advice as she'd just gone through a break up has been married, had a child and divorced in the space of four years so what does she know? She's filling his head with stuff about embracing change but clearly there is still something between he and I if neither of us can actually say we want it to finish and are still discussing possibly working it out!Has anyone else had this sort of situation? I am totally confused by what he wants!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Hi
This is over, its run its course and the woman he met on the charity do is wanting him for herself. Let her have him.
Yes your 30+ and back at home, but so what, at least you HAD somewhere to go. Don't compare yourself to others just think of it as a fresh start. If your still out of work then focus on finding a job or 2 part time ones. Maybe relocate as you have no ties.
Do not let him keep you on a back burner stringing you along. Do not let him put you down. Be firm and have no more communication and definitely no more sex. Think of him as history, you tried and it has not worked. Its sad but better now than 5 years down the line when you may have had a child to consider too.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (22 June 2013):
 I think you know in your heart that you have to leave. Do you really want to marry someone who is so uncertain and who is just walking all over you, keeping you hanging? This isn't normal behaviour, either. Most guys who are getting married do not act this way. Even if he does marry you, it will just be a piece of paper and totally worthless if he thinks it's ok to mess around with other women while you're engaged. The guy is a total liability as far as relationships are concerned.
I also absolutely agree with what other posters have already said. It's not the other woman making him do anything or leading him astray. Don't make the mistake of blaming this on her just because you want it not to be his fault so that you can justify staying with him. The fact that you've slept together means nothing. You're in love with him, he had am opportunity for sex, that's all. He has shown you clearly that he doesn't want to marry you. He is now stringing you along, knowing how you feel about him. Would you really want to marry someone so cruel?
It will be awful for you but ultimately better when you leave him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Tell him to take a flying leap and threaten him with a breach of promise action.
Then walk away with you head high, AFTER blocking him on social networks etc.
Enter into no further discussions with him unless he come's knocking on your door. Do not sleep with him again unless the other woman is out of the picture and a wedding date set.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 Here's the key phrase in your submittal:
"....and we spent the night together which obviously proves there is still attraction between us...."
Spending the night together proves, only, that you are agreeing to be intimate with this guy, and he is agreeing to enjoy your pleasures....
Taken with all the rest of your submittal, I can see a "non-relationship".... i.e. One wherein YOU are "having a relationship"... and HE is getting you to bed periodically.....
Break things off with him and go on your separate ways. It's the best you can do....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): well hun i can understand your frustration and as hard as it may seem...your going the to have to ask him does he or doesnt he want to be with you and marry you? if yes tell him he needs to meet you half way part of a relationship and marriage is communication and compromise. he can't have his cake and ice cream too can he? either he wants you or not i would flat out ask he can't keep strining you along it's not fair to either one or the little girl whom I'm sure is wondering whats going on considering you've been with him for 3 years
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): You are 36- so the clock is ticking, but listen, this guy is obviously stringing you along while feeling out where things are heading with the other women. You've become way too dependent on him - his house, his furniture, accommodating his needs/ways.
I think you settled for this guy when you should have walked away.
Get your career in order, freeze your eggs, get a new apartment/furniture and start your life fresh without him.
He's using a 'break' to date other women while leaving on the back burner. You need to be smart here, get your feelings in check and do the smart thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): Loving him doesn't erase his messages to other women, rejection, disrespect; and the fact that he asked you for a break. Proper translation: breakup.You are in a state of denial, and you think the fact you love him overrides his decision to break it off. If someone doesn't love you, why would you want to remain in a relationship with them? Not that you have any choice.You claim someone is filling his head with stuff? If he truly loved you, who could possibly change his mind?He did what you're doing now. He sought advice to make a decision. He found a support system, and he executed his decision.Accept the reality, and let him go. If you would go back and read your post and review the progression of events; that should help you to make a solid decision.It is a painful choice to make, but you have no alternative.You will have to take care of yourself; because breaking up is a devastating experience. You now have to focus on getting over this tragic situation. Please read everything you can on surviving a breakup,handling rejection, and reclaiming your identity. You must also discontinue any contact. THAT MEANS ALL CONTACT.No Facebooking, no texting, no IM's, no e-mails, calls; or drunk texting. NO COMMUNICATION OF ANY KIND.He will eventually ignore you anyway.That is what I had to do. It's a hard thing to do, but yourrecovery starts from the point of accepting the situation as it is.There is going to be a period when you must fight to maintain your self-esteem. You'll have to re-build your confidence, and make sure you don't let grief turn into depression. That is going to take all your strength. It is a fight for survival. You will be impressed with your own strength and resourcefulness. That is what we learn from these heartbreaking events. We become a stronger person.There are weaklings who handover all their power to some guy or girl who decides they don't want them anymore. That's because they made them the center of their universe.These weaklings put their hearts and souls in the hands of another person; and decided others have the last word to their fate. They gave another perspm the right to take away love.The thing is, you lost them; not love. It returns when you find the right person to give it to you.Don't you dare give up and let him win.Reach out to your agony aunts as you undergo your pain and separation anxiety. Talk to your mother, and reach out to your friends. Show him what he gave up; by moving on.Allow yourself to process the truth, and allow the emotions to flow. But don't give in to them to the point you destroy yourself. Don't give him that much of you.Take back the power he stole from you. Rendering you to a whimpering weak and pitiful female. Reclaim your dignity.You have to prepare yourself for the grief and emotional transition from a couple to being a single woman again. It's very hard. So the sooner you let go, the sooner you start that journey back to being yourself.There are no words that will comfort your pain as you go through this. You have to go to family and friends to draw your strength from those you who have unconditional love for you.They are your lifeline. Weep, pray, scream, grieve, if your have to; but fight your way back.We will be here when you need us. Those people remaining in your life who love you, will be sure you survive your loss and pain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2013):
 It seems like you relationship is over. He is using the fact that YOU haven't walked away yet, to make you out to be the problem.
Time to pack your stuff and leave. He isn't interested in marrying you and is trying his best to alienate you, so that YOU will be the one walking away and thus YOU will be the "bad guy".
The other chick isn't "filling" his head with silly notions of making HIM betray and disrespect you. HE is doing that ALL on his own and by CHOICE, his choice.
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