A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I´m married for 10 years now and since 2 years ago my mother got really sick and I started to go to my country for some time.Last year I went for 3 months and when I went back to USA my husband was diferente,much loosed.Later on some of his friends started asking me that he was diferente and one of them told me that I wasnt living in USA anymore. I went back to see my mother and found out many Facebook messages of women on my husbands account.Also started to remember that when I was depressed at home with my mothers problem he was having lunch with a female friend of his,and talking on Skype with other female friends,He seems so distant.Also he never introduces me to anyone in parties and last time he was so into a teenager girl that is girl friend of his boss´s son. So,he was really diferente.When I wrote some stuff on his FB page saying I missed him ,he asked me to not do that,but his female friends would send messages and he would say to them that he loves them,specially one. When my mother died I got very deprressed. Later,one month later on mother´s day his mother got sick and he wrote beautiful things about that and later he wrote about my Moms death.I got so upset cos I felt he didnt care about my mother,but after his mothers sickness he felt something about my mom.I screamed at hin on the phone and said that we could divorce and I didnt want the house and anything,and I was so sad that he didnd love me.He sent a friend to talk with me and ask if i had na affair what.I told her that I wanted to be happy and he wasnt making me happy anymore and he also wanted me at home without a job.He called me after that and with all the ``I love you ``thing and he wants to be with me.....I really want out now but he doesnt stop calling!!! In 2 weeks I have to go back home and I have to tell him that.My sister is sick now and I told him Im gonna help her and come back to my country.He said he understands and think i should do it.I think he is making me mad with all the ``whinie and I love you thing`` while he wants me to make the move,I´d like to know your oppinion.Thanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (22 June 2013):
Hi there. It is possible that when your mother became very ill near the end of her life, that you were spending a lot of time with her and so he felt excluded.
Like, perhaps in your natural concern and worry about your mother's failing health, your husband felt like he was being shut out altogether.
And especially, as it was probably taking up a lot of your free time.
And that meant, that there was less time for just you and him to be together as a couple.
And this is possible, and it does happen sometimes in life.
And especially in these types of situations, where a close family member becomes gravely ill.
It isn't intentional, but it is just that priorities seem to change in situations like this.
Perhaps in hindsight it might have been better to have shared what you were feeling with your husband, rather than shutting him out.
And I think that this could be how he is feeling about everything.
He might be feeling as if he doesn't really matter to you very much.
And it didn't help the sitation much, that you had to leave the country to go and be with your mother for 3 months at a time.
That must have been very lonely for your husband, while you were away.
And so I believe, that this is what is behind his feelings now.
The only thing you can really do now, is to sit down together and talk about it.
And just get it all out in the open, about how you feel and about how he feels, and about what you both want regards your marriage, from this point forward.
And as you have also said here, your sister is now very sick, and so you are needing to go and spend some time with her.
And so this means leaving the country once more, for perhaps several weeks at one time.
And so he is going to be alone yet again.
Another good thing for you to keep in mind regarding illness in the family, is to talk to him about it, and say you feel you ought to be with your sister, just in case her illness becomes terminal.
So what I am really saying here, is that you are talking to him - which gives him some choices - rather than to just say - "My sister is sick and I am GOING to go and see her." - which gives him no choice, and is therefore completely excluding him.
And it is also shutting him out, and it will also tell him that it isn't open for discussion.
And so it is like he doesn't matter to you at all, about what he thinks about it.
In a marriage, both parties should be equal.
50/50 all the way, because not only are you husband and wife, you are also good friends.
And you need to support each other emotionally.
I'm sure you are not intending to exclude him, however it probably feels that way to him.
If you would like to keep your marriage, and it seems that you most likely do, well then just have a heart to heart chat with him about everything, and there will be the chance for both of you to air all your grievances, once and for all.
In fact, I believe it's the ONLY way to resolve what is going on.
And just be kind and respectful when you have this chat with him, and you will probably be very surprised at how well things pan out.
It seems that when he goes onto Facebook, he is reaching out for some company.
He feels that he isn't getting the companionship from you - because of your family's illnesses - and so in desperation, he is reaching out to others instead.
You know, when you think about it like that, it does kind of makes sense, don't you think?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): First I am sorry for the loss of your mother and the horrible situation you had to return to. Please don't be foolish, you have legal rights to divide your assets. You are emotional now and you don't give up your community property. It's yours and you may need the money to go home and support yourself.
You are not thinking clearly and you are reacting out of shock and anger. Once you forfeit your rights, don't come crawling back thinking you can reverse your decision. It doesn't work like that.
Yes, you should divorce him because he doesn't want you anymore. You take what's yours to support yourself and your kids if you have any.
Unless you are financially secure, don't be stupid.
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