A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure how to feel about this and i wondered if anyone could give me some advice.My partner had a crush on the same work colleague two times in our relationship, a couple of years apart (that i know of and he admitted to). They've never had a 'thing' at all and it's been totally one sided from my partner. The last time he was really stressed out because he felt like their 'friendship' was over because she got a new boyfriend. He got really depressed about it all and so i asked him if he had feelings for her again, which he said he thought he did, but he wanted to stay with me and he really loves me. It's good of him to actually admit these things to me and because of it, I've been able to disregard it. I was actually good friends with the girl as well. I figured people probably do get crushes on other people as long as it's under control and he lets it go.Further into it she ended up causing a lot of heart ache for myself and for him. He took it all very badly and i told him i'd prefer if he didn't talk to her after the fall out, because it keeps impacting his emotions too much and putting a lot of strain on our relationship if he is just going to keep pinning after her. I didn't think it was a big ask considering she'd hurt us both quite badly. I didn't see a friendship recovering from it. It's about 6 months later and I got a message from this person being friendly. I thought it was really strange, but i supposed she wanted to be friends again. I said to my partner and he just shrugged it off and didn't say anything. The next day he asked me to get his phone and i saw she had been messaging him a lot. He'd been talking to her for the past 6 months (and obviously well before it) with paragraphs of messages. She would ask how 'we' were, but he'd only reply what 'he's' been doing.If i message him at all, he usually ignores me or i get a one word response, even if i'm away for the weekend. He'd say messaging wasn't his thing, but he can talk a lot to her and find the time. He has no friends at all. He apparently 'doesn't like people' and doesn't like to socialise. So she is his only friend. Therefore i get that he would want to talk to her and keep that up. At the same time, i don't like that he keeps 'falling' for her. I feel like if he wants friends, can't he get someone else that doesn't bring trouble to our relationship?Also, she was my friend too. So if it wasn't a big deal to talk to her, he could have just said to me, the same way i said to him, that she'd been in contact. I tried to say to him about how she'd been talking to me, but he just gave nothing away and just shrugged it off. His messages are friendly, but i don't like the fact he is now lying about it. He's admitted to me before about fancying her several times, so i feel like his feelings are more serious if he's hiding it.All at the same time, we've been together for 10 years and he is asking me to marry him and have a kid right now. So i'm really confused about the signals. I assume he wants to be with me and is continuing to choose me, but i feel a bit like second best all the time. If she was single and giving him the green light, then i'd probably not be in the picture.Is it fine for him to be messaging her, given his personal history? I'm confused about what to feel about it all. I can understand he wants a friend in her, but then not in other people?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): Pardon my typos!
[EDIT]:
"Well, how much evidence do you need?"
"He talks in paragraphs to her; while you barely get full sentences when you message him."
"How long do you think you can keep a wedge between them?"
"They may not have touched each-other yet; but your post implies that you see things getting too intense, and you don't seem to know what to do."
"He's not stupid, he knows well enough to keep you both concentrating and focused on each-other; while he steps-back and watches from from the neutral-zone."
I apologize for so many mistakes! I had six long and brutal ZOOM meetings before typing this! My brain is a little fried.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): Let me be blunt and straight to the point. The guy is so full of bull feces he has brown-eyes, and his breath must smell like a cesspool! He's playing two women at once; and you're competing for him. He tells you he loves you, and wants to marry you. Here you are in your 30's, the same guy; and that has yet to happen.
Oh, he'll get you knocked-up alright! You'll also raise that kid alone! He has no intention of marrying you, or you'd already be married! What's the holdup???
You are fully-aware that this guy has it for this mutual female-friend; but you're afraid to let him go, because you think he'll hightail-it right to her. You're more likely right about that, than you could be wrong!
Your feminine-pride and ego probably couldn't stand letting her win; so you're clinging onto a two-timing piece of dirt; because you couldn't live with yourself knowing they were together. Thus, he keeps in-touch, she's doing periodic-checks on the status of your relationship; and waiting for you two to finally part.
That farce about marriage and kids is to keep you hanging-on like a dope; while he plays the two-for-one gambit. You two fight-over him, he plays dumb in the middle; meanwhile, he's probably sleeping with both of you. Nobody wins, but him! He's getting all the attention, and he benefits from having two women at once.
You're being played, and the sad part of it is...I think you know you are!
You just don't want to let him go. Afraid she'll get her claws sunk into him; because it will make you feel like she was his favorite. That would crush your self-esteem, and it would piss you off knowing they're together. Well, how much evidence to you need? Don't call her a friend. She is not your friend. To him, she is more than a friend.
This love-triangle thing is so cliche; and you're so much smarter than you want to let-on. You are deliberately playing naive to his game; because you're in-denial, and won't admit this dude is two-timing the both of you.
You're voluntarily playing second-fiddle! He can envision you as "wifey-material." Barefoot and pregnant; while sitting at home wringing your hands, and waiting for him. She's the one he's head over heels for. She's the one that he gets hot and bothered about. He knows you will give him major drama, if you broke-up; because you already have an idea of whom your replacement is likely to be! Could this be anymore like a midday soap-opera or what, girlfriend?
Girlfriend, you are better than this! You deserve better than this. No man is worth competing and fighting over. He is repeatedly caught interacting with her; and you keep trying to play it off. What's-up with that?
How blatantly obvious does it have to be to see he's got it for her? He talks in paragraphs to her; while you get barely get full sentences when you message him. You are allowing this to drag you beneath your pride and dignity; playing tug-of-war over a man with a phony-friend. Who is after your guy behind your back! Basically asking when he will grow the balls to dump you! He gets a pass, and you play dumb as to what's going on here. You allude to it in your post, but at the same time you want to pretend he isn't cheating.
He won't let-go of her, because the sexual-tension created by two competing-females is just too gratifying for the man in the middle! It's sending his ego through the roof to have two females fighting over him. He can alternate between two vaginas, when he gets tired of one. You say they aren't a thing? Then what do you call two people pursuing each-other over the span of two years? They drop-it for a minute; but pickup where they left-off, going as hot and saucy as ever. How long do you thing your can keep a wedge between them? They may not have touched each-other yet; but post implies you see things getting too intense and you don't seem to know what to do. You know dumping him is the consensus; but you've invested too much to give-up, and it would be way too embarrassing! I know, we all have our pride to think about.
She is not a friend. She is keeping tabs on him through you. Does he ever casually come-up in conversation between you and Miss Thing? Do you voluntarily divulge tidbits about events happening relationship-wise? She's probably clever enough to ask you personal-questions disguised as concern for you; but oddly regarding his whereabouts, and/or what you two do together.
You probably tell her when you're fighting, your dating plans; or every-time you have a row. That keeps her informed as to what he's up-to. Let me guess, she's understanding, always consoling, and on your side? The way to get information out of you is to pretend to be your friend. That way she can tell if he's lying to her; and when you're feeling insecure. Then she can turn-up the heat! He's not stupid, he knows well enough to keep you both concentrating and focused on each other; while he steps-back and watch from from the neutral-zone. She's not openly competing with you, or being obvious about her co-participation in the betrayal of your trust. She's clever and scheming.
You better wise-up and see things for what they are, kiddo! Your man is cheating on you right-up under your nose. It may not have gotten as far as being physical; but you know as well as we do, that's only a matter of time.
His ass should be kicked to the curb. If they end-up together, she will never really trust him. If you're foolish, you'll try and win him back after letting him go. He'll just start the triangle all over again! I've seen this predictable drama so many times, the reruns put me to sleep.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 April 2020):
 Hi Op,
"Also, she was my friend too."
I am sure you have friends that are in relationships yes? Do you go around causing problems for them? So what kind of friend do you have crushing on your man? What exactly is your idea of a friend?
You want to let this slide as you say...However, this is your warning, flashing lights, sirens going off, bells ringing, don't do it sign.
If he is doing this before you get married...Do you look at it and say "Yep, this is the kind of husband I want." I am a man, and if my soon to be wife did the same thing, I would be gone so fast, Husain Bolt could not catch me.
When you get CLEAR pre warnings like this, you listen to them. This is not even a gut feeling, this is happen right before your eyes. If you think it's hard to walk away now...Marry him, have him cheat on you, and then see how easy it is to walk away.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (22 April 2020):
 Never allow a partner to treat you as "next best choice". Love and respect yourself enough to want MORE. You should be #1 with your partner, not "Well I can't have what I want so I'll take you.." Walk away
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Sounds like you are his "second choice" he is sticking with you because YOU are there and into him, but IF she was HALF as interested in him as HE is in her, he would drop you like a rock.
Sorry, but that is how I see it. For him to get "depressed" about her dating someone, should be a HUGE frigging NEON sign for you to move on.
Who wants to be "second best" in their partner's eyes?
SHE didn't CAUSE him heart ache, HE didn't because he is so deep into his denial and imagination that he CAN'T just BE her friend. He has ulterior motives HE WANTS her. She just wants to be friends. If EITHER of them were smart they would cut all contact. But he WANTS her in his life JUST in case she realized that she wants HIM too.
Sorry, I get that people in relationship has crushes, it happens. But what CAN cause issues is what that person DOES with that crush, your FIANCE is obsessed with her. In his head (I wager) he has a whole romance with her going on, but since she doesn't WANT him, you are the stand-in for her.
There is no F'ing (pardon the language here) I would settle for being the booby-prize, the second choice or the standard for another woman. Nope.
He is asking to marry because he thinks if he marries you, YOU will undoubtedly stay. And he can continue his imaginary affair with his coworker. How twisted is that?!
I get that you have invested 10 years in this relationship but seriously? Do you WANT to be the 3rd wheel in your relationship and marriage?
For me, personally, this is totally unacceptable. 100% not Ok.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 April 2020):
 I think this is a very tricky situation, i'm going to be quite blunt here and say that in a true relationship no one should ever feel like they are second best. No one should feel inferior about someone else.
Your partner blatantly harbours feelings for this other woman, texting her constantly, and i don't think that anyone should have to put up with this behaviour.
I agree with you when you say if she gave him the green light he would more than likely leave you for her.
I certainly would not be contemplating marriage, once you are married and things go pear shaped with this other woman things will get very messy and harder to walk away.
As i said earlier no one should be treated like this, you deserve so much better. I would leave him while you still can, the longer you leave it the harder it will be. I think you need to be with someone who gives you the respect and love that you so rightly derserve.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): I wouldn't be ok with this at all. And just because he's been honest doesn't give him a free pass to openly have feelings about another woman. From his side at least, this is an emotional affair that he's having and I cant imagine how hurt you must feel, watching his time, attention and emotions going to another woman.
You said that you feel that if she was single and gave him a green light, that he would go to her. So do I, from what you've written. So, how do you intend giving this man your heart, your body and a family together, if you feel that he really wants to be somewhere else?
It sounds like a whole load of pain, for not a lot of gain.
I would definitely advise that you move on.
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