A
female
age
22-25,
*ose214
writes:I met this guy on tinder. The first date went great!! Like sparks flying. The second date was great until alcohol got involved. I basically was embarrassed and vulnerable about something when I shouldn't have been. I am not usually like that but I guess I felt comfortable around him and was trying too hard to make sure the date went well. I think I kind of scared him away. The next morning I stayed to apologize and he forgave me and even talked about future things to do together. I left thinking this might still work. Fast forward to later that night, complete 180 from before....he leaves me on read and when I text him later in the week about making it up to him, he says "thanks but no thanks rn. I am cool on the situation for the moment" and I told him that is totally understandable and that if he would like I would really like to show him I'm not usually like that and he said, "yeah maybe sometime in the future". I decided I am going to take the next two months to work on myself and my insecurities. Is it smart to message him in a few months about a fresh start? Another shot at getting to know each other? I understand the whole "he will text you if he wants to"...but this was on the 2nd date, not months into a relationship. I am one not to live with regrets and I feel like if I don't message him eventually about another shot I will regret it b/c I felt a spark with this guy and I think he did too until it was clouded by my mess up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2020): You need to tell us what you did to scare him away.
That way we can advise you on how serious it was and how you can better approach things next time (with a new man).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2020): You're very young, so his validation and proving something to him might seem very important. They say "first-impressions are lasting impressions!" Well, in the world of adulthood/commonsense; sometimes begging for second-chances is futile, and/or totally unnecessary. In this case, I would say it's totally unnecessary. We all get nerves on a first-date.
You met on Tinder; so I will bite my tongue... and that's a rarity!
You are talking about a guy's behavior "the next day!" Apparently you spent the night together... and let me further speculate that you had sex with this guy!!! On the first date? Seriously, girlfriend?!!
If you were the model of perfection and the epitome of human-greatness; if all the guy wanted to do was hit-it and run, he's got the most perfect excuse. You got drunk and you misbehaved. Your bad! Then you went and fell on his majesty's mercy, and groveled in shame. Giving him the right to judge you. Of course, he judged you! From the fact you slept with him the first-date! Are you sure you got yourself drunk, or was he only too happy to keep those drinks flowing? You probably couldn't remember for sure! Assuming you had sex, I truly hope you used condoms. Even if you did, please get tested just in-case. When you are drunk, you do not know if he may have removed it, or if it broke. Not trying to scare you; or make it worse. You have to be serious about things like this. If you're certain you didn't have sex, please forgive my presumption; and forget I ever mentioned it!
Now back to this mess about a second-date, to prove you're not like that. Let's be real, but you were like that!
No girlfriend, you owe him nothing! You were probably a one-night-stand from the get-go!
Being drunk on a date is not to be dismissed on it's own merit, and any guy would not be impressed to see you can't handle your liquor. Yet you would drink too much; and then make an excuse for it, which only makes it worse. It's all water under the bridge now!
You are most correct to be somewhat disappointed in yourself for drinking too much; and being out with a guy you really don't know that well. You made yourself vulnerable; and you were not fully in-charge of your faculties, or your judgement. You could have blacked-out; and would have been unaware of what happened to you, or who did things to you! That's what you should be concerned about; not whether you get a chance to make a better impression in order to regain the king's favor! Still biting my tongue here, and trying not to draw blood. Tinder?!! Seriously?!!
Get a grip, and snap-out of it, girlfriend!
If you behaved badly, after you consumed too much alcohol; because you've got issues. Then you need counseling for said-issues, but for you! Not some judgy-knucklehead you met on...[*sigh!*]...Tinder!
Oh, for gosh sake!!!
Now shake it off! Regain your composure, and forgive yourself. Never speak to, or attempt to contact, this guy again! He got snarky with you to belittle you when you suggested trying to fix things. He will only raise the bar, make you feel beneath him, and take advantage of your self-shaming. Mainly because, now he knows you think you have something to prove to him. Something to prove? To some guy you met on...[gasp]...Tinder?!! Girlfriend, he is not worth all that!!! If you're too naive, or so desperate to prove something to this dude; then I hope I can help someone else in a similar situation, if I can't help you. I took the time to write all this just for you. I understand. It's a learning-experience.
If his mug shows up on-screen again, swipe-left! Fix yourself, for your own sake! Not his! If you want to prove something to anybody; prove it to yourself that you can deal with your issues without self-medicating with alcohol, and making a fool of yourself! Do not flake-out and become unraveled over the lack of validation and/or rejection from men; no matter where, or how you meet them. Your dignity and pride is first-owed to yourself; and making a good-impression is a side-effect that comes from self-respect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Eh, OP Let him go. Yes, you probably "scared" him off somehow (maybe by seeming to want more than he does or having "jumped ahead" of yourself thinking THIS IS IT!! You might have come off as desperate and well, that is rarely attractive.
Not sure what you did, but yes, I think your behavior was a bit much, and then with the apologizing ? Which was probably profusely? He might feel it's all kind of cringe, OP.
And he has TRIED to let you down easy. So TAKE the HUGE hint and leave him be.
Yes, IF he wants to continue to get to know you he will NOT leave you on read and not reply.
He is HOPING you got the hint.
The thing is he might have been looking for something WAY more casual and when you did "whatever" he realized YOU seemed to want more, and he then distanced himself real fast.
LEARN from this. He isn't the only guy out that.
And someone who judges you that quickly might not be for you.
Also, STOP drinking if you act like an "ding-dong" when drunk.
Next time you go on a date RELAX. LET him get to know you, and don't PRESUME that it HAS to lead to something more. TAKE your time getting to know someone IN person. Try not to let your imagination or your expectations derail reality.
Take some time to work on you. Your social skill, maybe your conversational skill and LEARN to chill.
Better luck with the next one.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Hello OP, you don't elaborate on what you actually did to scare him away.
My advice would be to put this one down to experience and move on. He has already made it clear that he is not interested in taking anything further. It was only two dates, not really enough time to tell if someone is right for you, and certainly enough time to forget about all this and move on with your life.
The idea of messaging him in a few months for a fresh start would be a bad idea. Taking the next two months to work on yourself and your insecurities is a very good idea, take longer than two months if need be. Get yourself into that better feeling place, then this is the time to start dating again.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): HiI do believe that if you text him again, that you will only confirm whatever it was that drove him away in the first place. You are wanting to show that you are normally...what? Cool, secure, not too emotional? I don't know because you haven't elaborated, but if that is what you want to show him, then keeping on getting in touch, when he's told you he's not interested is going to show him the opposite.He does sound nice, I can understand why you're a bit gutted. He's been very nice in his replies to you, but he has said that he's not interested. For whatever reason. You really should respect that.Internet dating makes everything so easy these days in that there is always someone else to try. If you get in touch saying that you have worked on yourself, I don't think he's going to want to try again. As I've said before, he has let you down very nicely. Any more attempts from you to get in touch, are not only unfair on him, but will just cement this perception he has of you. Whatever that is.There was a post a couple of days ago on this site from a man who wont leave this woman alone, because he likes her. She doesn't feel the same way about him. He got quite a battering from everyone here and rightly so. Don't put yourself in the same category.And, if alcohol was responsible for your actions on the date, then for pities' sake, please leave alcohol out of the equation in future. It leads to nothing good and it is not impressive to be sat next to a drunk person, behaving in a way that they will be unhappy with the next day. Be a grown, adult woman who conducts herself with dignity and remains sober. At all times. Good luck
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