A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel silly and embarrassed for bringing this up, but it's been bothering me all day. My fiancé and I have been together for over 3 years and we are getting married in 6 months. For the most part, we have a good relationship, but an insecurity that I have always had is that my fiancé is a naturally flirtatious person and he has many female friends that he's had previous sexual relations with. I'm very conservative and introverted by nature, so it definitely took me some time and self-reassurance to become more accepting. He's never cheated on me, but we have had conversations about his actions and how to be more respectful of my feelings. The other day, my fiancé left his pictures on his computer open, and I snooped. I found so many naked photos sent to him from other women, naked photos of ex's, and screenshots of his female friends' breasts from their webcam sessions. The most jarring photos I stumbled upon were up close photos of his previous ex masturbating on webcam for him. I do not suspect that those photos were taken while my fiancé and I were in a relationship, but I do know that the photo was looked at while we've been together. I know he hasn't technically done anything wrong, but I feel terrible about it. And to make matters worse, the photos of all the women look nothing like me. I wished I never snooped in the first place because now I am even more insecure than before. And I do not want to confront him about it because I know what I did was wrong and he will be mad at me for invading his privacy. How can I overcome this growing insecurity so that it does not ruin my relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): Normal pictures of days gone by are totally acceptable. Nude, inappropriate sexual pictures kept for his own pleasure? No. No. No. This is only my opinion but I would not be marrying a man who disrespected the sanctity of our relationship in this way. "Forsaking all others" can you hand on heart say you believe him? Postpone the wedding. Take a step back. See (really see) what is going on here.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 At the outset of marriage his focus should be entirely on you. If he's still got part of his mind on ex's before you're even married, how will it be when you hit the inevitable rough waters than every marriage encounters? His trove of keepsakes is a red flag, and you're right to acknowledge it as such.
You need a satisfactory resolution before you go through with the wedding. If he can't understand why you're upset and insecure, if he refuses to get rid of them, or if he does so only grudgingly -- well, that tells you something important about him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2016):
 I would ask him if he was OK with you having videos of MALE friends and maybe an ex or two whacking off - for you to keep and use when masturbating. See what he says.
And I would tell him, that THIS is non-negotiable. NO dirty picture of exes or friends. He has NO right to keep those videos of the ex. He is no longer with her. She might have MADE it for him, but that was with IN the concept of being IN a relationship with him. You think HER new BF would like the idea that this EX is whacking off to HIS GF? Would YOU like the idea of an EX whacking off to you?
It's common sense that thing of a sexual nature is NOT a keep-sake. An old picture (with clothes on), a book they bought you, a ticket stump, a knick-knack, a t-shirt... THOSE are things you can keep when moving on. But dirty videos? And dirty pictures? No, not OK. Not even if he put it on a "memory stick" - it's NOT his to keep any more.
And for him to have kept boobshots of women he calls friends? Wrong on every level.
TOTALLY not acceptable.
And I can see why you feel a bit insecure here.
Are you actually sure you want to marry this guy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Time to say bye bye to this horrid excuse of a man. A real man would not do this as you would be enough to make him happy. I personally would have deleated all the videos and pics because if his exes knew he was getting off on them still they might not like that. Your relationship is already screwed. I bet if you did marry him you would be divorced within 5 years due to his cheating. This guy is a boy not a man. Yes he has done something wrong...he is a pervert. Do you really want to marry a pervert? He is a sick sick man..run away as fast as you can..Please do not be a fool.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): Personally I think there is nothing wrong in keeping pictures of ex's taken on social occasions and do's. It is just memoirs and memories of the past,and respect to those we shared parts of our lives with.But to keep indecent pictures of them is wrong, but, again now a days a lot of ladies on dating and social websites do flaunt a lot of flesh to attract attention , So honestly it has become difficult to separate what is decent and what is indecent.If I were you I would confront him not just to delete the pictures but to make absolutely sure if he is ready to commit or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): He left the photos open so you didn't snoop so don't worry about that at all. If you have insecurity about him flirting with other people then I think most people would do the same.I wouldn't want to stay with this man. I can sense that you still want to be with him because you are worried about what he would think of you snooping. He should be more worried about what you think of him!It's disgusting keeping that rubbish to look at while he's with you. Imagine how he would react if he found you with all these images of men on your computer. How would he react?Besides that how would his ex feel if she knew he still had these images of her? Would she be happy? If any of my exes kept stuff like that of me I would be really upset knowing he kept them to make a new girlfriend feel the way you do.Honestly have a good think about leaving him, he isn't husband material.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): MAstrubation and porn are a normal part of a person's life, as long as it is healthy (I'm talking about normal sex pics, no children pornography, violence etc.).What you described is personal. He is mastrubating to photos of women he had sex with. I can't say that it means nothing. Obviously it means SOMETHING to him, otherwise he wouldn't have kept the photos after ending the relationships. Maybe it's his thing and it's great that he had foudn partners that also like that kind of stuff, but it's not ok that he keeps masturbating to them with you in his life. If he can't see that, well he either needs therapy or you guys are simply not for each other.Also, can you be sure tha all tehse pics were sent to him before you started going out? Just a question.Also, naturally flirtatious person does not exist. There are people who flirt naturally, but they KNOW when it is appropriate to do so. It sounds to me that you have been accepting certain behaviour (that you don't agree with) from the start. You do not flirt with your friends. That's why they are friends. The moment you flirt with a friend he becoms somethung elese and not "just" a friend.Another thing. There is a possibility that you are not as introverted and reserved as you may think. Or as he may have made you think. He could be exploiting your insecurities to continue to live as he likes to regardless of your opinion (because you can't really understand free spirits being introverted as you are? F*** him).He has the right to live the way he likes, but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. Even if he is really true to his words and says he wouldn't mind you doing the same (I seriously doubth that), if you are not that kind of a person it's no use haeving all these "freedoms". You can't make yourself flirt with every guy you meet. You mayjust bee ill suited.People say that marriage is no different from a committed relationship. I agree and honestly your fiancé does not sound that committed. Thus, he may continue to do the same thing afetr you get married. Before talking to him I'd really talk to myself and accept whatever I hear that comes from the heart. You have to know what your bounderies are before you talk to him. If not only pics, but flirting bothers you, you should tell him, but know that here is nothing wrong with that! Don't let him convince you otherwise. His behaviour is not acceptable by standards of majority of people. He maybe needs to find a woman who will act teh same as he does. Problem solved.And I have to agree with Denizen. Infidelity is just a step away. If he kept all those pics at the begining of your relationship whan he is supposed to be madly in love with you, wait till you celebrate your 10th anniversary (or rather don't). I am afraid it could be that he found a nice, little, quiet wife that will let him do whatever he wants, including having fun with more interesting women. Sorry.A man who loves a woman and is truelly committed to her does not flirt. When he starts to do so, he fell oout of love. Pure and simple. And could be looking for something else down teh road...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 Whoa..back the bus up you feel as though you have done something wrong by snooping...honey he has been whacking off to porn of his exes and so called fiends tit movies. you are allowing yourself to be made a fool of by not confronting him. Even more so by theses very woman, you believe are his FRIENDS. You are about to be married and this is not behaviour to feel the need to be the cool hip accepting wife. You ARE in a relationship and he does STILL have them on his computer and STILL looks at/uses them, how is that being considerate of your feelings? This is deal breaker stuff IMO. If he is going to get mad, it should be at himself for hurting you and jeopardising the relationship not because he has been caught out. No wonder you are insecure, I wouldn't expect you to be feeling any other way given that he still has these woman as friends. So, they go, he goes or you go. If he is at all serious-they do.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 You need to get him to dump the pictures. It doesn't matter that his privacy was invaded. He left his computer open. Any anger will just be him trying to deflect what he has been doing.
You can't seriously be about to marry someone who is still carrying around this crap on his PC.
The thing about being unfaithful is that it always happens in the person's head before it happens in reality. This is sordid. Supposing it was underwear instead of pictures. Wouldn't you be revolted. It's the same thing in essence. You can't let this go if you want any hope of a happy life ahead.
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