A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm going through very difficult times with my 10 year boyfriend and also best friend. During our relationship (we started dating when I was 19 and he was 21) I have been very selfish and not doing nearly enough for someone I love and loved me so much and did everything for me. We met each other when we both went to college, to attend the same course. We always relied on each other for everything. We spent almost all of our time together. The friends we have are all common to us. We had almost no life out of each other and we had the same routine until now.Now he is on a new course since October,finally feeling like he is doing something he likes and I'm in my first job. And everything went sour from then on.One day, back a month ago we were both in a coffeshop with our friends and some of his new colleagues popped up. I started to feel neglected, that I wasn't given attention and I got very sad and frustrated. At the end of the night he realised I wasn't ok and asked what was going on, but I refused to talk and was very cold to him. Unfortunately that was something i used to do many times when things didn't go my way.Two days later and we were having a very difficult conversation which ended up with him saying something like: his new course gave him a new perspective on our relationship, that things weren't right, that he got tired of me behaving like that and all of the sacrifices and compromise i didn't do. Those sacrifices he asked were small things like: taking the bus(since i don't have a car) and surprise him by showing up on the afternoon,showing up after he had an exam at his request. This last one marked him especially as he asked on our first years of college and he still remembers I told him I wouldn't show up as I had to sleep. He can count by one hand in 10 years how many times I have surprised him..In that conversation he also said we were diverging,he was changing, he was tired of my reactions and the lack of compromise I didn't have(that he took all of this along this years and my latest reaction was the cause of him bursting out).It wasn't the first time he talked to me about my lack of compromising and how it hurt him and how i said that would change. He reminded me he had said how sasd he felt when he saw all of those couples hanging out together and he was there by himself at a coffeeshop while I was at home.We ended up the conversation deciding we would fight for our relationship as there is too much to lose.Things have been very difficult and it hurst seeing him unstable. He isn't as caring as he used to and, sometimes, he acts a bit distant, which it's something I confronted him with and he acknowledges it.Two days ago and about one month later since our big conversation, by the end of the night, I noticed he wasn't ok and was a bit distant. He initially didn't want to talk(which would be something I would do) but i convinced him to. And it hurt like hell to hear him say that he woke up a few days ago not missing me and that he loved me but just not like he used to. I told him the same a good friend of ours told him in another occasion that if he felt like that, maybe it meant something. He told us both he didn't want that to mean anything. After him saying this I suggested giving us time with no contact whatsoever. He broke down and said he wasn't prepared to do it now, that he knew without a single doubt he loved me and was afraid to lose me and that he couldn't bare the thought of not knowing how I was.So, after this, we decided we should have a day for ourselves next weekend and see how it goes and if it doesn't go well maybe give it a time, to see if he missed me and to work things out in his head. I told him that I needed him to figure out if he still wants a future with me. Before all of this, may 4 months ago we were making plans to him moving to my house, we had chosen names for our future kids and for me, not knowing if he still wants this is kind of a setback.This next 3 days we won't see each other but will talk by phone at lunch time(and we just say a few words) and at night and text as always, as he has a busy school schedule, but he said if i still wanted no contact he would understand.I feel overwhelmed with all of this situation, I don't know if we are doing the right thing and I don't want to lose him because I love him, I believe we have something special and we have built so much together.We are very open and honest with each other, we know exactly what the other is thinking and we have many things in common.I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or think. I hope this might not be too late.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): I am of a different opinion.I think he is torn between wanting a new life and a positive change and staying with you. I think that he loves you but that a big part of your relationship is a habit and he wants out but he is scared.You acted very badly for years. It's not something that can just go away. I stayed in such a bad relationship (constructive, we loved each other, but he would do the same thing you did to your bf all the time) because I thought that in time it'll get better. Maybe it could have... but when we took some time off, after 7 years, I kept crying for days but wouldn't go back to him. I felt so free. Positive changes were possible and it was enough for me.Btw, it happened as soon as I started my PhD thesis and met some great people... mu life changed for the better.We stayed in touch, as time passed we contacted each other less and less. I got married to a guy whose nothing like him and he got married to a woman who's very similar to him (seeks perfection, but is insecure and can't talk, deals with people by giving them the silent treatment). And they're happy. And so am I :)SO even if you do break up, it's an opportunity to find someone more compatible with yourself...
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 The answer is staring you in the face, he has told you he wants you to compromise and make more off an effort in the relationship. Therefore GET out there and fight for your relationship. Show up and surprise him. Take him for lunch and YOU get the bill. Buy him a gift and show him you care.
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