A
female
age
41-50,
*orceedea
writes:So my fiance don't care much about health, diet, eating habits, etc while i do and am trying and would love to eat and be as healthy as i can be not just for myself but for my future family and my career. I currently hold a bachelor's in Alternative Medicine and want to get into the raw food diet. But he doesn't like the idea even though he says he does not mind. We've had arguments about it and he has made me feel terrible about my decisions and concern for our health in the future. He says he likes eating junk and fat and although he knows it's bad for you, he doesn't see anything wrong with eating it every weekend. He says we are gonna die eventually so who cares. His view is to live the best you can and take advantage of all the things while you're still alive. Every time i want to try something new (Food Wise), and i show him, he gives a look of disgust. One of the questions he asked me is if he we have kids in the future if i am going to make them eat the healthy foods i want to live by? He says i can do it for myself but not for him or his future kids. I tell him that i see this as a future problem that may even eventually lead us to divorce each other while he see's it as something stupid and that the divorce scenario won't happen. What do you guys think? Should i worry? I just feel like sometimes he doesn't understand my decision. He says i don't need to do the things i want to do to be healthy. But he doesn't understand why or what my plans are. Need less to say, it frustrates me whenever we do talk about it he's just negative and puts me down. Any opinion and advice? Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Yes I do , as I hate lentils, and vegetarian meat substitues like quorn x
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female
reader, sorceedea +, writes (7 September 2010):
sorceedea is verified as being by the original poster of the question Talkinghelps you are wrong. He liked my lentil burger and as i stated before, he ate 4 of them thank you. You wouldn't know if you'd like them if you don't try :-).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): the thought of lentil burgers makes em want to barf! haha
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reader, sorceedea +, writes (4 September 2010):
sorceedea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You Cerberus, he doesn't cook cause he doesn't know how. He'll make anything easy like scrambled eggs (He doesn't know how to make hard boiled eggs lol), Toast, and anything already already made in which you just have to heat up and go. I've asked him to come in the kitchen with me so i can teach him two or three easy things but he just refuses. All he does is whine, sits back, plays games, and tells me "You cook". I just call him lazy but i don't think i can do anything else about it. Yes i have tried and do make homemade meals. Just yesterday morning i made fresh chocolate chip cookies in which his mother came over and took a dozen for her to take to work. And no, they were not vegan. They were very fattening lol. I haven't tried making burgers out of real meat yet simply because i can't stand touching meat for some reason. It grosses me out. I did however, make lentil burgers which are very healthy and he did like the burgers and ate 4 of them which made me happy. Is just hard trying to find something that i know is healthy and that he will like. For example, i love drinking green juices and carrot juice (YUM!), but he hates it. My goal is to try to see if i can make it to his liking. That's really my problem, whenever i tell him i want to make say an example my vegan chocolate chip cookies which is healthy and taste the same as non vegan cookies he doesn't want to even try. And i tell him i just want to try a few things here and there from the raw food diet. If i find something i like, I'll add it to my daily diet ranging from heated foods, junk food (to kill those cravings), and raw food. does that make sense? For now i want to try the raw food for myself to just detoxify my body and then go back to my normal daily habits. I hope i made sense lol :-).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): After reading your reply I have a suggestion perhaps you've already tried this I don't know.
But if he likes hotdogs, burgers, fried chicken, cookies and things like that. Have you tried experimenting with homemade versions of those? I don't mean vegetarian versions, but homemade burgers and cooking your own chicken recipes etc. There are a lot of really good recipes out there that you can try that make those foods far tastier and healthier. I mean homemade burgers are one of my favourite meals. Using lean mince, with egg white to bind it, added diced onions, a small bit of tomato puree and wholemeal breadcrumbs to the burger mix. With wholemeal bun, salad and low fat cheese.
Things like that. They can take a bit of experimenting but once you get one that's to his taste he'll love them.
How come you're the one who cooks all the meals? Is he not able to cook or just because of work schedules. Because I find people who aren't able to cook a quick meal are the ones that are more likely to eat junk as it's more convenient than ruining a meal the first few times. Perhaps again you could find him some 5 minute dinner recipes he can cook quickly and easily. Or have food prepared to be cooked, you know veg chopped and meat prepared, so he can just throw it on easily.
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reader, sorceedea +, writes (4 September 2010):
sorceedea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see everyone's point of view on this subject but it's not like i had in mind to stick to this diet forever. I honestly can't do that because there are other foods that i enjoy and like in which i grew up with and is a part of my culture. I can't deprive myself of these foods i grew up with, however, i don't think raw food diet is so bad as many make it out to be simply because it's fruits, vegetables, and grains you are eating which contains the vitamins your body needs. Yes, i understand there are other foods your body needs in which must be cooked and i am well aware of that. But my plan was to go raw (for myself) until i feel better about myself. A form of detox i guess you can say, and then mix them with foods we both eat on a daily basis. Sometimes eat cooked foods and other times eat raw foods etc. I honestly don't think it's so wrong and such a terrible thing because it is fruits and vegetables. I may not be a doctor as of yet and i may not have a nutrition degree and i am well aware that my knowledge of it is limited to those who have years of study but i am not ignorant or dumb either to believe that eating raw food is better for you. I don't have children yet so i don't see why anybody would think i want to experiment with them when the truth is i want to try FOR MYSELF. The fact is, he is he doesn't like it because i do all the cooking in the house. Hence, whatever i cook, he feels he needs to eat. And although i tell him he does not need to, he does not listen. That's what makes me feel awful.
As a vegetarian, i limit my consumption of soy products but i do eat cheese, yogurts, etc. I don't consume meat but i do let him consume meat. I come from a Puerto Rican background hence, i understand people's desire, love, and cravings for meat. As such, i grew up with foods i love from my culture and as i said, i can't deprive myself from these foods. Either way, i thank you all for your comments and advice. Just thought I'd explain myself more because it seems to me as though many of you assumed i either have a child or planned to experiment and force them to go completely raw when in reality that was not the case.
Perhaps i did not explain myself properly and i am terribly sorry but to eat whole grains, fruits, vegetables, etc is not at all bad. I know which fats are good and which fats are bad and the reason why they are needed as well as other foods that are part of important healthy diet. My fiance is not fat at all, but comes from a family with weight problems and he wants to try to limit his chances of gaining weight so easily (which he can). But his problem is he loves eating chips, cookies, fried foods, etc. There's not much vegetables he likes and that's what makes it difficult.
I can leave him alone which i do and i don't complain when he eats hot dogs, burgers, etc. and listen to him complain about his weight going up, or i can try to help him and teach him the little i know. I am not playing doctor as many might think and i am certainly not trying to play a nutritionist or a dietitian either, just trying to lend a hand in the knowledge i do have now. I don't think it's wrong but like i said. Thank You all for your comments and advice. I appreciate it. Thanks a million :-).
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 (Wave at cerbeus lady... thanks for popping in)
Children need a properly balanced eating schedule.. raw food diet or diet's of any kind are not suitable for them. They need sugar, milk and fat in higher quantities than adults (proportionally), if they are to develop properly. Children run and jump a lot, they need lots of energy because their rain is learning at a very high rate. That's why they need sweets and junk food sometime.
Never try unproven diets on kids, always go by the advice of child care specialists.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Okay I'm not Cerberus but his partner and I just wanted to chime in on his account.
I'm a girl like so many others that is quite obsessive when it comes to healthy eating, diets and maintaining a healthy body. We had similar problems in the beginning because I love him and want what's best for him, so I too want him to be healthy. When I found a new diet that promised to be healthier than the last and I've found quite a few (they promise you the world those diets.) I would always buy the stuff and start preparing it for meals etc. We had quite a few disagreements over it too.
The problem is there are more than one way to eat healthily and me trying to convince him that my way was the right way was wrong of me. If he wants to eat junk all day that's his choice not mine, what's most important is that he's happy.
We came to a compromise a few years ago, that I wasn't going to demean him by trying to tell him I know what's best for him in his diet. If I want to try something new i never force him to try some or shove 'facts' about its benefits down his throat. I just make the meal and he always comes over to see, he even asks himself now about these things and what they're supposed to benefit. He even tastes some of them and has incorporated some of those meals into his own diet. He won't admit it of course.
As far as the kids go, you want what's best for them, so you give them an approved healthy diet as prescribed by mothers and health professionals everywhere but you also let them have junk every once in a while because eating is supposed to be pleasurable too.
Eating is about health and happiness. They're both equally important. If he's not happy eating those foods then don't keep pestering him about them. I found once I stopped doing that, just got on with it, prepared separate meals, that he became more open to trying them as I made delicious alternative dishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is an issue you have to stop trying to force upon him. He's made his stance clear yet you continue to bring up medically unproven extreme diets to him when he's perfectly happy the way he is. If it's not broken, don't fix it.
Of course he doesn't understand your decision, you're trying to change his diet from one that has worked through generations of his family. Eating habits he's happy with, food that gives him joy and makes him feel good and sustains him. For some whacky 'alternative' diet.
Look if you want to change things in your life, if you feel you will benefit from this diet then by all means go for it but stop forcing your opinions about it down his throat. You say he's very negative about it but you're the one telling him he's going to die young and that he's unhealthy i.e. not able to care of his body properly.
If you think he's being annoying then maybe you should look at yourself.
My mother was a fad eater like you. One month it was the raw food diet, next month it was the water diet, numerous herbal detox's, vegetarianism, veganism. She's also into alternative medicine and lifestyle, and I have to say the more she tried to force it on us the more resistant we became because it was all based on some article she'd read, on some 'doctor's' (quack with a PHD, not medical) new theory on a 'good' diet.
Look you obviously have a passion for this kind of stuff and there's nothing wrong with that but he doesn't so leave him alone. You know he'll have a negative reaction to these quack diets you have planned for him. While it is important to be healthy, a normal diet and exercise is the best way to achieve that.
I run 40km a week, row for 40 minutes each day. I workout on weights, I spend a good deal of my time perfecting and improving my body, so I understand why it is important to you. I eat 2600 calories a day, I eat a balanced amount of fat, protein, carbs and vitamins etc. I like to eat junk food and drink alcohol on the weekends too. But I really don't see how people have to make it so complicated or listen BS from others about some new way to be healthy.
It's unnecessary in the extreme. The only proven healthy diet is a regular one, where our nutritional requirements are met and balanced with the workload we put on our bodies. What the hell is the point in looking anything else up if we already know what the perfect diet entails. If we already know that you just have to balance it correctly.
Look, you know this is not the kind of lifestyle he wants to have, if you can't deal with that then you are going to have problems in the future. As far as kids are concerned, I think he's right, it would not be in their best interest to deviate from the medically proven healthy diet of adequate portions of fish, meat, veg and fruit etc. It would not be fair for you to experiment on their bodies with medically unproven diets and frankly it will make them outcasts and weird.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Why the raw diet? That is a very highly debatable diet as there are arguments on both sides arguing how healthy or unhealthy it really is! And to some people chicken liver and cabbage soup is not appetising, but a steak with a nice side salad with tomatoes carrots lettuce and avacado is a very healthy but appetising meal. Bet ur husband would appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): You've got a Bachelor's degree; you're not a professional dietician or nutritionist. You are not in a position to tell your fiance what he should and shouldn't eat from a health point of view. You don't have any professional medical qualifications. You don't know any better than your bf as far as food is concerned, because as far as I can see you are opting for such an extreme outlook which is unsustainable and will make your bf unhappy. This is a bad as just eating junk except it has the added overtone of self-righteousness. Going too far one way is just as bad as going too far the other.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 September 2010):
 I think you need to compromise. The raw food diet is just over the top and far too extreme to be a lifestyle you stick with forever, and if I was your partner I would not be at all happy with that! A diet is never going to appeal to your partner, and it should not appeal to you either - diets are fads, scientific research will come out to support them then a few months/years later research will come out and it will completely disprove the initital research. That is the nature of science, it changes the more we advance.
So forget diets, they will never work in the way you want them to and if you forced your kids into that mentality too they would grow up with an unhealthy view of food.
The mentality everyone should have towards food and health is quite simple - everything in moderation. You can have a little bit of junk food once in a while, it is not going to hurt if you allow yourself a treat once in a while. Yes overall junk food is bad for you, but so is depriving yourself and turning food into the enemy. I would say that eating a healthy balanced diet most of the time is the way forward, your diet needs to have a good range of foods incorporating all the food groups so your body gets the full range of vitamins and nutrients it needs. Your body NEEDS fat, but good fats rather than saturated fats. So oily fish, olive oil etc is GOOD! Your body needs carbs for energy, your body needs fruit and veg for all the specific vitamins and minerals they contain, and your body needs protein for your muscles and repair.
So you must see that having a purely raw food diet is unrealistic, and will mean you miss out on food groups because you cannot eat them raw!
I think your husband is being a bit ignorant by the sounds of things though, the "live fast die young" attitude is silly and to expect you to allow your kids to eat crap all the time like him is just absurd, he should care about his kids health not want to ruin it from a young age!
So you need to talk to him about this - say his attitude towards his health is worrying you. Tell him you dont want this to be a problem in the future and you would like to talk about this now. Say to him you are sorry for all the talk about diets and you will never force him into a lifestyle he doesnt want to have. But you need to meet in the middle about this issue so you want to try and resolve this issue as you love him and dont want this to be the reason you split up.
My suggestion for the compromise is that you dont do any diets, and your new lifestyle will just be eating well and eating a balanced diet. This will be low in sat fats, and low in other bad things like salt etc - but it will not be a fad diet, and it will just be good healthy food you both like. Make a list of all your favourite meals, and get him to do a list too. Combine your lists and you have plenty to choose from, and agree that you will do a mix of his meals and your meals each week. And then on one day at the weekend you have a day off the "healthy eating" where you can both relax and eat whatever you want, so he can have his junk food if he wants. So this way you have a day for him where he can enjoy himself, and then the rest of the week you have your list of reasonably healthy meals you can alternate between and enjoy eating together.
He is kind of right that you only live once so there is no point in depriving yourself of the things you enjoy, but then again you are right in wanting to be healthy as it means this life we only get one chance at will be much longer than it would be if you ate rubbish all the time! So you are both right in your own ways, it is just a question of finding a compromise. So approach it in that way, make it clear to your partner that you want this to work and you want to meet him in the middle on this issue. After all, compromise is what makes a relationship work and the key to a successful future marriage, so you both need to get good at it!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I understand you are frustrated about his negativity. However, if I were your fiance I would find it extremely annoying to have someone try and influence my eating habits when I am happy with them as they are. You do not say that your fiance is overweight or unhealthy, so I am writing this answer based on the fact that he isn't, by the way.
You also say that every time you want to try something new he doesn't like it. It sounds from the post like you have all sorts of food ideas and to be honest he is probably just tired of them. I would also think that if you keep coming up with new ideas it would indicate that you do not hold a lot of confidence in your existing ones, so why should he?
People with hang ups about food and particular eating regimes are difficult to deal with at the best of times. If, however, you are trying to push them onto your bf I think that is unfair and selfish. You can eat how and what you like, but you shouldn't expect others to do it too. I'm sure your fiance won't stop you doing it, but he probably doesn't want to do it himself. He has told you why, so why can't you respect his wishes to follow his own eating habits? Are your diet ideas more important than letting your fiance be happy and content?
It also strikes me that you might not have much authority to preach your ideas to your fiance. A BA is not really a particularly high level qualification to be able to dictate your fiance's eating habits. You don't even have a Masters let alone a PhD. I have a PhD but I would never use it to try and influence my partner's everyday behaviour. You sound like you are very passionate about your subject but not highly qualified. I would therefore leave it to a professional if you want people to change their eating habits.
If you cannot live with him unless he eats how you want him too then it is probably best that you break up. You have to get your priorities right; I know if someone wanted to control my eating habits on the basis of a Bachelor's degree I would be having serious doubts.
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