A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My birthday was yesterday and my fiance and I had made plans on Christmas day to spend the day before (Sunday) together, as on my actual birthday (Monday) I got him basketball tickets to go watch his favorite team play as a Christmas gift, which he was very excited about and I was happy for him as well.Last Friday, he tells me that he is going bowling with his cousins on Sunday (same day we planned to celebrate my birthday), he completely forgot that we made plans for that same day. I remind him that we won't be seeing each other as he is going to the game, so he assures me that he will come take me out after bowling with his cousins. I was like okay, it's fine as long as we still spend time together as it is a very special moment for me. I moved to his state recently for him, and I don't have any friends nor family to celebrate my birthday with.. it's a very emotional and nostalgic moment as well.On Sunday, it happens that his phone was off ALL DAY, I call, I text, goes straight to voicemail. He finally calls me at 6pm saying that he was sorry but he won't make it to my area as he is very tired from bowling... I express my disappointement and he then blames me for not understanding him and for making a scene for "just a birthday". At that point, I just gave up I didn't want to argue and feel even sadder for my birthday as I was spending it alone. Monday, he texted me happy birthday at 11 am, nothing else. We then had a little argument as I explained to him that he is materialistic, celebrating a birthday is not about gifts/parties but just about spending time with loved ones and reminiscing about the year that has just passed. He somewhat understood me and said that he would come visit me after the game... well It didn't happen either. At 1am, he called to thank me for the tickets as he had a great time, then he asked me if I was upset? At that point I didn't even bother replying so I just said good night and ended the conversation. Also I haven't seen him since a week ago, and he is not planning to seeing me today either. I asked him if he wanted to meet today and he said he wasn't sure and that he would let me know...We have been together for 2 and half years and engaged since a month ago..What do you think? Thank you in advance for your helpful insights.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): His cellphone off all day on Sunday ( your birthday ) day? Too tired to come over and see you on your birthday? You are not a kid and he's busy spending time with some else. You don't deserve this. He's taking you for granted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Sometimes you have to stand-up as a matter of principle. It will always be thrown in your face that nothing you say or do is that important; because he's working hard for you. So show your appreciation, and shut-up while you're at it!
Bullsh*t!!!
That old excuse has been passed down from generation to generations of men. What is the point of working hard for a woman, or your family, if you show them no love?
If you don't make them feel special, or like a priority in your life? He just pays the bills and provides material comforts.
Do you earn a good living on your own? If you don't; then maybe he figures providing you financial-security is all you need to make you happy. If you came from poverty, and he came from better a better financial situation. He'll always feel you're simply in it for what you can get out of it.
If that is the case, once he has reached a certain point in his financial-success; he will trade you in for a younger prettier female without stretch-marks. Dump the kids you had together on you to raise by yourself; and enjoy arranged scheduled-visits with them from time to time.
If he has known you any length of time prior to your engagement; he knows you're sentimental about your birthday. You made no big demands. You wanted to spend some special time with him. He totally dismissed you, and found reasons to avoid you. Then when you attempted to discuss how you felt; he simply trivialized your feelings with the "I'm working hard for our future" excuse. To flip you in into guilt-mode. "Stop whining" may as well have been his direct response.
He found time for his own recreation, and traded away your face-time to entertain his "cousin."
You're not twelve! Why the hell would you want to go bowling on your birthday? He knew you'd decline the offer. What would have been nice, would have been to have secretly setup a surprise for you. If he had, he never would have allowed you to decline being with him, and would found a way to entice you to come along. He didn't!
He pulls all-nighters, does he? Okay!
What kind of heterosexual male passes up intimate time with his woman for a cousin? Unless the cousin offered him a side-deal he just couldn't refuse!
This, as I said before, is a small taste of your future with this man. Always putting cousins, work, and his blood-relations ahead of his wife. Postponing time with you, for other spur-of-the-moment plans. Then when you try to communicate your feelings; you'll be put in your place like a spoiled child, and dismissed for being foolish.
Meeting his family means squat, if he doesn't treat you like the love of his life. It's not just about your birthday, it's about everything before, after, and in-between.
Think about it, girlfriend. Is this what you want for now and forever-after? If financial-security is all you need; then spend his money until it makes you feel loved!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2016):
 I highly doubt that "bowling with his cousins" is all he did. Who gets exhausted from bowling unless they were playing some sort of bowling drinking game??? Bowling a few games isn't a tiring event! I should know! I bowled in leagues for a few years, and everyone was always up for going out afterwards to party.
He's trying to get you to break up with him so that he doesn't have to look like the bad guy. I would be suspicious of him cheating as his "late night" stories are starting to multiply.
Your boyfriend is a massive liar. You were told not to bowl because he wasn't going to be there - it was a cover for what he really wanted to do. He's "at the business" 24/7 because he's with someone else.
Break it off with him and get back to where your family is.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 January 2016):
 Sweetie please have a long think about why you want to marry this guy. You ask how can you get him to understand how you feel, and the answer is that you can't. He sounds immature and not ready to have a fiance. He puts himself first.
It must be scary living in a state that is new to you and having a fiance as un-supportive as him. Its awful to hear that you have to go through this. Why did you not move in with him when you moved to his state? Are you living alone? What do you do outside of this relationship to pass the time?
To me it sounds like he couldn't really be bothered with this relationship. He wants a girlfriend who is there when he needs her but when you need him he just doesn't care. You deserve better honey.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): Get rid of this numpty - he's selfish piece of work and doesn't seem to consider your feelings at all! You've sacrificed so much for him and he doesn't seem to acknowledge this. Give him a good talking to, I think he needs a reality check!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): You don't do that to someone you love. Forgetting is one thing, it can happen. But not doing anything about it once reminded, or doing quite the opposite is deliberate. It doesn't mater that he maybe doesn't care about birthdays. You made it clear that you want yours to be special.My husband had a horrible childhood and hates birthdays (his own and other peoples'). I softened him up a bit. Even though I can't do anything about him ignoring his own birthday he learned to respect mine and his friends'.So, I would seriously think about the position I am.Why did you move there? Was it you idea? Did he just go along with it? It's really weird that you guys didn't move in together when you moved (unless you got a job in another town) if you planned your future together. Sometimes people just go along in order to avoid upsetting the partner. But when the things get serious or really close to happening they realize they need to be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your insights, I do feel now that I am not his priority and not even on my birthday. I have already met his whole family and he met mine as well when they came to visit. I was actually invited to go bowling as well but he told me not to go because he won't be there for long. He said he would hang out with his cousins for an hour then come to my area which is about one hour from the bowling alley to come spend time with me, that's why I didn't go to bowling because I was waiting for him.Also, on Saturday night he pulled an all nighter at his workplace which is owned by his family, so he has the keys and is always there 24/7. He didn't get much sleep on Saturday night regardless of the plans we had. He was being very immature and inconsiderate about my feelings.I talked to him about all of this over the phone yesterday... he said that if I respected him I wouldn't say that, that he works hard for me so we can build a future... but how can he not work on our relationship first? He responded that he loves me and just not because he didn't do anything for my birthday doesn't mean that he doesn't care about it. In my opinion, it does.I feel like no matter how hard I try to explain it to him, he just doesn't understand and doesn't make any efforts to make it up. It's always me not understanding him and exaggerating everything...How do I make him realize all of this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): No, don't marry him. Go home. You're wasting your time with this one.
I forgot my fiancé's birthday once. I'd been researching what to get him for weeks and I found just the thing. The big day rolls around but since I was moving house and had spent all night doing last minute packing, I forgot it was his birthday. :-( We were LDR so I shot him a quick good morning message and carried on packing & moving. When he reminded me later that day, I felt so bad that I found a way to make it up to him.
Your fiance didn't proactively plan anything for you in advance, you planned everything yourself. He made plans that coincided with your plans despite you reminding him of said plans. He made a half added promise to see you and broke it twice. And now he's been AWOL for a week. This isn't boyfriend, let alone marriage material. I'm sorry you'd invested so much, but you need to take back your power and self respect in this relationship. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): I think he isn't considerate of your feelings. I would be disappointed if I were in your shoes too. This was something planned in advance, and you only wanted his company for your birthday and this is nothing over the top. Furthermore, you moved to a new place for him. I think him helping you settling down should be a priority during this period, not just going off with his cousins for bowling. He could have asked you along and it would have been a nice opportunity to meet his extended family, especially since you two are engaged. I find it a little odd that his phone would be off the entire day though. Even when my boyfriend and I are extremely busy, we still text each other to let the other party know what's up during our spare time. Him breaking promises like going over and then bailing out, blaming you when he was the one at fault, as well as not seeing each other much doesn't seem like a good sign to me. Unless you guys are really busy with work, I think couples should see each other at least once a week, even more so when you are engaged. He does not sound like he treasures you. I think you should let him know how you feel, and find out if he is committed to making this relationship work, as janniepeg mentioned. I do not think it is anything unreasonable to have wanted a birthday celebration with your fiance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): It seems as though he is slowly pulling away. I think this guy has changed his mind about getting married, and is doing his best to piss you off. I mean all this seems so thoughtless and even deliberate.
I know you're not likely to consider this; but maybe you should rethink marrying a guy who writes you off, and shows so little sensitivity for your feelings. He's freaking selfish! It breaks my heart!
Belated Happy birthday, sweetheart!
Mine is this Thursday, but I'm just the opposite about birthdays. I like mine quiet, unplanned, and prefer to just be spontaneous. My circle of friends have already bought me a cake, and taken me out to dinner and dancing. I shared the cake with a friend who's birthday was last Friday. Our names were on the same cake! It was a beautiful cake, but I'm sooooo tired of cake! Wedding cakes, birthday cakes, cake at work, cake at church! My boyfriend already knows he had better not go too overboard. I get totally embarrassed. So close to Christmas, I don't expect gifts. He spent a fortune on me, and I just want something quiet and romantic. That's all! We're mature gay men, he reads me well. But he can be stubborn, and when he decides to do something; shut-up and put-up. Or, get a lecture on how much fuss I make over people; then make everyone feel bad trying to be nice to me. Like I just want to praised and ride on the glory for what I do!
That pisses me off! It's not true! That hurt my feelings!
Maybe I'm just getting older! I've always been easy to please!
I think you need to sit him down and have a good talk. He has been neglectful and insensitive. It's all about him and his friends. Well, what about you? He totally wrote you off!
Let buddy-boy know that engagement periods are trial periods, and his behavior now determines what you can look forward to from him in the future. Give it lots of thought, girlfriend. Don't let the dress and deposit on a reception hall force you to marry a dip-sh*t! Is this what you've got to look forward to?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 January 2016):
 You are already engaged but you sound like you are dating for just a few months. While forgetting birthdays is not necessarily a sign that a man doesn't love you, with this guy I have to question. You move states to be with him and yet he acts so careless about time. For me, I would not move to be with a guy unless it's the same address. People don't take engagements seriously. It sounds like you do a lot for him and yet he feels you moving closer is just a convenience and he's not showing any appreciation for that.
Cluelessness is how I would describe this relationship. Maybe you started out as long distance and you never got the chance to lay out expectations. Maybe he's surprised you actually moved to him and he doesn't know how to deal with reality.
Forgetting your birthday, his phone going off, being too tired. I think that's one coincidence too many. I don't think he's into this relationship as you think. If you are ready to make long term plans with this guy, isn't time that you meet his family members or maybe celebrate your birthday with his cousins too? If you are engaged you shouldn't have no family. You should be calling his parents in laws. Don't you think?
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