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female
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anonymous
writes: I had from a boyfriend from out of town for 3 years who lied to me since he was married. I found out and broke up and made it impossible for him to contact me, (change numbers and address) I was so heartbroken and lost my job, very depressed and I met this wonderful man who came to save me. I wasn't in love but I accepted his proposition, we've been married now 3 1/2 years. Not one days goes by, when I don't think of my ex. Now he has got in touch with me (he's been divorced), I heard his voice and it's like nothing has changed in my heart, I love him deeply. I only spoke to him once, I hid my feelings and I made it clear I don't want to be bothered, but I'm growing so unhappy. My husband doesn't deserve this!!! I feel so miserable, what kind of person I am!! My husband is such a wonderful man!! I try to be a good person and I won't accept any more contact, plus deep in my heart I know my husband gives me peace, love, and the stability, that I always wanted and it's so hard to achieve! Thank you very much to you who took time to hear me out!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): You are an amazing woman of courage and I mean that sincerely and with respect! More women NEED to be as strong as you and dump a lying, married cheater of man out of their lives, like you did with your ex-b/f. You did the right thing back then and you should be proud, hold your head high for not succumbing to your feelings..you heart did not rule your head. Way to go, girl!
Now you have another problem..the ex-married, cheater b/f wants back in your life. His past record of deceit/lies to you and his wife/family says a lot about his huge lack of moral and values. In your mind, you know he's not a good person..no matter how charming he is...how much you loved him...you have the strength to send him packing once again.
I would suggest you do this..tell him NEVER to call you again and that what you shared was tainted with lies and cheating. (it was not love on his part..you do understand that?..just selfishness-he wanted to have an affair-it was all about HIM) He will do it again and likely to you, if you give him a chance...and don't become like him and consider cheating on your husband. Women with high ideals and morals just don't do this. Keep your self-respect intact..love and adore your husband with the same feelings of deep, patient, kind love that he gives you. Plan to do things with hubby to keep building on that committment, that trust and respect you two share. Don't be tempted to cheat...you will hurt a good, good man such as your husband and you will devastate your life. Frankly, a few rolls in the hay and great sex with the ex b/f...just ain't worth the lifetime of grief this could cause you, hun. I am praying you hang in there and pleeease....be strong.
Hugs to you
A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (18 July 2005):
 You have done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong so you are not a bad person, far from it. You recognise how special your husband is and I think you know how much your ex has the ability to hurt you if you got involved with him again.
Feelings are so difficult to overcome and often they do seem to be directed to someone who just doesn't deserve them. We all strive to find a relationship or marriage that gives us everything we want; love, security, intimacy as well as a bit of excitement and fun. We can't always get everything and occasionally we may 'settle' for something that is ever so good but may not fulfil all that we want. However, we know that the grass just isn't greener on the other side and though there could be excitement and lots of passion, there is also too much of a possibility of heartache and heartbreak. When you weigh one up against the other, which one wins? Which one loses out?
You are doing the right thing, keep going and try to let go of the past by concentrating on all you have with the lovely man you describe. If you feel something is lacking in your marriage, think of ways of achieving that special something. Be spontaneous. Be a daredevil, do things together you wouldn't normally do and add a bit of spice to your marriage.
When you feel unhappy again when you think of your ex and how much you love him, remind yourself of what he did. Remember how it felt afterwards and all that you lost. You are in love with a memory of a previously good time that ended so very badly.
Keep going the way that you are and continue being strong.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): Although you love your husband for all the reasons you stated above, you are not in love with him, you are in love with your ex. If you really love your husband you need to let him go. He deserves someone who only thinks about him at night and someone who knows that no one will ever measure up to him in any department. You are not giving your husband what he truly deserves. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do - we, as human beings, cannot decide our feelings, we can only decide how we react to them. By bottling them up you are trying to deny them which is unfair to yourself and untruthful to yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself how can you ever truly love anyone? Good luck!
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A
female
reader, hopeless +, writes (18 July 2005):
I know how you feel. I was head over heels in love with my son's father. Then he left because he wasn't ready to give up his other girlfriend. Now four years later, after I've done got married and added to my family, he comes out of nowhere and the past feelings are there again. But I start to think about my husband and what happened between me and my ex in the past and I realized something: let the past be the past. Look at what you've got in front of you. If was meant to be it would have happened then. Just be strong.
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