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writes: I am a 62 year old retired professional man, and I was widowed a little over two years ago. My late wife and I were married for 32 years, essentially we had a 'good' marriage, and I have one grown up son. Seven months ago (August 2013) I met in slightly bizarre circumstances (she reversed her car into mine at a petrol filling station!) a 45 year old lady whom I will call 'Nicky' and I'll suffice to say that we have been boyfriend and girlfriend since mid-September. She is very attractive indeed (she was a model in her 20's I understand) but she is also what in broad terms would be described as 'very working class' compared to myself. However that has not proved a problem for either of us so far, although we do both publically and privately enjoy a great deal of friendly class related banter etc. Nicky, who is a very much more out going character than my late wife was, is twice divorced and is a grandmother. My problem is that whilst I just love Nicky's company and being seen out with her on my arm and so forth, I am afterwards wracked with feelings of disloyalty towards the memory of my late wife. Much more pertinent still however is the matter of sex. Nicky is immeasurably 'better in bed' than my wife ever was (there is no point in my trying to deny that fact to myself) she has introduced me to advanced sexual techniques, different positions, the use of sex toys, lubricants etc., plus she is infinitely more enthusiastic about it. I am loving every minute, make no mistake, but the feelings of guilt - and I suppose 'betrayal' - which can come concerning my late wife's memory in the aftermath of an enjoyable day or weekend away or whatever with this decidedly good looking and seventeen years younger woman are at times almost overwhelming! Should I just move on from my deceased wife now? I am not a particularly religious person, however I remain open minded about the possibility of an afterlife, and I truly wonder - however 'sad' I realise this may sound! - that my wife may be watching and be being deeply hurt by the fact that I am experiencing things with Nicky which I never did with her. Nicky herself is sympathetic (although I've mentioned it only once to her) but her motto for Life is along the lines of 'live for the present'. Any advice gratefully received!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 All I can say is trust your gut and enjoy the journey.
EVERYONE deserves happiness in their lives. If she makes YOU feel happy and YOU make her feel happy then that is a GOOD thing.
I have to say, I DID worry when my Dad first met his Lady Friend, because she was bankrupt and looking for a job/ place to live. But in the 6 month from their first meeting to their second meeting she had found a job and place to stay. I made an assumption that my Dad was OLD (and wise) enough to figure it out if she was a good person or not.
And I am grateful he has found someone, who shares some of the same passions as he does (travel, history, good food, wine, hiking and so forth.)
I wish you good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will make this final reply now as I am shortly off for the weekend. I thank once again everyone on this site who has been good enough and generous enough with their time to make the surprising number of replies that there have been. However, rightly or wrongly, I am starting to get the impression that these exchanges are now taking on a life of their own to no useful purpose. I believe that having lived for over sixty years now I am sufficiently worldly-wise to be capable of assessing any potential 'sugar-daddy' scenario (for the want of a better term for it) for myself. Nicky may well be looking for security for the future, that I accept. A cynical 'rinser' however I do not believe is what she is. If I had thought that at any time over the past six months I would have walked already. If I form that view at any time in the future I will walk away - rapidly - at that point! Sincerely 'thank you' to everyone, but I will take it myself from hereon.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2014):
 Off topic ? yes and not, OP, yes and not...
Let's throw around some Pop psychology 101 ... just for the heck of it... It won't be your case, perhaps, but we are just exploring possibilities, right ?, when all it's said and done we cannot KNOW why you feel guilty toward your deceased wife , we can only offer nuggets of food for thought...
So- powerful emotions, like, say, fear, anger, shame, or guilt are often uncomfortable to accept and to express. And very often we choose to substitute the emotion that is really tryng to emerge , and that is too painful / uncomfortable , with something similar but " lighter ".
Like, it's no secret, from a psychological point of view, that very apprehensive persons use their anxiety ( fear ) as a punishemnet for their suppressed aggressive impulses toward their loved ones ( anger ). One of those fearful , overprotective parents ..those who always go : don't run, be careful, you may catch a cold, you may hurt yourself etc. is often expressing fear in order to cancel embarassing ," sinful " negative thoughts about their offspring. If one is a laid back type , he/ she accepts that love is complex and multifaceted and can also contain the split second in which an overworked, exhausted parent thinks " I'd be better off if you had never been born " and similar. If not... fear is more acceptable on our own eyes, , and PC, than anger toward our loved ones.
Guilt and shame , too, are often interconnected, strictly related. They are first cousins. The difference is that guilt is feeling bad for having let down or failed other people, shame is about having let down ourselves, having failed ourselves. Guilt is often passing, and direct toward an exterior object . Shame is internalized and deeply connected to our sense of who we are.
So, whose is that disapproving,hurt look that you feel on yourself, really ? Your wife's , or your own ?... Are you sad because you feel things that would disappoint your wife and humiliate her, or , deep down... aren't they disappointinng and humiliating you, the sense that you have of yourself ?....
You are a mature, educated , intelligent man, I think it's impossible that in some corner of your mind isn't there a little voice which says : uh-oh . Maybe Nicky should not ask for substantial presents after few weeks of dating... maybe she should not make me play Santa for a bevvy of young relatives... maybe she should not show me off like " her rich homeowner boyfriend "... I think that some part of you feels how this is not appropriate, it does not have necessarily to mean bad stuff, but could very probably mean bad stuff; and you choose to overlook it, and to overlook any other personal or social lack of compatibility, because she is such an excellent sex provider, and the closest thing to arm trophy which you can get.
Now, another guy might shrug and say : so what if it's not about love , I am 62 and I want to let my hair down before it's too late. I want to have a last hooray, and, if it's a barter , it's a fair barter for both . My social position, financial security and generosity , against her younger age and hot body.
But maybe, having been married and monogamous all those years, and having lived a sexually / socially sheltered life,... you aren't so matter of fact yet, you have moral scruples, YOU judge yourself severely for having gotten yourself your prize with other means than JUST your charm and personality... maybe you aren't totally cool with it, you sort of feel uncomfortable... maybe you feel a little ashamed . And, since NOBODY wants to feel ashamed of himself, it's really a devastating sensation, voila' , ready substitution of shame with guilt, that's more manageable, and most of all, comes from something OUTSIDE ( your wife, what she could think ) rather than INSIDE ( yourself, and how deep down you " rate " yourself for having embarked in this relationship ).
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): Take heed to the warnings given by these smart women, my friend!
Asking you to buy a sofa is a huge red-flag. I trust you can afford it. Here in the U.S. we refer to older-men who spend a lot of money on younger women as "sugar-daddies."
Once you start that, people get spoiled, and that is going to be the relationship from that point on. The more details you reveal, the less confidence I have that you aren't being taken advantage of. I too am a mature man. I know how this starts, and how it ends. Beware of being too generous with money. People begin to expect it.
Keep the spending to a minimum, if you want her heart and not just a woman exploiting your generosity. The more you write in detail, the more concern you have raised.
I'm so sorry my dear sir, I believe you are being used.
Keep spending and you're just being a fool. Word to the wise.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2014):
 OH OP, your follow up just makes it worse and worse...
Yes you are "in love" but to be honest, NICKY (whether by design or bad manners or lack of knowledge of appropriate behavior) is behaving BADLY.
two months in is not the time to be buying expensive gifts for the person you are with much less ALL of their EXTENDED FAMILY... it's too much too soon.
Let me ask you a question in all honesty.... think about it and you don't have to talk to us if it will create pain for you... WHAT do you think will happen if the money pool dried up? WHAT would happen if the trips stopped, if the gifts stopped? If the purchases for her family (so VERY inappropriate) stopped? WHAT do you think would happen to your relationship with NICKY if all of a sudden you wanted to conserve funds or as most women these days do SHARE expenses.
What do you think would happen if Nicky asked for a lovely cruise or trip and you said NO we can't afford it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares and IAHTHY: I thank you sincerely for your inputs, but I think we are starting to get rather off the topic now! Regarding the matter of the settee, I had asked Nicky what she might like for Christmas expecting her to suggest an item of jewellery or similar. Her old settee was decidedly tatty, she mentioned that she'd seen a couple of new ones which she liked, and so I offered there and then to buy one of them for her Christmas. It cost me £325, I was very happy to buy it for her, it was delivered shortly before Christmas, and no we've not had sex on it yet - for a start being a two seat model it would be too short for comfort anyway ...! I did however get to enjoy the best Christmas day I've spent in years when I was invited to the family celebrations by her mother, which was the first time I got to meet the majority of her extended family (her daughter I had met previously). 'Not my sort of people' nor me theirs on the face of it, and despite taking a gift each for the seven under 18 year olds who were to be present - Nicky had gone shopping with me to select those - I was still seriously apprehensive about the day. I need not have been. The whole family were friendly and welcoming to a fault, and it proved to be a super day! I had to leave at the end of it - Nicky stayed on until the 27th I believe - but after taking my leave of everybody Nicky walked me out to the car, gave me a really big hug, and told me with some emotion just how pleased she was that the day had gone so well. Please be assured ladies, if I was being set up for 'rinsing' or whatever the current term is, I really do think I would have become aware of it by now! Once more, I thank everyone here who has been good enough to offer their advice and thoughts concerning my genuine concerns regarding (in particular) the physical side of my relationship with Nicky, and the correlating of that with the memory of my late wife. Thank you all!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2014):
Uh-oh . I have to agree with my very young yet very level headed colleague IAHTHY. You got together at Mid-September , and she ASKS for a new settee ( relatively expensive item, and that you can easily afford it does not matter, what matters is that it's not just some romantic symbolic little thought ) TWO months later... ? Indeed, Nicky does not sems the type who'll miss out on something for being shy in asking....
You are a mature gentleman, you know ( at least in theory ) what you've got to do and what you WANT to do . YOu say that you are going into this with your eyes open, so maybe caution warnings are presumptous from us . And then, one wants to say... make sure that the clear vision of your open eyes is not fogged up by the heady,oh-so-intoxicating fumes of life 's autumn lust....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, Many thanks for your further response. You are clearly an insightful gentleman. To answer your one point, no, Nicky has never asked me for money. I always pay when we go out together, and I always settle our hotel bills etc., but that is because it is my firm choice to do so - very 'English' of me I suppose! I have also bought her a few presents, but nothing greatly expensive (the biggest item - at her own request - was to pay for a new settee for her flat at Christmas!) and I have received a couple of little tokens back. But I will heed the advice you have very kindly given me, and I thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to do so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I didn't neglect to raise the possibility of being manipulated due to age and financial status in my first response.
I sense that there is a level playing-field here. There is always the presumption(and true possibility); the be-grieved widower with financial comfort, can get carried away and be vulnerable. Thereby open to exploitation. I don't think you're that naive. You are still human.
I do find some discomfort in the propensity to make comparisons between your wife of 32 years; and a younger woman, who is just simply more sexually-liberated.
I caution you to keep these observations in your head.
Verbalizing them will make you vulnerable to being set-up.
Giving you the time of your life; based on details of what you claim your marriage lacked before.
It will be more spontaneous and sincere; as long as you are not feeding her a script to play by. Meaning, you're not making a list of what you never got, and she is merely giving it to you. Hopefully, it is all from the heart.
Not saying you can't come up with ideas. She obviously aims to please.
She grew up in a different era, and is obviously more sexually-adventurous. These two women have totally different personalities; so the "novelty-factor" comes into play. You are finding this all new and refreshing. Just don't let the sex cloud your judgement. It often does when you feel you've been deprived for a long time. Keep things in good-perspective.
I think you know what you're doing. You mentioned nothing of splurging cash on this woman, or her asking for anything.
She playfully teases you, and likes to be facetious about the stereotypes commonly perceived about age and class differences. She seems to be very giving. She could have played you to get out of paying for your car-damage; but she has maintained a steadily-active and mutually fulfilling relationship with you.
Keep your eyes open.
Stop with the comparisons of the new and improved brand versus the old brand. Your wife had qualities that you married her for; although sex was not one of her most significant talents. Just view all you have in the present; and allow your memories to rest in peace. Careful not to idolize. Excessive-admiration tends to cloud the judgement and offset logic. You are an older-man who is now enjoying life again, after a significant loss.
There are rebound-emotions that amplify how good everything seems; when you've gone without for a long-time. I've been there and done that. That is something you must always be aware of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is something of a small update largely for the benefit of the anonymous lady who commented at some length upon my question earlier today (6/3/2014). First, thank you very much indeed for the time and considerable trouble you have taken in making your reply. You raise quite a number of points! Having never posted on a site of this kind ever before I was unsure yesterday of how much to write, or what to put in and what to leave out, so I will add a little more here in order to paint a slightly clearer picture hopefully.I am based in an English shire county, I am retired public sector, a mortgage free homeowner (a large house) etc., and I am fully financially secure although most certainly not 'rich'! Nicky works in production in a local food processing and manufacturing company, and currently lives alone in a one bedroom flat (private rented sector). So yes, I am a lot wealthier. Her extended family are mostly based in local authority housing in a neighboring county around 30 miles away. Nicky is a particularly good looking woman, always very smartly presented, and she did a small amount of modelling work around 25 years ago - catalogues, face modelling of cosmetics (especially) and at least one commissioned works calendar (in 1982). But she is most definitely not another Cindy Crawford!As to our meeting, I can assure you that it was a complete chance happening - an accident - and despite her carelessness being the one to cause it she was initially - like the rather feisty character that she is - quite prepared to have a stand up row about it - "You were parked too close!" there and then. I was certainly not looking for another relationship at all, I was just filling my car indeed, but contrary to my usual self I found myself asking her if she'd care to meet me for a drink in the middle of this tirade, and to my great amazement she went back to her car, wrote down her mobile number, and gave it to me. Which is how we started. (Her car, since I believe you asked this, is a 12 year old Nissan. Mine is also a Nissan, at that time just two months old. There was no actual damage caused.) And I've never been to a lap dancing club in my life!Now, to clarify, the major issue concerning my late wife (whose name was Susan): It has been guilt over the comparisons which I have made, and continue to make, between herself and Nicky - over which I feel that I am being very disloyal. For basics, Nicky is far better looking, younger, and a much more vivacious, lively, and out-going personality. She is also equally as intelligent and very sharp witted, albeit that she is educated to basic level only. But then if I were to say: "I should think I've had more sex with Nicky in the past six months than I had with Susan in 32 years," then metaphorically speaking that would be true, and probably before very much longer will be an arithmetical fact as well. In bed Nicky is experienced, certainly talented, but above all else very enthusiastic - to the point of ebullience. Comparably, my love life with Susan was at best pedestrian, but most of the time barely even that. I do not 'blame' either Susan or myself for that, it is just that my current love is so much in every which way better. Nicky is also a particularly nice (and very skillful) kisser for instance - as I discovered from the very first time that we did - but to even think that comparison favorably against the now deceased person you were married to and had a life and a son with and so on is surely being singularly disloyal to their memory? And if they could be watching you - just supposing - how might they really be feeling about it?You talk about naivety, and sexual power, manipulation and such. Perhaps, though be very assured that I am absolutely nobody's fool. Nicky has quipped more than once - including in front of her family and others - about her 'rich house owner boyfriend' but when I have asked her seriously as to what her take on the relationship really is she has said that she finds being involved with a man who is very different from any other she has previously known to be an interesting experience, she says she likes listening to what I have to say on things I am knowledgeable about (antiques for instance) and she has also told me that she considers me to be, "The nicest boyfriend I've ever had." Her mother, daughter, brother and sisters have all been friendlily welcoming of me into their lives too. Maybe I am being set up - maybe - but I have my eyes wide open! Very many thanks again for the comprehensive reply you left today in answer to my question. Greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I forgot to add that, in regard to your comments that your new girlfriend is better in bed than your wife ever was: it takes two. This is a concept that you don't seem to have thought through and it means that you are vulnerable to your new girlfriend's power over you. Really this is not a matter of one woman being better in bed than another. By describing it in these terms you have unwittingly attributed a huge amount of power to your new girlfriend, as if she is a far superior model of car or horse or so on. Your perspective inclines towards sexism, but I will treat it as if it originates purely from naivety.
If your wife was not very experienced then it is possible that she was not having the time of her life in bed with you either. One could argue that YOU had a duty to ensure that she was happy and fulfilled and to enhance your sex life, not merely wait for another more experienced woman to provide sexual pleasure for you. Sex is not just about technique and skill applied to one person by another, although this can play a large part in a sexual relationship.
The more that someone receives pleasure from a partner, the more that they will be inclined to give it. In your wife's case it sounds like she probably wasn't getting much of it because you didn't know how to give it. Now that you are with someone who seems far more experienced you are entranced and overwhelmed. But you are still not taking the lead psychologically in exploring what sex is beyond mere techniques. You may be being encouraged to do so in bed, by this woman, but you have not yet psychologically understood how to explore in YOUR own terms and in your own way. It does not seem to have occurred to you that you can still do so and that, with this new repertoire of experience, you would likely make a far better lover for another woman in future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2014): I hate to be a 'party pooper' but feel obliged to mention my thoughts.
I read your post yesterday and my first thought was, "oh, here's a gentleman that just needs reassurance about engaging in a new and sexual relationship". I felt sure that many others would give you the reassurance that you need. I then 'forgot' about your post.
However, I woke this morning and, whilst making my morning coffee, something flashed through my thoughts in regard to your post.
You say that you are 62 and your girlfriend is 45. This is a 17 year age difference. She's been married twice and, as you say, is 'working class' compared with you. I take this to mean, amongst other things, that you are and have been wealthier than she? Unless she gained wealth from her divorces? You also mention that she was a model - what kind of model exactly and what was her career path like? Does she work now in any capacity?
What seems important to you is that you met by chance; you seem proud of the fact that she reversed her car into yours, as if this fluke happening a. was destined and innocent b. relieves you of some of the nagging guilt that you have about the situation because it was 'innocent'. What I mean by the latter is that, had you been the kind of man who surreptitiously frequents lap-dancing bars and then fallen for a lap dancer, you may feel inner shame or guilt due to the context of your meeting and your instigating a meeting. As it was, the meeting seemed completely out of your control and you are blameless.
What I am going to suggest to you is not intended to upset you and I may be very wrong indeed. I hope so.
The 'guilt' that you have experienced may not be guilt. It may be a nagging doubt that something connected to your values and principles is not right. The 'guilt' may be your unconscious telling you that you are overriding your own values, that you are overlooking something.
You are, without doubt, a gentleman. What I mean by this is that you have demonstrated great politeness and generosity both in the way that you describe your girlfriend and in responding to those who have written in to advise you. You also sound, if I may say so, rather naive about sexual matters. I don't mean 'naive' in the sense of what to do technically - although this does seem to have been an issue - but naive in the sense of the power of sex to blind people to other, often very obvious facts that may be problematic.
You say that you are very proud to be seen with your girlfriend on your arm. This is understandable. It's a lovely feeling to be proud of a partner. However, there is a difference between healthy pride and ego and vanity. I am not sure that you have understood the importance of this difference. Ego and vanity can very easily be manipulated by people who know how to do this. Pride is something deeper and works best when expressed - and felt - humbly.
What kind of car were you driving when you pulled up to buy petrol? Are you sure that HER reversing into YOU was an accident? Models often have to be very good actresses in order to visually communicate an ideal to their viewers. Is it possible that she saw you, saw your car, knows her power over men and took aim, knowing that it would all seem very innocent? A woman of 45 twice divorced will know exactly how to manipulate a situation to her advantage. As soon as she has realised that you are sexually inexperienced she will have found your weakness. I believe that she is manipulating you.
You say that you have only mentioned to her once how you feel regarding your new sex life with her, and the very natural feelings of betrayal, of your wife, that have arisen. I am very sure that she would be understanding of this in order to manipulate you. And I am very sure that, unless you bring it up again, she won't. There is a difference between someone not mentioning something due to tact and diplomacy and care and someone remaining quiet in order to manipulate. Skilled manipulators operate very, very subtly to cast a 'caring' net over a man, often ensuring to boost his ego in order to make him feel 'more like a man' than before and to make him feel enabled and in control. This is a form of flattery and I have seen it operate in many different kinds of situations. The manipulator very subtly casts a 'net' of flattery over either a single person or an audience. This is the way to bring the target under their control. Once control has been established, the manipulation suddenly but very subtly begins - a small doubt is placed here, a little tiny contradiction placed there. This grows, until the target begins to undermine their own values and take on the values of the manipulator who gains more and more control over them.
Sexual manipulation is the oldest game of all. Professed 'innocence' can be a part of that game and all the more effective when mixed with a sense of 'sin', of new and risky frontiers being explored.
Please think through what I suggest. I am a 45 year old woman who originated from a working class background and have one daughter after a very early marriage. People often used to suggest to me that I become a model but I never did. Instead, although I inherited nothing and never will, I worked incredibly hard. I now have a PhD, own my own home - though small it is mine - and work as a University Lecturer. I have never wanted any man to look after me financially, although I know it was and probably still would be VERY easy for me to get this if I did want it. I know EXACTLY how some women think and exactly how skilled, and inwardly determined they can become at this stage in their life, to net a wealthy man who they can manipulate.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2014):
OH and one thing I forgot OP
while It bugged me my dad moved on so quickly at first, I have comforted myself with the sociological knowledge that happily married men are the ones that move on (and quicker) to new relationships NOT as a way of disrespecting the deceased spouse but rather it's a compliment to her and their relationship. IT seems that a man who loved his wife and lost her, wants to find that love again so he looks.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2014):
My mom passed away a few years ago, after 47 years with my dad. He found it VERY hard to not only be on his own, but the whole idea of dating. There was a rather persistent neighbor lady (who by the way was hitting on my dad while my mom was still alive, knowing my mom was sick.. yuck) She became relentless after mom mom died - I would say almost shamelessly. And I think my dad was at first flattered, but 1. it was too soon, and 2. she was a loon.
The first time she was invited over to my parents vacation home, she tried to not only redecorate the house, but rearrange the kitchen (which was ALWAYS my mother's domain). And I think my dad realized she wasn't someone he wanted to be with.
Quite by accident he met his now Lady Friend (she is 64, so I won't call her his Girl Friend) she was lost and asked for directions. My dad helped her out. 6 months later they ran into each other again by chance and he asked her out to dinner. They have been together ever since (2 years). And are planning to travel together come summer.
I'm HAPPY he found someone to be happy with. My mom would approve, I have no doubt, of his Lady friend, AND him not being alone out of a sense of honor.
If you feel like you owe your wife anything, be it that you OWE her to be happy again.
Just don't compare them. Don't compare the relationship/marriage. Your wife was one woman, Nicky is a whole other human being.
I think you know you deserve a second chance at happiness.
Enjoy the journey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's great, Sageoldguy1465! Many thanks! I am absolutely new this site having posted my question for the first time ever this afternoon. I am so glad that I did now, and thank you all!
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 March 2014):
 FORGET any "feelings of guilt".....
Your late-wife would probably be ecstatic to learn that - following her death - you are enjoying life as much as - even MORE than - you did when she was alive and with you.
You have my permission to have a great life (AND sex life) with your new-found lady....
Good luck....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your answer too, WiseOwlE. I would just say for the record, if I may, that although 100% heterosexual I have absolute respect for gay relationships too, be they of either gender. Thanks again for your interest in my dilemma, and for taking the time to respond to it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): My dear sir, I lost my partner of 28 years to cancer in 2006. For the first year after, I still felt like I was in a monogamous relationship; because I had to change my mindset.
While in an active relationship; you become disciplined. You learn to control flirting, you fight off advances from other people, and you make sure you stay within the respectful boundaries of being with someone you are committed to. Old habits are hard to break.
Once they are deceased; they will not be coming back. They are no longer living and being your partner. You are allowed to move on and live.
They wouldn't want us to be alone. I know my partner wouldn't. Yes, I let myself be lonely and emotionally isolated. Turning down dates and avoiding intimacy; because my subconscious made me feel like I was cheating. Like I was trying to replace by partner. That's not true at all.
You are alive. Your girlfriend is alive. You should have no shame in feeling for someone who cares for you in return. You can't hurt your departed wife's feelings. She is now in another place. You are allowed to live on.
Guilt is an emotion reserved for what you did wrong when she was alive; that's when it can affect her feelings. You can't hurt her now. You completed your vows of fidelity and devotion; when death did you part. Now you must continue to live; and have new relationships. Wedding vows do not require us to never love again; or not find anyone else when a partner has passed on, or divorced us.
Part of the guilt comes from enjoying what you have now, that your partner didn't offer. Different people make different impacts on our lives. It is not fair to compare someone with anyone else. They should be appreciated for who they are, and what they had to give. Period.
I stayed single for seven more years; because I wanted to learn to enjoy living independently again. To enjoy being with people; and not using loneliness as my motivation to have a relationship. I first had to return to being a whole independent person. It really didn't take that much time. It was really a fear of getting attached, and facing loss again. I had lost two sisters, and my little pug, following his death. So grief was still pretty fresh long thereafter.
I lost one sister in the 90's, before his death. I wished he could have been there to comfort me, when the other two died.
I wasn't truly being fair to myself. Although I dated a lot; I wouldn't allow things to get serious. I bailed out before anyone got too attached to me. Hopefully, I haven't broken hearts in the process. Three have remained close and loyal friends. They've helped me through crisis. I've been right there by their sides through tribulation.
I also admit, it was also because I waited until I met a person who made the right feelings arise in me; before I took the risk. It ended after 10 months. He wasn't looking forward to anything long-term. Just companionship and sex.
We went on great vacations and he loved spending his money; and having a good time. I was his favorite partner in crime. He just couldn't commit for the long-run. He had a dark-side he didn't want to reveal to me. I saw it by accident. I tried to overlook it. He said he didn't want to hurt me; and felt I deserved someone better. C'est la vie!
You have met that person, and shouldn't let anything get in the way of that. Guilt is inappropriate and misplaced. You are not cheating on anyone. You are defying grief. Grief will try to imprison you, if you'll allow it too.
Don't be ashamed of her age-difference, class, or public opinion. It's how you treat each other, and how much you care for her that matters. If she is reciprocating the affection and respects you, guilt is so totally out of place. It is intruding on your happiness.
Just look out for those who would take advantage; you being older and financially comfortable. I'm gay, so that is a major problem we older professionally-established gay gentlemen must face.
You were a loyal and loving husband. Life took away our partners. In your case, Fate has given you a chance to feel and share good things with a lovely woman. It is your reward.
Live and love again. You are not breaking any rules or hurting your departed wife. You are starting a new chapter in your life. Our partners loved us for a very long time.
Why wouldn't they want us to continue feeling loved and wanted?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo 'So Very Confused' - Thank you also for taking the trouble to reply to my question. Very much appreciated!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2014):
You are NOT cheating on your dear departed wife.
You have nothing to be guilty about or feel ashamed about.
If your wife loved you (and I'm sure she did) then she would not want you to sit down and die just because she is gone. She is probably very very happy you are being well taken care of by Nicky.
Let me tell you my parents story:
mom was 16 and dad 19 when they met on a blind date.
three years later they married.
life was pretty good... at 28 yrs out dad had that one midlife crisis bobble but mom managed to forgive him and move on...
sadly at age 58 my mother died. mere DAYS before her death (from cancer) she ORDERED my father to NOT be alone...to find someone to love again and remarry. He was 60 to her 58 and she was so afraid he would be alone.
She said "I want you to get married again" and he said "NO I'll never marry again" and mom crying said "but I don't want you to be alone" and dad (also crying) said "oh I wont' be alone, I'll date, I may even live with someone but I'll never get married again" That was 1995.
in early 1996 on a blind date he met the woman I currently refer to as my QSM (quasi stepmother) they live together, they love together. she is divorced. he a widow. their life is a mix of his kids and grown grandkids and her kids and her grandkids... THEY will never marry but they are happy and I know my mother is pleased that my father is not alone or lonely and that he has a woman that takes good care of him.
I am betting your wife would have wanted the same for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks indeed for your reply, C. Grant. I think I just needed someone to tell me so! God bless you Sir!
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 I’m so sorry for your loss. What a profound change you’ve had to come to terms with. How marvelous you’ve found someone with whom to carry on the journey!
If your marriage vows were like mine, you committed until “death do you part.” Sadly it has done so. It is right and appropriate to honour your 32 years together, to cherish her memory. But you did not promise to emulate Queen Victoria and go into mourning for the rest of your life. Surely your wife would rather see you experiencing joy, having new adventures, and savouring every day? If you were together for 32 years you surely had more holding you together than sex. You built your lives together, laughed and cried together, raised your son together. Becoming an abstinent monk no more honours her than enjoying a healthy relationship with someone new disrespects her memory.
Life is too short to be held back by imagined duty and obligation. You are entirely at liberty to enjoy Nicky’s company and attentions.
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