A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 year old guy and seem to be terminally single. I've never so much as held hands or even kissed a girl let alone anything beyond that. I just don't get it. I hear from others that I'm a good looking guy. I stay fit, have a good sense of humor and get along with most anybody. Honestly I don't know what to believe anymore. If I'm such a great guy then why hasn't anyone ever been interested in me?I'm now at the point in life where it seems all my friends are getting married and talking about starting families of their own. At first it was just people that I knew but didn't really hang out with on a regular basis. Then it was my two closest friends. I'm happy that they've all found someone, but being around them and their significant others is just a reminder of what I'm missing out on. Over time I've seen less and less of them. I feel left behind. Like I've failed in this area of my life.Everyone says that you need to be happy with yourself before you go looking for someone else. That I should be happy being single because I could be dating anyone I want. I at least used to be content with my single status, but I'm not anymore. I'm finding it hard to keep pretending that I'm happy being alone. How am I supposed to be happy that I'm single and could be dating anyone I want when I can't even find anyone to date? All the girls I've met up until now were either already taken or not interested in anything more than just being friends. Where I'm at now, my opportunities to meet girls are few and far between.I feel like I'm against a wall, like I've hit bottom. I try to stay busy with other things to keep myself distracted, but my mind always wanders back to thinking about this. Every time I get my hopes up that things will change for the better nothing happens and I feel even worse than before. I'm lost. This is really starting to make me feel unwanted and depressed.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
you could get involved with charity work or volunteer organizations, join a health club or sports team...sign up to take classes (not necessarily formal college classes but for example exercise classes that only meet for a few weeks, or an art class..). ..get involved in your community. Your local paper is a good resource for things like this. There must be something that suits your interest so it doesn't feel fake or a waste of time to do it. And if nothing catches your interest, just try something new anyway with the goal of broadening your horizons and maybe you'll develop new interests along the way in addition to meeting people.
(I personally don't think bars are a 'good' way to find a relationship either, because you don't necessarily see people in their authentic selves in those situations)
Also don't be afraid to use dating services (or if you are, consider it as a back up plan if you must but it could provide some relief to have a plan to fall back on). I have friends who met their current long-term partners and spouses that way. And even for those who ended up not marrying people they met through dating services, the experience was still useful for them. bear in mind that in generations past, people often got married through their parents or older relatives matchmaking them. So using a modern dating service is not so different from centuries-old traditional ways of meeting prospective partners.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): "People say to wait and it will come when you least expect it"
I personally think this is silly advice. I mean, it's nice in a fairy-tale kind of way and I don't doubt that this is how many people ended up meeting their partners because there's lots of ways to meet people. certainly it was how for me because each time I was in a long term relationship I had initially met the guy when I wasn't looking for someone or intending to look for a relationship, it just happened accidentally.
But it may just as well never happen, you can't count on things happening by chance. If I had wanted a relationship at the time, I would have been more active in seeking one. It was because I truly didn't want one, that I didn't. I merely got lucky but if I hadn't got lucky it wouldn't have mattered crap to me cos I wasn't wanting it in the first place. But for someone who does desire to have a relationship, you can't suddenly make yourself not want something that you right now do want. that's the difference.
I think the advice to somehow make yourself stop wanting a relationship because then some cosmic rule will give you one, is a load of tosh. I say, if you know you want something, then stop being passive and leaving it to fate - be active and go out and do whatever is in your power to make it happen and not leave it up to cosmic chance. You didn't get your job, career, education by leaving it up to chance, did you? of course not - you pursued it.
there's a saying - we make our own luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. To be honest I don't see myself ever being truly "happy" being single. If only I could go back to just feeling content about it though.
I really don't think that if my friends were to be breaking up their relationships and getting divorced that it would really make a difference in the way I feel about this. This isn't about keeping up with everyone else for me. Sure, I'd feel less awkward being around my coupled friends, but that's beside the point. I want a relationship for me, not to keep up with anyone else. I want to experience that special kind of closeness that is a romantic relationship. The kind of relationship you can't get from friends and family.
The only jealousy I feel towards my friends is that it seems to come so easily for them. They're naturals at this sort of thing while I'm ...not. I understand that it's still normal to still be single and/or unmarried at my age. But to be completely inexperienced with girls at 25... Let's face it, isn't so normal. I should have at least some sort of experience by now. I'm starting from zero here.
Like I said in my original post, my opportunities for meeting new people are few and far between right now. I wish I could think of a place to meet new people with the prospect of also meeting girls in the process. To be honest I really don't know where to go to meet people my age. I might feel a little better about my situation if I were able to start meeting new people more often. Any ideas? I live in a smaller town so there aren't any clubs and the few bars that are around here are frequented by older people. Truthfully I don't think that bars and clubs are the best places to be looking anyway. The only college that's around here is a community college, so it's not like a larger university where people live and hang around the area.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
"Everyone says that you need to be happy with yourself before you go looking for someone else."
This is good advice (even though it's hard to do) because it's practical and is ultimately in your best interest. if you're feeling very insecure about being single, you are vulnerable to hastily entering a bad or even harmful relationship if it's the first one that comes along (or staying in one) just because you're tired or sick of being alone. It could make you vulnerable to toxic people. This may seem like the least of your concerns right now, but it could really be disastrous as in much much worse than being single. or it could lead you to approach friendships with the opposite sex in a tortuous way and ruin friendships or potential relationships.
I think the key is not that you have to be "happy" about being single. What it means is, to calm the desperation in your mind about needing to find a relationship, to not have your sense of self worth dependent on being in a relationship. You don't have to be "happy" about being single to be emotionally healthy, but you should try as much as you can to work towards not feeling completely miserable or desperate about it either, otherwise you would be vulnerable to getting into a bad relationship.
ask yourself this: if let's say all your friends were still single, or if they were breaking up their relationships or getting divorced now. Would you still be feeling the way you are now about your single-status? Is it only because your friends are married that you're very bothered about being single? If so, then this is more of a self-esteem issue, it's not so much about greatly desiring love and companionship but more of a "keeping up with the joneses" thing and comparing yourself to others and feeling that you're lacking. That's a completely different internal problem to be dealing with. If you're OK with not having a romantic relationship (leading to marriage) if it weren't for the fact that everyone else around you is, then that's very different.
You may think that even if this is the case, that it will be taken care of by finding a relationship. It may, temporarily, and if all the stars are aligned so that the relationship you find is a good one for you. But it could just as easily lead to a bad outcome that will make you feel even worse than you do right now.
that said, how about trying dating sites, or just in general trying to meet a lot of new people by taking on activities that allow you to meet people your age (who may or may not be single but the more people you meet the greater the likelihood you'll meet other single people)? The more people you come into contact with, the greater the chance - statistically - that you will find someone you may click with. even if you feel that your friends or other people your age are married, there are also many who are not, or who are getting divorced or ending long-term relationships.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): I have never posted on anyone's question before but i feel i can really relate to yours.
I feel like a female version to you, although a little younger at nearly 22. I am always being told that im still young, ive got the rest of my life to live (which is very true) but somehow i feel like im wasting it, or at least missing out compared to others. Most of my friends have boyfriends or girlfriends and even a friend who is a few years older is getting married with a baby on the way. While i am, like you, happy that they have found someone, i feel like and third wheel, especially in social situations. I know they dont think any less of me but i sometimes feel that sometimes they may pity me in a way, or at least feel a little sorry for me that i havent found someone i am happy with like them. I try to put on a brave face, and sometimes i even feel brave that someday it will still happen, but its most times harder than others.
I have only kissed one guy, and it was only at a night club, i have never held hands with a guy let alone have sex. I want to but sometimes i think the more i want it to happen the less likely it will, know what i mean?
I think i'm a pretty likeable person and i know im not butt ugly. But to be honest im beginning to wonder how much it all equates to when you look at some people who are paired off, people who you would have thought would be the last to do so because they are either very shy, or dont really look after themselves that well or are just not that nice, ( i dont want to sound mean but some people you meet who are actually quite rude can end up going out with a really nice person. It really makes you wonder why??!!!)
People say to wait and it will come when you least expect it but i feel like a sitting duck and that if i wasn't consciously looking then i'm gonna miss out. Miss out on what, i dont no as nothing has actually happened yet!
Like you i have been told that i have to love myself before someone else can. But im finding that more and more difficult when i am being rejected by so many guys. They all only want thing and while i want it to, i want it to mean more just than a roll in the sack.
The situation is disheartening and, like you, it really gets me down at times. I try to get on with my studies and be confident with being independent but it would be nice to have someone.
They say that if you want something bad enough you will get it... but in this case i dont think so. The more i want it the less likely it seems to want to happen, (i dont act desperate though!)
Anyway!! I'm sorry this has been an awful long rant about my own feelings.
I suppose i just really wanted to say to you that you are not alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Have you tried dating sites? There are millions of people in the world, sometimes limiting yourself to one area doesn't bring about the results you might be looking for.
Even so, don't be discouraged if you haven't made a love connection at your age. I firmly believe there's someone in the world for everyone, you just gotta find her.
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