A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not really sure what to say. I am really struggling with life at the moment, I guess. I kind of feel as though I am ruled by my emotions. There are things I want to do and that I am working towards, like my degree. But some days I just can't seem to motivate myself. Like when I feel down, as I do now, I just can't seem to bring myself out of this feeling of depression. It's a pretty horrible feeling. I love life, I love the people around me and I want to do my best and get the best out of life. But I know I could do more, but some days I just can't get going. I can't get up early and I find myself just wasting time. Like today I didn't get up until 2pm. I was really tired last night at midnight, so I went to bed, but I sat up playing a game on my phone, for no reason, until 3am, and so when I woke up I was really tired and slept in to a ridiculous time. And now I am just wasting time worrying about myself, when I have so much work to do for Uni :( But it just seems that, when I'm feeling this way, I can't focus to get anything done. But I know that to feel better about myself and my situation I need to take control and do something about it! I feel like I am abnormal and and inadequate human being. I feel as though everyone around me is really smart and caring and fun and I just feel like a recluse. Even when I go out I feel so anti social sometimes. I just don't know what to say to people and I'm afraid to speak in some situations. I've always been shy. I recently think I may have some form of social anxiety. i watched a program on selective mutism where these kids wouldn't talk to certain people. I totally resonated with them. It is like a fear, an unconscious fear that stops you from talking to people sometimes. It seems daft or rude to people who don't understand, but it's not personal, and its not that you choose not to involve yourself and speak to people. Inside you want to get involved, but something in your subconscious holds you back. It's so horrible. I feel disconnected and isolated from life even. It sometimes seems unreal to me and I live more in my thoughts than I do in reality. I know I not completely incapable of being a decent human being. I've got this far at Uni. I do have some great friends. But even so, I don't see them very often. You know how some people have people around them all the time and they are constantly talking to someone? I'm not like that. I'm on my own a lot. And I won't lie, I prefer it that way, but at the same time it's lonely and I don't want to be this way. I don't feel it's healthy. The thing is, its a catch 22. I can't go out much to socialise at the moment because I have 2 months left of Uni and I really need to be working as hard as I can, but I'm just in so much of a funk that I'm not getting much done. I just wish I had more self control. I don't know how you learn that stuff. When I'm feeling ok, I look at my life entirely differently and I feel in control, but even hours later I'm back to feeling helpless and sorry for myself and I can't seem to shake it off. I just rely on bad habits to cheer myself up like eating too much chocolate and watching rubbish TV. And that's not getting me anywhere. And I keep worrying about my boyfriend. I feel unhappy with our relationship and it keeps playing on my mind. Sometimes I just want to end it with him, just so I can stop thinking about things that have hurt me and made me angry. But that's not fair to him and we cant really do much about our relationship right now as he lives back home and I'm at Uni. It just feels like there is so much we need to work through to get over our issues but we can't because it's on hold right now effectively. Plus he is so hard to talk to. He gets so angry and defensive and just lectures me about his side of things. I feel he takes me for granted and treats me badly but I don't know what to do about it. If I wrote him a letter I don't know how he'd react. And I can't really talk to him on the phone about it because we're distant and things aren't exactly going to change right now anyway. I really wish I could just forget about him for the next 3 months, but he's my closest friend and we talk every day. I know I'd miss him terribly and I probably wouldn't be able to cope if I did end things. Plus I know we do have a good connection, despite how bad things have been for the past couple of years. There have been good times too. I know he is a good guy at heart. I just wish he'd think about me more and I wish he'd show me he wanted and desired me, because I don't feel he does. I feel so unattractive and worthless because he has a low sex drive and rarely initiates anything sexual. I feel bad for saying it, but I am so unsatisfied with our sex life. It just feels like a problem that he has swept under the carpet and the more I try to improve things by talking about it or trying to initiate sex the worse it gets. The last 2 times we had sex, it was pretty much wam, bam thank you mam, he didn't touch me down there at all. Then when he came to visit me for 2 days(the first time hes ever visited me at uni) I tried to initiate something but it went so badly. He was worrying about my flatmate hearing, I said we could be really quiet and go slowly but he seemed really disinterested. I asked him if he felt as though I treated him like a piece of meat, because I felt as though I was forcing him into doing something he didn't want to, but it would be our only opportunity to be intimate for the next 6 weeks, so I felt it was really important to seize the opportunity. But I just felt really dirty, like I was forcing him into it. So I asked him that, because he had once said that he feels I treat him like a piece of meat, when I touch him on the bum, or crotch(to me it is just flirting with my partner), and he replied saying that he was only joking when he said that, I replied saying that it was mean to say that then. He just blew up! Looking back I can see I didn't communicate my feelings well enough. But he got so angry and told me that I'd ruined the mood as he was starting to get into it(the sexual activity). I was so hurt and just started crying for ages. I really couldn't make sense of my feelings at the time. I still don't really know what happened, but I felt so dirty and selfish for trying to get him to touch me, but at the same time, I always give him the sex he likes and attention so why won't he give me the same? I felt so dirty and cheap and sad when that happened. I'm still upset. But he was fine the next day. He made a joke in the pub then next day about it. He said we started having sex then had an argument and didn't have sex. I feel he just trivialises the whole issue but for me its really hurt my self esteem. I feel insecure about myself as a sexual person. I feel I must turn men off and do all the wrong things. I know he has an issue. I think I have a pretty healthy attitude to sex. I'm not a maniac. I only want to have sex maybe every other day and feel it is important as we only see each other every few weeks or months. But he just has such a lazy attitude towards it. We've gone a fortnight without it before, when we would only be together for 2 months. It just feels like wasted time that we could be connecting, but he just doesn't care. He says he'd be happy to never have sex again and he'd rather play computer games than spend time with me. Gah I'm sorry this message is sooooo long! Do you see what I mean? I have all of this going around in my mind, and it's doing my head in. I can't focus on school work and it's bringing me down. If he was a horrible person and if I didnt love him it would be so easy to just walk away and find someone else. But we've been together for 3 years and I really, really felt he was the one. I'm a very loyal person and I don't want to leave unless I know for sure it's over. But it's not and I do love him. I am just looking so negatively at things at the moment. I dont know if I'm being over dramatic and making abig deal of something because I'm immature, or if this is a big issue that needs to be sorted. And if it is, I don't know how to go about it without getting his back up. So anyway. I'll end this email here or I'll be writing all day. i have spoken to friends about this as well and they've been really supportive of me. But ultimately the issue doesn't go away and the hurt I've felt is still in me and keeps popping up when I'm feeling down. I don't know what to do :(Thanks for reading :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, desperado007  +, writes (1 May 2011):
wow...if I didn't know any better, I would have thought these were my very own words. I can't tell you how closely our situations resemble each other...I have been struggling with the same symptoms and issues from the lack of motivation to relationship problems (my husband doesn't like to have sex either). I recently started taking Adderall which has helped my motivation tremendously but also has other counterproductive side effects such as causing anxiety- which I didn't need to have to deal with since I already suffer from that...I am beginning to wonder if my problems are my relationship rather than other issues. I have decided that I have going to go to counseling to get a professional opinion. I also noticed that I started getting more severe anxiety when I quit my career to go back to the University full time.I use to be a very outgoing,self confident, witty,vibrant,charming woman...now...I am more withdrawn,lack motivation, I have become uninterested in just about everything...I'm sick of feeling this way too. I can totally understand how you feel...but you are so young and like the other responder said...you are getting your college education and have your whole life ahead of you. I agree that diet and health play a big part of your emotional state but sometimes thats not enough, as I am pretty healthy...in very good physical shape- I work out daily- but I have to force myself to do so lately...only because I know that if I dont' keep myself in tip top shape - that will only further my anxiety and give me something else to worry about.I feel too feel very disconnected ...as if I am "faking" my way through life and all relationships...with friends and husband. Hang in there...can you seek counseling or therapy? That's what I'm going with for starters. I don't have much advice but just wanted you to know...you are not alone...there are people out there that are experiencing the same feelings!
A
female
reader, monacons  +, writes (13 March 2011):
Can i just start off by saying i know what your going threw, I suffer from savior anxiety (social) and deppression i have been batling it for a long time and i know how alone you ar feeling at the moment but please take my advice i kept hiding all my feeling from family and friends for months until i could not bottle tings up anymore and had to see a concillor and be put on anti deppressents, im also a uni student and i am losing intrest and i dont want to as i only have 2 months left, i was in a relationship for 4 years and it all went wrong as he cheated and got another girl pregnant which is leaving me heart brokin and i DONT want to fall back into my hole thing of bottling tings up as it really dose not help, maybe the relationship is worrying you and from what you say i have went threw it all and wish i had walk away ages back, you have to think that if your relationship is really getting you that down you should walk it may seem hard now but in the long run hopefully you will look back and say i done the right thing, I hope this will help you as i really know how you ar feeling im feeeling the same way do things to make your self feel better x
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A
male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 The first thing you need to do is, see your doctor for a complete physical and emotional assessment.
What your describing sounds like clinical depression.
Believe me, I know all about it.(been there, done that)
Quite often, depression can be nothing more than an imbalance in brain chemistry. If this is the case, it can be safely and easily treated with properly regulated medication.
You might also want to seek out weekly counselling so you can talk of your problems in a confidential and none judgemental environment.
Speaking to friends is great, but none of them is equipped to help you in any meaningful way. You also run the risk of inadvertently telling them something you might not want known. The only other problem with talking to your friends about your depression is, friends tend to get overwhelmed pretty fast. They may even begin to avoid you. Stick with the professionals, they're bound by law to never disclose anything to anyone without your permission.
So please, make an appointment with your doctor as soon as you can. (you have no excuse not to)
I wish good luck and a happier future.
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