A
female
age
41-50,
*ncb
writes:Lately I've felt supremely needy, I can't get enough of my boyfriend, I want to be with him and held all the time. Recently he bought his own house and no longer lives with his parents. Before we spent a lot of time at my house, frequently he would spend the night. Now that he has his own house (which is 30 mins away from mine) it seems like I am always having to go to him if I want to spend time together. Also with that, he has moved his dog to his house whom he loves dearly...I feel so pathetic that I am getting jealous that his dog is getting more attention than me and when I ask if he is ever going to spend the night at my house anymore he says yes....but when I question what he would do with his dog he says I don't know I can't leave her alone (I rent and can't have pets in my house)...so basically I will always have to go to him from now on. I want him to come to me, I want to feel that I am wanted, that I am the most important thing in his life, that I am needed. He doesn't express his feelings very well so after the first couple dates (we've been together over a year now) I stopped getting the frequent compliments...I can't remember when the last time was that he told me I'm beautiful. Not that I don't think he does but I need to hear it, especially when I go out of my way to look really nice. I want to feel that he is proud to have me as his girlfriend. Also we used to have sex a lot, but lately it seems like it's once every couple months....He confided in me that he cheated on past girlfriends because he missed his promiscous life of one night stands, late night drinking with the boys and chasing women......I don't believe he would cheat on me but there's a little voice is my head that is making me paranoid. I also didn't think he looked at porn as much as I accidentally found out he does....so my beliefs can be wrong......I worry that I'm not sexually experienced enough for him or even good in bed and that he will look elsewhere....How can he go from many women to only one?I don't know what is making me feel this way...Before him I had been single for two years because the previous relationship was 4 years and serious talk of marriage....So I took two years to become completely independent and selfish...I liked not feeling pathetic when I'm not getting the attention I want. I thought I had overcome this feeling with my two year break but I am feeling it and wonder what happended to the woman that was ok with time apart?I know that's a lot of rambling...there are so many things on my mind of this depth that I've probably left stuff out...but that's the gist of it....Any advise or opinions to put me at ease with all of the above concerns would be appreciated so much.
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (8 January 2008):
 I am older, & I have had about 12 serious relationships in the past. Each one, I loved a lot. I have had situations like this one too. It wasn't FUN.
Talk with him, ask him if he is happy with you.
I understand him, that he doesn't want to leave his dog alone, his dog is his kid. Ask him over to your place for dinner, then tell him that you can go to his house. It doesn't matter whose house you are at... as long as you are together.
He is at an age where his hormones are wild, so of course he will be looking at porno. I don't approve of it either. But that is the way most young guys are.
To ease your mind about whether or not he is cheating...SNOOP! (I know it sounds evil...ha ha) And if he is cheating, then you are young enough to find someone else. This probably isn't your first boyfriend, and it probably won't be your Last.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): It's normal that you feel kind of lonely now that he is not with you a lot like you used to. The fact that he has a new house is a big deal and you should understand he needs to enjoy this. I'm sure he has dreamed about this for a long time.
I don't know about him cheating on you. He might have cheated or might have not. Obviously the fact that he confided to you about he being unfaithful to other girlfriends before because of his 'need' for one night stands and to hang out with the guys is a very selfish/inmature way of thinking and a is a big red flag. But from what you have said there's little information for me to get to the conclusion he has been unfaithful to you too.
I totally understand your need for him to be all over you because I'm like that. In fact I'm also trying to stay alone (like that's difficult LOL) because I too get too involved with boyfriends. I have concluded I get addicted to my partners because I'm Codependent. I think you might be too. You get clingy to your boyfriends because you are a controlling person most likely raised by controlling parents or in an environment were you felt controlled, and maybe abandoned. When you are a codependent person. You need o address this issue in order to become independent in relationships.
Neediness is a hallmark of a codependent relationship. One person's happiness depends on having the other person right there - right now. I can't explain there's plenty info. on the net. Don't get confused if you find information about alcoholics because this syndrome was firstly diagnosed to partners and family members of an alcoholic but you don't have to have an alcoholic family member to be codependent.
Codependent people are more aware of others' needs than their own. Notice how a year has pass by and you have not told this man the way you feel about him not being more communicative about your looks, but you sure gave him the lots of sex he apparently needed because of his active style. You rtied to meet his needs even when he wasn't meeting yours. Now you are terribly afraid he might leave you because it seems like he doesn't need you anymore.
So what if you cannot fulfil his needs? Are his needs more important than yours? Were you born to please him and forget about who you are as a woman? Girl if you cannot fulfill his capricious needs then it's his loss and you need to find a real man who knows how to treat a lady and values you.
I exhort you to re-read your question and and try to look for your self esteem there. Where is it? And do not try to mask it as 'love'. You need to learn how to love yourself first for you to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man who values who you are. Not with an idiot who expects you to fulsiil only his needs, sick addictions and childish behavior.
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A
female
reader, Lorna..  +, writes (7 January 2008):
i think you need to really sit your boyfriend down and speak to him firmly so he can get the message that you are not happy. does it really matter whos house your at..? i mean if your seeing each other shouldnt that be enough..? but also he should take time out and spend time at yours. i think that because it is a new house he wants to be in it a lot and kinda show it off. like if you get a new toy when you are a child you never put it down. its like that. its a new thing in his life and a big change for him. i think the best thing for you to do in this situation is to talk to him and just explain how you are feeling about the realtioonship. good luck sweetie..x
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