A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is pretty awkward to talk about here but when you need advice, you need advice. I CAN'T get intimate with people, im talking friends, family, potential spouses, everybody. It has a huge toll on my life. For some reason I can't give myself to people very easily and when i muster up the courage to push myself to do it I only end up regretting it. The main problem is that i just entered my very first.....friends with benefits? (gay) ever in life and I don't know what to tell him vs what to not tell him. But the real problem is my penis size. He's 34 and im 27 but I act more mature. The problem is he's very big boned and hung like a horse but I'm....small...plus....I have erectile issues which I think stem from my intimacy issues. I'm like a 14 year old thrown into a late 20's relationship. I'm so messed up and inexperienced I have no idea how to present myself. I act tougher around him than i really am i guess. When he tries to touch my privates i always shy away or prevent him from touching there but touching him and doing everything else is manageable. The touching can me hard for me to manage sometimes but i just put on a brave face. During sex I virtually never orgasm (bottom) and if he offers to give me oral I just reject the idea because his month and hands are the size of plates So to recap. I'm insecure because i have intimacy issues, involved in my first ever relationship, have erectile problems and have a small penis. If that's not something to ask advice on how to deal with I don't know what is. Please give me steps to deal with this. The thought of even sitting down and talking about it with him gives me nightmares. It's too many things at once. I don't want to loose him. I can''t keep him away from my privates forever. Please help me!! PS. Doctors/Therapists are mad expensive.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I'm not sure if friends with benefits is the right fit for you at this moment. Like on some level it must sound right, hey I have intimacy issues and trouble speaking about emotions, I should be in something where that's not expected. Except, I think if you were in something where you could build trust, and feel the person's respect and non-judgment, you may feel safer and likely to be more empowered to open up. It's possible, that in that safe environment, that you also may reduce some sex troubles and/or anxieties surrounding them. I think because the whole male relationships thing is new for you, you may benefit from reaching out to the LGBTQ community or local chapter or advocacy group or some kind of sex-positive forum/community. There are many opportunities for connection.
Has it been hard for you to reach out to others and build relationships because it has been difficult to come to terms with your sexuality? Or, what has made it difficult? You seem not sure of what has caused this block in yourself. What have you regretted about reaching out to others? Why have you been disappointed in others/yourself when you have reached out?
This may sound so cliche and obvious, but you can ALWAYS create positive thoughts for yourself. No matter what is happening, nothing, and no one, can take that power away from you. Think about this: how do your thoughts serve you? How do you benefit from pushing away your lover's advances? Do you think you're not good enough to be aroused or to also be sexually satisfied? So you have the option of thinking you might not be good enough for your partner, that you might be too small, etc., and you have the option of thinking he's with you for SOME reason, that he seems something in you..why not just accept the latter? People don't offer their hands and mouths because they DON'T want to. They do it to give someone pleasure, they do it to connect, etc. Take the gift. Try to open yourself up to the unknown or the uncomfortable.
BUT! If it's too much for you, at certain times, then I think my final thought of the moment on this one is, I would see if you could take it slow with this guy. Yes, you two are already sexually active. But..does he know this is new for you? It may help him to know that. It is not something to be ashamed of, and it's not something that a person is going to hold a grudge against you on. Hopefully he can be sensitive to that. Maybe you two can even make it a game, where he has to ask permission on everything he does, or vice versa, where you try to challenge yourself and tell him/ask him what YOU want. Whatever happens with this guy, consider it an experiment, and one where you tried new things in an effort to grow. I think looking at life that way where every interaction is a social experiment makes it not so scary, and actually both takes pressure of success/failure out of the equation.
A
female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (18 September 2016):
First, you're not weird or strange or anything. In the U.S. boys and men are raised to ignore all emotions except anger and just shut them off. It's really unhealthy and causes a lot of problems. I suggest working on feeling the whole range of emotions, identifying them in yourself and seeing how they feel, and then learning how to talk to other people about them. You'll probably have an easier time doing this with women, since women are actually taught how to do this. Try to seek out female relatives or friends that you could practice talking about emotions with.Once you're practiced with that, try having these conversations with the men you date. That will be harder, since they will have also been taught not to feel or express emotions, but if you can manage to do it, it should be worth the effort.I'm not sure why having a small penis is an issue if you're a bottom. But I'm not a man so I can't help much with that or erectile problems.
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