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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have a social problem. I'm very interested in music but have never got myself very involved in any exra-curricular activities in school. Now I've started college, and I HAVE to do two choirs, I have no choice, as I've taken music at A level. When I was at school I did music GCSE but it was a 2 year course as opposed to the 1 year course that most people did, there were only 2 people on the course that I did. But now I'm at college I've suddenly thrown myself into this new social situation, where everybody is incredibly competitive and confident, and I'm not that sort of person at all. I don't fit in, I know I could fit in but it's almost like I don't want to. These people intimidate me and I deliberately shut myself off from them, telling myself that they're not my sort of people. I feel as though they're all so much better than me, particularly the singers (I'm a singer), who all seemed to have already known eachother from various musical events. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (9 December 2006):
 I can identify a lot with what you describe, and I am in my 50's. I think it is good that we are not all like sheep following the same shepherd (not mant to sound religious!). Since I was your age I could never feel in with a crowd as all they did and still do seem to talk about is getting drunk. What I can pass on to you though is my experience and I do regret not acting out a persona to fit in better. Some would say it is hypocritical and that would have bothered me at one time, but now I regret not being more selfish and less concerned about what others think so I just went through life being a bit if a loner, seen as odd and a bit eccentric. There is no harm in being different and I am proud of it BUT others are not always so accepting of diversity, even well educated and so-called professionals. You know they are not 'better' than you but they will see your distance as you thinking you are better than them!
I think you need to meet these people half-way. Be a little more like 'their sort of people', let them get to know you, and your individuality will then be more acceptable as friends give and take of each others good and bad points. We all need friends and we cannot always have what we want on our own terms. I am sorry I have taken so long to learn it, but alas it has taken aging a little to get the confidence to change. Perhaps you will be the friend of someone who appears incredibly confident and competative and you will see their tears of despair as they trust you with their own insecurities.
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