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anonymous
writes:I am 52 yrs.old and have two college-aged boys (20 and 22 years old). They've come home for the summer to live with me and work and both of their gilfriends have been hanging out with them at my house. This is fine, but then the g/f's have started spending the night with them in their rooms (seperate rooms of course) and it just feels weird to me as a parent. I know we are all basically adults here, they are not little boys anymore and my oldest son has been living with his g/f in a small apartment while attending college this past semister. But I feel like as a parent, I should tell them I'm uncomfortable with the current living arrangements and ask that their g/f's not spend the night with them but I really don't feel like I have the right to say anything because my g/f is living with me at the house so I am not exactly setting a great example. But again, they are not small, impressionable children they are grown boys. I guess there's a bit of old-fashioned father inside of me, even though I don't always apply it to my own life. So should I just "look the other way" this summer and let their g/f's basically live with them(us) like one big happy family even though it feels weird?... Reply to this Question
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reader, Cateyes  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 Even though I am not a parent, I have several neices and nephews all high school, college and older. As an aunt, I have played the role of "Mom" several times because I have been down the road of hard knocks and can relate more to many of the things they have experienced or are/have gone through versus my sister or brothers. Mind you I am almost 41 yrs old. If the young ladies are staying because it's far for them to drive, I can understand. I can also understand because they want to spend as much time with them versus on the phone, it's just not the same. BUT....I grew up very old fashioned, my parents were my age when they had me...so you can imagine! The thing is, I guess I am surprised the girls just stay there and never asked or even your sons never asked you first to see if it's ok. My "kids" would never have someone over here or at their parents house because they know it's just not right. (mind you my sister and her boyfriend have been living together for 10yrs) They totally respect their parents, and IF they were to ask something like that...and they have and only few times, it was only because of an early trip they were going on, and to much to drink, not just to have a sleep over. I am not saying your kids don't respect you, however I am saying that maybe you have never expressed to them about "ground" rules and how things should be. I'm not sure how much longer they will keep coming back, but because you don't feel good about it, and I don't blame you, you should talk to them about how it makes you feel and why. They should understand and respect you for that. Most kids today just feel as if the parents just need to get with the program of today and deal with it...WRONG!!! If they question about you living with your girlfriend, well, wrong or right, it is your roof and your rules...and they should abide by them.
I am happy there are still parents out there that do feel this way....hope all goes well! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): this might be weird from a different perspective- but my parents have allowed my sister to have her boyfriends spend the night ever since she was 14 and its not a big deal it seems- she is 20 now, but perhaps it is different having the girls over at the boys house.. I know as a girl I used to feel weird going over to spend the night at my old boyfriends house ( I was 19) even though we didnt do anything.. it still felt like the parents were vultures... I would try to induce some sort of guilt in the girls- that is the most likely way they will not routinely spend the night- usually the reason they spend the night is that they are hanging out with your boys and are too tired late at night to go to their own home/ want to spend as much time as possible with the guys etc... but If I were you- like knock on their bedroom doors late at night or ask quesitons like "are you ok in there?"- you know- just to make it as awkward as possible.. maybe then the girls would feel more comfortable sleeping in their own home.. Hope this helps? Good luck
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reader, Country Woman  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Nicola79 has basically said what I would have said to you.
You are the dad here and it is your house, just because your a male as well does not mean that you condone everything their doing.
Instinct as a parent kicks in when our children come back into the fold, no matter what age they are. When I used to stay at my parents house after I had been living with my ex for over 10 years plus my dad never wanted us in the same room, it was a part of the nurturing instinct I guess and you can't just switch that off.
I would say cut it down and explain why you want to do this. You would not be a half decent parent if you weren't at all concerned that one of these evenings could lead to one of these gf's making you into a grandad and that also sits in the back of a parents mind too, even when you have boys I suspect.
You are a grown man and the fact that you have a live in gf is not the issue, your house and your rules, simple as that.
Also we cannot always switch off our ears at night either and you shouldn't have to so explain it to your boys with just all 3 of you together as a manly chat and perhaps a beer with it as well.
Take care.
Country Woman
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reader, nicola79 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 i know what you are saying and yes your gf is living with you but its you who is the dad and its your house. its obvious that you do love your kids but at the same time you dont have to put up with it if you dont want to.
maybe sit them all down and explain that you love them all and love having them around but cant carry on like this. just tell them the truth,that it makes you feel a bit uncompfy.
maybe come to a happy medium and say the girls can stop twice a week,but thats it. they have to respect you like you do them.
dont feel bad, you are a very loving and good dad.
i wish you all the best.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, love-him +, writes (24 May 2007):
 well i think you should tell them you are uncomfortable, but as you say, they are grown ups practically however, it is YOUR house not theres so, you are the person who makes the rules up not THEM. explain how you are uncomfortable, and if needs be, tell them you dont like it could they spend the night somewhere else. If you dont want something happening 'under your roof' then dont let it, just make sure you dont push them away from you. i hope i helped, mail me if u want to talk x x x
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