A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’d like some advice please.5 months ago, I met this amazing guy and we hit if.Purely for the reason we had a lot in common. He explained to me he came out of a very messy relationship that lasted for 5 years, was not ready for a relationship. I thought fair enough, as I also came out of a very horrible relationship , so I wanted to take my time before I just gave my heart out again.He said let's do things the old fashion way, friendship than love than maybe marriage. We became inseparable in the last 5 months. No sex, we would meet up every week and venture to interesting places. But there was one thing I disliked. He would always make these banters like hey this guy is checking you out oh la la, or are you going to get married to that man or this man and laugh,. It was getting ridiculous.So I called him and explained to him: whilst it’s good that we have banter but we have to be mindful about each other’s feelings, I do not appreciate it when you fob me of to every other guy...Why would you say this to me, when I am consuming all my time with you? It’s not funny and it’s really disrespectful, it makes me feel devalued"......He was taken aback and he apologised straight away, he realised I wasn’t messing. He said i am really sorry and will stop...we ended the conversation in a really nice note. He texted me straight away saying Y.... sorry with a heart.....I messaged the next morning saying its all right, it’s a new chapter for us...and that was it, it’s been 5 days and I heard nothing since. I am not being clingy but for someone who used to speak to me every day, he completely disappeared and I know he is alive as I saw him online on whatsapp. I don’t know what to make out of the situation and it hurts .I feel was I in the wrong to address the issue and I miss him, and kind of confused and lost. I don’t know whether to give him some space as now he has a lot to think about or just figure things out. Thank you for taking the time to read this
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): As I always say, people already have their answers from within. They already know; but sometimes we need to be pushed in the direction of the truth. We have to face our choices with courage and conviction. I've been where you are. I saw my own reflection.
He may have pushed the envelope. You had a right to put the breaks on the situation when things got out of hand. However; I wouldn't worry so much about his silence or lack of response. He has his own issues to contend with. So hang in there. Time to focus on "yourself" and heal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thankyou so much for for your advice.Its given me alot to think about, especially wiseowle....you helped to put things in perspective.Maybe I did get too emotionally attached to him, and had way too much expecatations. It should have been a light friendship and one with many possibilties like you said. I do genuninely like him alot but maybe I am also desperate to be loved and too quick.Iam glad i confronted him about the teasing situation , because I understand he was being playful, however it got to the point he was teasing me everyday and fobbing me of even to the post man, my colleagues,my guy mates, milkman on a daily basis..once or twice is fine but not everyday, it was doing my head in...It just occured to me that he had his own issues to deal with...I did message him on tuesday and said its a new chapter for both of us but no response so i will leave it at that..I will take this time to relax and get on with things. I have embarked on a new career so iam going to keep myself busy and focus on finding out more about myself. When he does come around, i will relax and take this friendship lightly and maybe take a step back.Other than that , i guess I just have to get with my life.Thankyou so much for your advice.Its helped alot :)
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female
reader, loony10  +, writes (5 May 2013):
you were absolutely NOT WRONG for bring up the issue. It really bothered you and so you did the right, mature, thing to bring it up to him and calmly and logically explained your feelings. Give him some time, although I would be livid if he hadn't contacted me for 5 days. If he never talks to you again, aren't you glad that you now know that would never have been dependable for anything in the future?? win-win for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): The 5-month relationship is running a little off course. It wasn't a good idea to fall into a new relationship before getting over your first. You haven't given yourself enough time. He gave it a go starting out as friends. The five days of silence is the time he has taken away to let your feelings settle. You over-reacted a little.You need to continue the process of healing and preparing for changes. This relationship was basically designed to give each other support while getting over your respective breakups. It it is open to changes and personal growth. You're thinking too far in advance. You're trying to form a couple. You're over-reaching.He shouldn't have raised your hopes by giving you the forecast of "marriage." You assumed a budding relationship was in the making. In order to re-program your direction of thinking, he tried to offer the possibility of other men in your life. That was a very sincere and fair move. Suggesting you keep your options open. Don't totally dismiss this suggestion.You weren't taking the hint. You began fixating on him; but you really haven't let go of your old relationship. You're using him for an emotional crutch. A temporary replacement for your ex. That's what happens when you jump from one relationship to the next.Only five months has past. Start re-planning your future and continue focusing on your recovery. Slow and follow the original plan. You're moving much too fast. The word "marriage" sticks in a woman's head like crazy glue. Once it comes up, you don't see or hear anything else. You really shouldn't enter a romantic relationship too soon after a breakup. Your feelings are obviously too raw and and you're much too vulnerable right now. "Marriage" was a trigger word. You've already set the goal. BACK UP! REWIND!!!When he gets back to you, try to show a different outlook. Use this time alone to rethink and reconsider your approach to this new relationship. You're already complaining, so this may not be exactly what you need so soon. You need time to heal and rebuild yourself. You're still under repair, and you're pushing yourself too far, much too soon. Your wounds are still too fresh to have started anything new. You owe him an apology for snapping at him for trying to keep things light and playful. You accused him of being mean-spirited; when in fact, you were being hypersensitive.Leave him alone; use this time alone to regroup.Slowly apply the breaks and let things come to a slow roll. Don't take this relationship too seriously. Make it fun and therapeutic. See it as a "friendship" with possibilities. You were in the right frame of thinking when you were hesitant to restart a new relationship. While he was correct by suggesting that you should start as friends.You originally started as a mutual support-system. Helping each other. Continue on that path and see where it takes you. He was kidding when suggesting other men; because he was playfully prodding you to keep your options open. You shouldn't have been so rigid. He's leaving you alone a few days to let you heal a little. He did apologize. He understands your feelings, better than you think. You also hurt his feelings a little because he meant it all in fun. You see his pointing out other male prospects as his rejection. That is symptomatic of a person still recovering from a breakup. You felt you were being pushed away, just when you felt you were getting closer. Call him and tell him you're sorry too.
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