A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for a little over a year now, we made our relationship "official" a few months ago. We are in a long distance relationship, living in separate countries.He's never really planned anything for us to do together, like watching movies or anything. We meet up in a virtual world so we can see one another's avatars, but that's all. He will sometimes "cancel" these meetings as well, often at the very last minute (even an hour or more after we'd usually meet up). We used to meet up almost every night, but after the relationship was established I'm lucky if it's more than once a week.I always try to text him good morning and good night, but he'll frequently neglect to do either of these. Up until I put my foot down a month ago and insisted on a minimum one text a day so I would know he's alright (I have PTSD regarding abandonment and childhood neglect) sometimes he'd ignore me for more than a day or two.He spends a lot more time with his friends than with me. I want him to spend time with his friends of course, he should have a life outside of me just as I have one outside of him. But all of this combined, and I'm just not feeling like a priority or someone he truly loves.I'm beginning to feel like a toy he thinks he can ignore until he wants something.What do I do? I feel like I've already been too demanding, insisting on a daily text. And I know he doesn't mean to, but it seems like he just keeps hurting me through his neglect. I feel like a shrew for the number of times I've cried and needed his comfort and reassurance. I love him, I want to be with him, I want this relationship to work out, but I can't take much more of this pain and I don't know how to fix all of these problems.Should I offer some sort of ultimatum, or just leave him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2021): You are the problem. This is not a relationship and you take it far too seriously and get far too intense and needy. The way you are right now no relationship with any new guy would work out - whether it is online or face to face, but it's even harder when it is online. You need to get grounded and sorted in yourself before you can handle this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): You need to get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy before any normal man can like you, respect you, fall in love with you and miss you when you are apart. You cannot just say hey I am your girlfriend now be there for me and help me, be my therapist, it does not work like that. You do not sound like an attractive package if all you present to a guy is that you hate being abandoned, you struggle, you worry, you get anxious. Is that what he is supposed to crave when you are apart? Why would he rush back to that? You need help from a properly qualified therapist and it will take time! It is not your so called boyfriend's fault that you struggle with this and it is not his job to fix it, he would be incapable of doing that anyway as he is not a qualified therapist!
As to you calling this a relationship and saying you love him. Come on now, only little girls at school are quick to get all soppy over a boy. You have never even met so you are not even in a real relationship. It is all make believe. You are trying to make something out of very little. This is not love or a relationship it is two strangers online. And it will never be more if you hold onto your mental health problems. Because you must see that guys want a woman who is whole and healthy, not one who is demanding, needy an
d hard work.
One day he will end it or simply lose interest and stop bothering. Then you say say oh I have been abandoned again, I was right etc. But you will be the one who caused it because you were the one who chose not to get the mental health treatment she so badly needs and get into a so called LDR which she cannot cope with.
If you want a guy to miss you when you are apart, and value you, then you must be whole, and the best you can be, not present him with a broken vase and a tube of glue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): Typo correction:
"You're [both] having a romance you can't touch to show your feelings; so it must be quite stressful for him too."
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): "(I have PTSD regarding abandonment and childhood neglect) sometimes he'd ignore me for more than a day or two...."
If that is the case, should you even be in a relationship as strenuous as a long-distance relationship conducted entirely online? I'm not even certain a therapist would recommend that you put yourself through such an ordeal. People get stressed-out by LDR's who don't suffer any particular emotional malady or psychological-disorder. LDR's are tough on marriages; let alone your usual exclusive-couple romance.
I have my reservations about these online/LDR "make-believe" relationships as it is. It's one thing to establish a relationship prior to being separated by distance; or having the financial-means to travel and visit each-other frequently. There should be a definitive time-line that you know you will actually be together. You need to bond as a couple, by being together in real-time. Having a relationship entirely online, with few or no actual in-person visits, is likely to be exactly like what you're going through. Anybody would suffer from it.
People have lives, friends, and jobs. I don't know about you, but I get tired of being on the phone or online; because it's practically 95% of my job!!! Trying to carry-on a romance between devices doesn't cut-it, as far as I'm concerned. You have five senses, a body, and a soul; you need touch, personal-interaction, and intimacy (that doesn't always translate as sex). You are a human being who requires more than something as impersonal as a 100% completely-online romance! I assume he doesn't have abandonment-issues; so he's going to go about a regular everyday-life...apart from the responsibility of trying to keep you reassured that he won't leave or abandon you.
If he is aware of your struggle with PTSD; I'm only guessing, but I suppose much of his online-interaction with you is probably trying to calm you down, keep you reassured, and listening to you vent about your feelings. Then he has to romance you the best way he can, by attempting to relate (or convey) his "feelings" strictly through words; without the benefit or reward of acting them out, and demonstrating them in real-time. He has to take a timeout; because your online interaction and communications may get deep and quite intense. You're bot having a romance you can't touch to show your feelings; so it must be quite stressful for him too.
He is a human being with needs and faults. He is in the prime of his youth, with things to do, and places to go! Just like you! Unless your entire life is centered around this LDR?!! I would think this LDR is lacking so many things for both of you. It's harder for you, because you're struggling just to hold-on; while he's not so concerned that you'll let-go. At least, it's not symptomatic of a mental-health disorder he's dealing with.
I can't speak for him, but I would assume that he can only get limited emotional-fulfillment on-line and on-screen. Void of any physical-affection, or warmth. If he's in your age-group, I'm not surprised he's not as committed to keeping in-touch as you'd hope he'd be. He wants to go-out and have fun, hang-out, he has to work, or just be lazy; and then he may be tired after his workday, and just want to veg-out, or play his video-games. If he has friends, he's also sharing online-time with them as well. If he's the center of your universe; you need friends and other fulfilling activities to fill your life.
I'm worried for you, and I feel this LDR is most unhealthy; and it might only aggravate your PTSD. Have you consulted with your therapist particularly about this relationship? If you haven't, I do believe you should. I hope you are listening to any professional-advice you're given regarding possible triggers; and other strenuous emotional-exchanges that can add complications to your mental-health. This is definitely becoming a trigger, or you probably wouldn't be here.
Sweetheart, please guard your feelings; and take care of yourself. If this is becoming too much, let it go. Then make sure you are seeing your therapist regularly to help you cope with any unhealthy-feelings and emotions caused by this relationship.
It's better for you to practice dealing with in-person/interactive-relationships. You can't be guaranteed nobody will ever leave you. That's life. You will not always want to stay with certain people; and there will come a time you'll have to reject and leave someone yourself. Having abandonment or trust-issues won't make you want to remain with someone you don't love; and loving someone won't obligate them to want to remain with you. Part of this is about being an adult, and living within the reality of life. It's also about survival. The world doesn't revolve around your feelings; or yield to your mental-health disorder. That too, is a sad fact of life you have to face.
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female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (25 October 2021):
Wait a sec. You're crying and feeling hurt over a virtual relationship? You've never met this guy, touched him, kissed him or seen him on video chat? He doesn't see you as a prioroty because you are not in his life (Reality).
Your mental issues are yours to deal with and seek help. He has no obligation to help you with them. Stop spending your energy on something that isn't real and invest in getting better mentally. You are too young to be dealing with a silly non existing realtionship.
You can't love someone you've never met. I can understand feeling abandoned and neglect, I was orphaned at 15, I'm now 36 but I have never been clingy or pushed my issues onto someone else. I dealt with them and moved on. You need to do the same. You are making yourself ill for no reason.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (25 October 2021):
 I think that are to many negatives than positives surrounding this relationship.
I think the best option here would be to end this virtual relationship and move on. It does not seem like he is making too much of an effort to try to make this work, and as a result you are doing all the leg work.
I don't think that this relationship is doing you mental health and your general well being any favours. I would end things sooner rather than later, and block him if necessary.
Get yourself back together and enjoy some me time away from all the stresses that this relationship was causing. Then when your ready find someone who you can rely on, and can actually see in person.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2021):
 Just wish him well and cut it off.
OP, date someone you can see in person. Someone you can get to know IN person.
It's easy to get emotionally attached to someone you talk to online and over tech, because they can "build/create" the "perfect" version of themselves, you don't get to see them and how they interact with other people you ONLY see what they ALLOW you to see. So YOU build a picture of WHO they are in your head and THAT is who you fall in "love" with.
If you have PTSD regarding abandonment and childhood neglect - I hope you are talking to a counselor and working on that yourself. IT IS NOT your partner's job to "fix" that for you or cater to your whims so you don't feel triggered. It would be nice and good if they DIDN'T make you feel worse. But this IS your issue that YOU need to work on. And to communicate your NEEDS to your partner without making them DEMANDS.
This guy doesn't care as deeply as you. He simply doesn't.
If he knows that you will feel miserable when you are ignored, and he KNOWINGLY ignores you - then he is not a good person. He is ENJOYING your pain.
So, in short, my advice is for you to get some help and work on yourself to be the HEALTHIEST version of you, you can be - BEFORE you start dating. Let's say on a "mentally healthy scale" you are a 3 out of 10, WORK on yourself to get to a 7-8 first. A place where you can BE on your own and enjoy life. A place where you aren't so desperate to NOT be left that you won't settle for a guy who seems to not REALLY care about you.
And that you ACCEPT that a partner is NOT your therapist. They are NOT responsible for your emotions.
Chin up and focus on your mental health and date people whom you can ACTUALLY spend time with in person. WHEN you are ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): You are on his back burner .. always waiting for some snippet of a text and validation that he still cares . I'm not going to say that distance romances can't work, they can. But, they are the minority. You need clear understanding and a time frame to make online .. reality . That means spending time on zoom, physically seeing each other .. talking.. texting .. making plans to relocate .. one of you would have to and from I have read this sweetie, is a waste of your mental health not even your emotional. Cut him off . Then look nearer home . This is a learning curve for you . Dont waste your precious time over someone that doesn't value your time and affection as there is always someone else who will . If he can't see that, then more fool him .Chin up ..hugs
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