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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I've been living with my partner for a year and a half and we've been together 3 and a half years.He was only married 2 years (no kids) when his partner said she was having an affair, however she took about 6 months to move out and in that time he met me. He was working in another country (where I lived) to where she lived in their home so it wasn't so bad. He said he stayed with friends when he did go home. He has always assured me that from the minute she told him about the affair it was over between them. I'm also divorced,I got married very young and split with my partner after 12 years. We have never discussed marriage but the other night some friends joked about us getting married and my partner made jokes about feeling sufficated and choked by the whole thing. Afterwards I spoke to him and said I knew he was just trying to be funny but I found it quite hurtful that he would say that in front of me, especially as we've never discussed getting married. He explained he'd had an awful time when he was married and I said so had I! Anyway, to cut a long story short we spoke about marriage properly for the first time ever (!) and he told me he never wants to get married again. He said he believes you should only get married once. He did and he failed. He said he failed because it wasn't me. He had tears in his eyes as we spoke and I believe him but I still feel that it's because I'm not really the love of his life and his ex wife was. And yet I feel that's not true - I know he's mad about me. He said (as he has said many times) that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Everything he says and everything he does makes me believe he loves me more than anyone else ever has and I feel the same way about him. I wasn't in any hurry to get married but I always belived that some day he'd propose to me and I'd be so happy to say yes! Do you think he really believes that you only should get married once or is he still in love with his ex wife?
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Right now, at this moment he is with you. He spoke of his marriage as suffocating, and explained to you that his marriage didn't work because SHE wasn't YOU. He loves you, he is with you, and he is committed to being with you simply by the fact that he stays where he is, and he is honest about his feelings (at this moment). I believe right now, it is not that he doesn't want to marry you, I believe it is because he is afraid of the institution of marriage. Obviously he was very hurt by the way his first marriage ended, and he's afraid that if he marries you, it will end painfully just like the first one.
You are both mature adults. You both have had a not so great experience with marriage. Right now, I would believe that he loves you, wants to be with you, and is content with living with you in a committed way. To me that sounds like a marriage, just shy of the binding legal commitment. In his eyes, the legal act of marriage my possibly destroy what you have... a great relationship.
I cannot predict if he will ever want to get married, but if it were me, I'd be content with what I had right now. Let him know you love him, that someday you hope the two of you will get married, but that you are content with the situation as it is now. Assure him that IF you DO get married, you have learned from your past experiences, and have no intentions of having an affair, or changing the caliber of your relationship. Assurance and time will be what changes his mind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): I don't think the issue is that you are not the love of your boyfriend's life and his ex was and so he never wants to marry you.
I think you have made a common mistake of living with someone without the promise of marriage....living together arrangements usually set up people for failure in marriage for a number of reasons, one of which it is not a true committment the way a marriage is, the partners can always easily walk out and often do and this fosters an atmosphere of insecurity and mistrust and arguments and defensiveness and stonewalling is one of the final stages of the end.
If your goal was marriage to this man, why did you not maintain seperate households until you were engaged at the very least and preferably until just before the wedding before combining your lives?
Your boyfriend is obviously afraid of failing again at marriage and living together was his way of having all of the benefits of a wife without any of the real responsibilities both financial and emotional....this is not really fair to you to never have spoken about his wish to never marry but have you move in with him just the same...but you are the one who allowed this to happen, so you are going to have to be the one who has to make a decision as to what it is you want and how you are going to ask for it....you may need to move out and explain that you don't want to break up, but that you want to get married some day to him and that you understand if he can't give that to you, but you will need to move on with your life.
You could ask him to go to counseling with you, but you may just want to go on your own to get some support in how to handle things from here on out and to sort through your feelings about it.
I hope you two can work through this and get the love you both want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Please get some counselling as the BF has stopped listening and hearing you and that is why you are hurt.
You are not asking too much, you are not being demanding, you are doing your best to be loving and supporting but just received a mighty blow.
Ask him for a promise ring. It's not a engagement ring or a we are married ring.
Then get some counselling.
This needs to be spearheaded ASAP or you will hurt more and begin to anger and your relationship will suffer and possibly end.
Counselling and do take care. Let us know how you are doing.
*hugs*
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