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anonymous
writes: I am 33yrs old and have been in a relationship for the past 14yrs, we have a 10yr child together, we have always just plodded along, i do my thing and he does his (which always involves watching sports on tv). He is a good man but there as never been any exitment in our relationship we dont do anything together. I am in senior position in my job and recently have been enjoying social nights out with two work collegues one female and one male. The male is 20yrs old and I really took to him as I felt sorry for him as he as not had the easiest upbringing, and when we are together I feel like a youth again and I really enjoy the companyI have lost contact with all my old friends and I feel like it is time i had a good time. On occasion the the three of us go out together and a lot of the time just myself and the male collegue go out, my partner is aware of this and does not seem to mind.It now seems that people at work are commenting on the time we spend together and the whispers are because we are friends he can get away with a lot of things at work (which is not the case). I thought I had everything under control until recently, I cannot stop thinking about him and cannot wait until I will see him againAt first I tried to keep a distance but he rings me to chat and inevitably we go out again. I am not sure how he feels he may just see me as a substitute mum but I sense there is something more. What should I do as feel like a stupid love struck teenager?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 January 2005):
 Hi there,First, let's talk about your friendship (etc?) with the young man at work. Romantic relationships with workmates are a terrible minefield. You would already know very well that not all relationships work out in the long term, so what happens if and when you lose a romantic sparkle with the 20yo? Are you still going to be able to work with him, give him professional guidance, be rostered onto work-related projects with him, laugh with him at company social events and all the other interactions that are a normal part of your job, if something were to happen that made him seem unappealing in the future? What if this young man finds a regular girlfriend/moves in with someone/gets married, either at or outside of work? Would you be jealous? Would it affect your working relationship? What if he decides that he doesn't care for your company for some reason and decides to tell some whoppers about you around the water cooler, just for a stir? The potential problems are numerous, and almost as complicated as the idea of living out the dynamics of a personal relationship in the goldfish-bowl of your place of business. You say that the rumours are already flying and exaggerated and you haven't even DONE anything. I really think that continuing on with this man is going to lead to discord, eventually and I have to advise that you draw back from anything more than cheerful co-workership. If that means that you have to put him off when he rings, so be it. Let him know why. Tell him that you don't want to cope with the rumours and/or that you think it's developing into something that might be difficult to maintain. I strongly suggest that you keep it on a professional level when you're with co-workers.I'm not saying that a relationship between you and the 20-year-old couldn't work (in spite of the fact that he's closer in age to your son than to you - worth thinking about), but that the chances of it succeeding are diminished because it's taking place at your work where people are inevitably going to gossip and speculate and feel compelled to "contribute" their opinions and ask you about it, etc etc etc. It's also not a good idea to leap out of one unhappy relationship straight into another without a period of self-reflection. You need to know why your current LTR is struggling before you start another one!Now can we talk about what this is doing to your long-term relationship? It's not helping things, is it? What's probably happening is, because you feel that your LTR (you don't say if you're married or not) is going nowhere, your affections are being misdirected to this nice new face. It's understandable, but that doesn't make it right. You need to rediscover your partner's good qualities.You say he spends most of his spare time watching TV and that you do your thing. That's perfectly OK as long as each partner is happy with that, but the tone of your letter indicates that you're not. Are there any activities that you used to enjoy together? You need to reach out, right now, and make an effort to connect again with your partner. Let him know that you miss his company and that you wish that you could do interesting things together. Maybe there's a sport he enjoys watching that you could attend together, a match you could watch in person? There will have to be compromises, but ASK him along to some of the things you do, or work on finding things to do that you both might enjoy. It's important to try to work things out, particularly so that your son can see the main adults in his life showing respect for and having fun with each other as often as possible. Watching the two of you is how he is going to learn about how men and women interreact.There will obviously be a period of adjustment, where you're not entirely comfortable and neither is he; that's because you've both fallen into your routines over the years. Accept that and talk about it, even laugh over it.You need to try to give this one serious more chance before you consider throwing in the towel. You may not realise it, but you're in that infamous 7-year-itch cycle at this point - a time when a lot of couples tend to get tired and split up - and if you can get through this period, you might be able to get back what you had before.Do try. But if it's still unsuccessful, I would still counsel you to avoid romantic entanglements with co-workers. Good luck!
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