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anonymous
writes: Well, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have a 4 month old baby boy. I'm just so fed up with him, as he goes to work comes in and expects me to make his dinner do all the housework make bottles for our son.While I'm doing all this I still have to run about and look after our son while he either sits on the net or sleeps. I know he is working but what he doesn't understand is that I have our boy 24 hours a day (as my b/friend refuses to get up during the night with our baby).Looking after a baby and keeping a house running is hard enough work without getting grief from my other half. He doesn't talk to me very nicely either. I feel trapped by him as i love him but I dont feel very happy at the moment. I also want to get engaged in a year or so but he says that there is no way as he doesn't want to get married. I feel as if I compromise things for him, why cant he for me? Do you think I'm in a dead end relationship!?!??????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): You obviously have a big heart filled with optimism. That's good, however, it can get you walked on sometimes. Make sure you have shared your thoughts with him, in a peaceful but matter of fact way. Let him know how you feel and what is going through your mind. Then you never have to say you should have. Don't, however, make any empty threats in the process. If you say you want to leave and you don't, he won't take anything you say serious. Get the book, Men are from Mars...and give it a good shot. Have a back-up plan if things don't get any better. You may love him, and likely always will in some way, but you can find a different and better love like you deserve. He will still have the role of dad when he wants it. Think about yourself. You are no good to your child as a broken woman. Start to save money. Just stick it back and forget about it. When you are ready to go, you can do so with a resource. If it works out...spend it on a wedding gift for your future husband! Best wishes!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): I'm in the same boat, only my baby isn't born yet. I don't think our choices make us lack as women as the other person replied. I really believe going through these kind of situations as dificult as they seem at the moment make us stronger women. I have 2 more children that I have raised by myself after leaving their father and life is honestly much easier, and less stressful without a man holding down the sofa. I know that I need to break off this current relationship with the father of this child I'm carrying. From past experience I know things only get worse the harder us as women try to change someone elses behavior. So, let go and make yourself happy. The happier you are the better mother you can be to your children.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): yep....should have thought about the consequences before sleeping with someone and having a child.
Love isn't going to bed with someone, (that's the easy part) Love is facing the everyday world with someone, eating hamburger instead of steak.
You're not alone, but I wish the girls of this country would learn to be women again.
Men won't marry if they're having sex whenever thay want with no commitments.
Get the commitments first, then the sex, then the child...it really does work better that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Oh my God. This is weird. I am in EXACTLY the same boat. I have a 3 month old, my fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and we were SUPPOSED to be getting married this saturday, but he called it off because apparently he has been "unhappy" for a year, since we found out i was pregnant. He is playing these head games with me, telling me I don't do enough around the house, i don't clean i don't cook, all i do is blow money, which is a crock of Sh*t. Then i'm expected to take care of the baby once he gets home from work, i'm expected to wake up every night to feed him, and i am the one who doesn't do enough? I am going to have to be the tough woman i am, and do what is best for my son and myself. Leave.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): you need to sit him down explain what you do during the day as he belives you probaly sit about doing nothing.
he will have to listen to you to understand what you do, also you need time for yourself so tell him that once a week you want to go out for the night with friends to catch up on all the juicy gossip your missing, that way you get some time to relax and have fun, also he will have to look after the baby and feed him that way he will see what you have to deal with. if he doesnt like it then he wont be a good father figure for your baby so it might be better to walk away from him .
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 January 2005):
 Hi there,Your b/f is carrying on this way because you allow him to. By your stepping in and doing everything, you're proving that you don't need your b/f to help, and now the workload is starting to show, as you both get irritable with the other. You have to stop doing everything and work with your b/f to set up some guidelines about what you feel you can manage with the household duties, and still be a good mother to your son.Questions: Why do you do all the housework and make your b/f's dinner and allow him to spend his non-work time on the web, as well as look after your child? Why won't he get up at night to take care of your son's needs? The answer could be that you haven't made it clear that your boyfriend has responsibilities to his child, too. This boy is half-his, remember, and it isn't fair of your b/f to let you assume all the work involved in raising a baby.You need to talk to your boyfriend right now. Calmly explain to him that the workload that you are under is too much (it might help to make a list of the things you do every day before you approach your b/f) and discuss with him jobs that he can do to equalise the responsibilities. Let him see your list and pick things he can do to help out.You have to remember that he works outside the house, so he's probably tired when he gets home. That's fair, but you've been working all day too, so it's not an excuse not to do anything when he gets home. Ask him to pick some jobs that he can do to give you some breathing space at night, and that will allow him to get to know his son. Maybe your b/f could be the one that feeds and baths the baby at night, and put him to bed. Maybe your b/f will take care of dinner (He'd have to find a way to feed himself if you weren't there, right? So what's the difference between that and making sure all three of you are fed?) It's very probable that the stress of having a new baby in the house is as disruptive to your b/f as it is to you. He may not feel that he's ready for all this domesticity and if he's feeling "trapped" by the cicrcumstances, he may take it out on you, by snapping at you. As I've said, that doesn't make it OK - in fact, it's the worst thing he could do, since you need to support each other - but that might be why he doesn't speak very nicely to you. The only way to find out what he's thinking and to find ways around it is to talk to him. Don't do it an accusatory way, though. Try to find a moment when it's quiet and encourage him to talk about what's going on. Something like "Do you find you're more tired at the end of the day now that we have the baby, because I sure do." Try hard not to make judgements or accusations, because you want him to talk and tell you what he's thinking.If your b/f won't talk about it, and won't do his share of the household duties, and won't care for his own child, you should walk away. You're already unhappy, right? If he doesn't care to work on a solution to your problems, he's too immature and selfish to be a good dad to your son, anyway.As to getting married, I think you're barking up the wrong tree. You're already unhappy, he's already told you that he doesn't want to get married. There isn't any "compromise" to be reached. Your wanting to seal in stone a relationship that you already aren't happy with, with a man who's said he isn't ready, is unrealistic. Marrying this man would make things much WORSE, not better. What I suggest is that you try to work our a schedule of household and childcare duties that's fair to you both. If your boyfriend isn't willing to change his ways... isn't going to help out around the house... isn't willing to care for his child... isn't willing to talk about fixing what's wrong... and doesn't want a long-term relationship, then, for god's sake, walk away. You can do better, and your child deserves it.
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