A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 5 years (we dont have kids) married for one, and i am at my wits' end. We were both having a bad time when we got together (partying too hard, irresponsible etc) and i supposed we recognised that in each other. We were friends for a while beforehand and he then moved away. we didnt see each other for a year and then i decided to go to see him. I continued to do that for a few months as i was falling for him, but he was only interested in being friends with benefits. He eventually (as he said) realised he loved me and we moved in together. Things were difficult from the start. I had promised him that i would stop the drinking and start to looking toward the future and he promised me he would stop smoking weed. I haven't touched alcohol since that day. He still continues to smoke. Anyway, i got a good job, did all the housework, dinner, finances etc while he sat with his friends playing computer games, he would not do anything. He did however manage to find something part time eventually (i found the job for him, he was not motivated enough to do this himself). We couldn't afford for only one of us to be working full time, and we were in the countryside so jobs were scarce, so we decided to move back to our home area where my father gave both of us a job. He was unreliable, which was embarrassing, and even after us both working long hours, i would still be doing everything at home for him. Don't get me wrong, i have tried everything to motivate him, plans, lists, rewards, punishments, taking a step back to let him find his way, bribery, flattery, corruption lol you name it. After a long talk, he decided what he wanted to do and so enrolled on a three year course. I paid for it, he worked a few hours a week during then, again me still working full time and doing everything. He passed with top marks and now has a job in his chosen trade. Because of all this i couldn't pursue the career i wanted, i lost my friends by moving away, didn't gain any because his friends were all single and not interested in making conversation with me. I couldn't get a hobby as we couldn't afford it and still can't. Bear in mind, i had no friends at this time, i needed support and love too and i didnt get it. i threatened to leave if he didn't change his ways but always changed my mind because i do love him. He is not all bad, he's very sweet and affectionate, he doesn't physically hurt me, but it's all on the surface. For example, he's never taken me out, he used to buy me flowers every now and again, but now only does so when i mention it, he gets all the spare money we earn on his car, his games. i did get my cats, granted, but i was so lonely i begged him for a companion. when we are arguing or having a discussion, it turns to trying to make him feel better about himself and motivating him. As i write this i'm aware of how it sounds, but he makes me laugh when hes happy, he gives a lot of cuddles etc and he tells me all the time how much he loves me and he did what he said he was going to do in getting a job, he helps with the housework more and is improving gradually, but i'm so tired and burnt out and so low that it doesn't seem to matter anymore how much he improves. I used to be a good looking, strong, calm, confident woman and i now feel like a husk whos in desperate need of a haircut. He says he doesn't want me to leave as he cant be without me,i suggested councilling, but he hasn't sent off the forms (which is typical)and he says there is no one else on earth for him, and i used to think that way but surely love is not enough, there are more practical things too. As you can tell, a lot of negatives, but there are positives and i'm in a serious quandry. The biggest problem is that he hardly ever does what he says he's going to do, and now i just think his words are cheap and i dont trust him to do anything. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the essay x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): You have said it all, don't apologize for the essay.
You need to get counseling for yourself. Really, you need it badly. Understand yourself, you can understand him later if ever. If the first counselor doesn't work, then try another, then another, till you get one you can open up to and who can get you to open up to yourself.
As far as the drinking and drugs, take another look at yourself and him and all of that.
Take this quiz,
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Substitute marijuana for alcohol when you do it and take it again, just remember...they are both drugs and alter your perception.
BTW, you are probably still good looking whether you get the haircut or not, but your self esteem is in the shitter, and you have made yourself shrink to nothing in your own eyes.
Remember that, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we behold ourselves more than anyone else ever will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): Oh you invested a lot into this guy, too much I think. I do not blame you for not wanting to leave, you done a lot for him and leaving would give him all the benefits but you none. Give him an ultimatum, he either changes or your gone. Stick by it. Why be with a man like that? he will drive you crazy.
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