A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've lived with my boyfriend for six years. Our relationship has been rocky for the most part, but I've always felt close to him and considered him a good friend. The main reason I want to break up with him is that he continually makes empty promises to marry me. I have always been the breadwinner. I never minded because I enjoyed our life together so much, and I thought most of his employment problems were a result of his being pretty much 90% right-brained (and bipolar). Still, the lack of marriage makes me feel unappreciated. To make this short, I am going to just say that everybody who knows us looks at me as bending over backwards to build a better life for us, including my financing a move across the country so that we could live closer to his kids. He left me twice after this move due to employment issues, and both times that I took him back, he promised to marry me. He also promised to marry me last Christmas in lieu of actually giving me a gift (when he did spend money on others). And recently, he told me he had $600 from a paycheck for a job that did not work out (I agree with his reasons for not keeping it, though I am only 85% sure he was honest). He said he wanted to go ring shopping the next day and get a temporary engagement ring for $100-$200, promising to get a more expensive ring later. This made me feel really special, like I was finally a priority. Had we actually gone, I would have asked for a $50 ring that I had already picked out. He knows that money is not important to me (I don’t even want a wedding). But we never went ring shopping. The money has been spent, and he hasn’t brought it up since. His kids are now on a two week visit, and though I love them, I have a hard time getting close to them because I do not feel like I have been made an official member of the family. What's worst now is that I have fallen in love with someone else. The first few times I spoke with him at work, I did not feel any physical attraction, but I was completely shocked at how much he reminded me of my boyfriend. What I have discovered, though, is that this new man is extremely similar to my current boyfriend except that he is financially stable, he is closer to my age (current bf is 13 years older, and this guy is three years younger), and his conversations are more intellectually stimulating. My current man is very intelligent (and extremely creative), but he does not have a formal education and he shuts down any time I share something he feels is too academic (though he can discuss science till he’s blue in the face). I love him, but I cannot help but feel I would be giving up a chance at happiness with this other man if I ignored the feelings I am having. I’m sorry this is long, but I really just want advice for breaking up with a live-in partner who is financially dependent. I am not going to jump into anything with this new guy, but I want to be available when the time is right, and I am fed up with broken promises. Had this man actually gotten me a ring, I would have been a devoted wife to him until the end. But I do not feel like he has ever put me first. Even when he has had money, he has forgotten birthdays and this last Christmas (he spent $200 on his kids, and nothing on me). Still, as crazy as it sounds, I do love him and I worry about what will happen to him after we break up. For him, breaking up will mean moving across the country, leaving a minimum wage job, saying goodbye to his kids, and living with a family that can’t stand him. My hope is that perhaps he could get an apartment with a friend he has back home, but I really fear his ending up on the streets. Does anyone have any advice on how to make the breakup as smooth for my partner as possible?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Break up as if he was not financially dependent. He is able bodied, there is nothing stopping him from getting a job if he truly wanted. Sure the economy is hard but if he truly was serious about earning money he could find something even part time. So don't worry about his finances, he has options. Whether he will choose to take them or not is not your problem. Just because he isn't taking those options now doesn't mean he wont once you're gone. Now he takes the easiest path which is to just rely on you. Once you're gone he will find something else because he has to. At the very least he may find another female breadwinner to partner up with if that's his approach to financial stability (hey I know many women who take that approach with men).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I would sit him down and calmly explain that you want to end things, that you feel your relationship has come to its conclusion and you are not willing to carry on further. With living together it makes it harder, so perhaps give a reasonable about of notice when the other is going to offically leave the home. If its rented, then notice of your lease should be enough. But if you are truely concerned about him. Tell him and say he's got 2/3 months to sort of his situation. Plenty of time to save some cash, find alternative affordable accomodation etc etc. That way you are not worried and you know he's not just on the streets. Just because a relationship stops doesn't mean you stop caring. He was important to you for six years so a little warning. But its going to be hard living under the same roof as the ex especially if the ex bitter or tries to win you back. Just give what is reasonable and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Stop worrying about him. It's admirable but it's also 100% holding YOU back and making you WASTE your life on trying to be nice.
Give him 2 weeks to find a place to live, pack up and get out. If he is not out by 2 week YOU pack up his stuff and change the locks.
YOU can not move on and STILL take care of this man-child.
I would also caution you to not jump into a new relationship right away. SLOW down & good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): You're not talking about a son or daughter you're sending out into the world. You're talking about a man 13 years your senior. Seriously!?
You dragged that sack of stones for six years and you need reassurance? You feel guilt for moving on to what you deserve?
You're kidding? Right?
Living the life of a martyr is not for everyone. Mother Theresa devoted her life to the sick and the poor. It was her destiny. You met someone who gives you everything you have desired up to now. That is your destiny.
You have been a kind and generous caregiver. You have made your sacrifice. Now go for your reward without regret.
That man has managed to survive all these years. He found you didn't he? So, let him find his own way, as you have found yours.
I give you my blessings, my dear. You're more than welcome to pursue your happiness. No regrets and no worries.
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