A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice because I feel like I'm too screwed up for relationships and yet I want to be in one so badly.My first boyfriend put a lot of pressure on me to do sexual things in our short relationship, and though I liked him, I never loved him so made up my mind not to lose my virginity to him. We did some other things but he always pushed me into these situations, they were never things I wanted to do spontaneously :(Since him I have been terrified that any man that shows an interest in me is just after sex and that they will all pressure me into doing things before I am ready to do them. Because of this, I have spent the past 5 years single, having only fleeting kisses here and there with guys I liked.Now I have found a guy I do like and we get on well as friends. He has shown that he has more than a friendly interest in me through his flirting and saucy texting, which I was fine with, but when we had a date at his place I felt very uncomfortable. We haven't kissed but he has touched me intimately and when he asked me to touch him back I froze. I was scared stiff, and with his whispered suggestions I was thrown back in time to the stressful situations my ex had put me in.Am I ever going to be brave enough to have a grown up relationship with a man?And though I didn't describe my past in detail with this new guy, he has a vague idea of the pressure I withstood - he just doesn't realise that what he was saying made me feel pressured in the same way.What should I do? :( I so badly want to just have a normal healthy relationship with a man and I'm horrified to think that my fears surrounding sex and intimacy will prevent me from finding someone I love, who'll love me too...I'm also worried that my fear of spending my life alone and in fear will influence me to do things I am not comfortable with before I am ready to do them, and I really don't need more regrets than I already have!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I am the original poster of this question and I just wanted to say thank you to you guys for answering my questions :)What you've said has given me a lot to think about and I feel much better about the situation knowing what you have told me.It is odd how you can feel confident that you know the right answers until a situation throws you off balance. I am considering going to my GP this week to talk about seeing a counsellor or someone like that to discuss my issues with.But thank you all for your kind words :)
A
male
reader, neoncheese  +, writes (13 April 2010):
Hi
As a man I must say that I agree COMPLETELY with the advice given to you by Jumby.
Your ex was completely wrong to force you to do things which you did not want to do. He was thinking only of himself and seems to have been oblivious to what your feelings were at the time. Count your lucky stars that he is out of your life now.
As for the new guy - its natural for him to want to try things with you (he might think its the norm) BUT - AND THIS IS IMPORTANT - no man must make you do anything that you are not comfortable doing !!!!!!
This just shows a complete lack of respect for you PLUS the fact that he is not tuned in to what your feelings are. If he is truly interested in YOU as a person he will take the trouble to learn to interpret your responses and to understand your likes and dislikes. Then when he tries something (assuming he has not been perceptive enough to realise you DONT like doing these things)he will spot your hesitation and STOP !!! Then if he dumps you because you wouldnt do anything CONSIDER yourself lucky because he should be interested in YOU the person NOT you the body !
If you give in to a guy because you think everyone is doing it and he might dump you it will just lead to you feeling dirty, cheap and used.
You ask if you will ever be brave enough to have a grown up relationship with a man - my dear - it seems that in all this YOU were the ONLY grown up involved !
I am not sure if the new guy tried something on the first date. If he did then the "flirting" and "texting" might have just been him hooking you and reeling you in.
If this is not the case then I apologise.
So have no fear - the right man will come along - someone who will go at your own pace and will let YOU decide if you want to get intimate or not.
YOU and a VERY SPECIAL and IMPORTANT woman - be PROUD of yourself and save yourself for a guy who will RESPECT you and your principles.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): First of all never, ever, EVER do anything you are not comfortable with doing.
Its concerns me that the new guy has touched you intimately before you guys have even kissed. It have been better if you started slow such as holding hands and kissing before moving onto anything sexual. That way you could have built up to it and you will feel more comfortable.
Best thing to do now is have a talk with him, perhaps include a few more details about your past and explain that you need to go slow and take your time in order to feel comfortable. This will serve to let him know that you want to take your time and also shows you if he is in it for the sex or if he cares for you.
Finally, you might want to see a therapist for your fears of being alone, your past sexual experiences and your fears about sex and intimacy. I myself have had problems regarding sex and intimacy and found professional help to be very helpful at dealing with these issues.
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A
female
reader, Jumby +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Hun you should never feel pressured into anything sexual, when your ready and with the right person these fears will be put to rest. Your ex had no right to put so much pressure on you and its understandable why sex and relationships are so scary as a result.
Even though you get on well with this new guy as a friend I wonder if perhaps he has betrayed your trust by touching you when your not ready. If so he really really isn't the right one. He should be following your lead, and seeing that your scared he should reassure you, not continue trying to get you to have intimate relations with him.
You are normal, its completly natural to be scared especially if you've had fears in the past.
What you need is someone who will gently reassure you and not put any pressure at all. You need to be in control and lead when you feel comfortable. And if they are the one for you, and truly love you they will go at your pace. Guys like this do exist, it might just take longer for you to find them because before the age of 28 men can often be only after one thing which is such a shame.
your not going to end up alone, your going to find someone who was worth waiting for, and will show you that they are right for you. Don't rush into anything, and only do what you feel comfortable with. The person who is right for you will love you not matter what, sex will be something you explore together. Not something your forced into.
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