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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Alright, i finally graduated at 19 almost 20. I am so thankful for one teacher who never stopped believing in me. At first, i wasn't so fond of him, but soon it grew and grew. As i was growing up my mom did all the house work and bills and everything else. My dad was a mechanic and did what he could but he had a lot of pain in his back so he took drugs for it. As i got older, he got worse with drugs. Embarrassing the family when friends would come over and he would be laying on the floor or hunching over being so messed up from the pills. Quite frequently my mom and dad got in fights. Some very bad where the police came or my dad tried killing himself or leaving us. As i was growing up, i seemed to be very close to older males, not romantically but just wanted them to care about me. In elementary school i always thought about my 2nd grade teacher, and wanted him to care about me so much. When i turned 10, my dad died of a heart attack from drug overdose.. I kept living my life figuring nothing was wrong (probably was numb to the whole thing) until Highschool. When i got to high school i started to realize i had an attraction to older males not romantically but just saw them so much as father figures and wanted them to care about me so much. So i started to rebel, i stopped being a christian, started skipping classes, smoking marijuana, started to cut and burn myself partly for wanting to see if they truely cared about me and partly because i hated who i was and wanted to punish myself for every little thing i did wrong. There were two teachers that really seemed to stand out. One always asked how i was doing, tried giving me a boost with school work and giving me advice when i needed it. Then after he left, there was one teacher who today i'm still crazy about! He's known me back when i was a good christian kid, and he's seen my drastic change to a complete rebel. He has been the father i had never had. Always checking in with me every day, telling me to keep on going and to go for my diploma. When i wanted to drop out, he saved me from that and talked me out of it, he's given me hugs when i had my breakdowns and we had our "father daughter" kind of talks which REALLY helped me so much, and helped me know that he truely cared. It was beautiful. I had major insecurities with him though, like i couldn't look him in the eyes most of the time, and i didn't want to be close to him, i think it's because i was never close to my dad and was scared to be close to someone like a father figure. i gave him a letter before i finished letting him know how much help he was to me and how much he helped me through my depression, and he loved it. I was in tears before graduation because i knew i'd have to say goodbye. At graduation i had tears in my eyes, but i couldn't cry. Before i left, we had one last hug and said my goodbyes. it's been a while, and i still miss a father figure in my life. One of the reasons why i'm still depressed is i thought that , THAT would be enough for me that i can move on and do good for myself. But i'm stuck into thinking that he doesn't really care about me, it was all a show, he probably thought i was pyschotic or mental or in love with him. It was just too good to be true that i didn't want to accept the truth so i made up something else. I still really miss him very much, and i miss having a father figure like that. I'm trying to get over this depression and these missing father figure feelings. Being out of school now i feel so alone and hopeless. I've had many boyfriends in the past, i liked them but i didn't want to be close to them either. How can i fix this? How can i move on and fix my broken heart? Why do i still harm myself when i know it's only hurting other loved ones? why can't i let go of this hatred of me? Why can't i accept that he truely cared about me and loved me? Was it because mom told me dad loved me but i never believed her because he wouldn't stop with his drug problem? I just want to be free of this father figure thing :( if you have any advice, PLEASE feel free to share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for your input. I know i should help myself but something's keeping me from that. It sounds sick but i don't want to stop being depressed. like its hard to let go, it's hard to stop harming myself, i feel i deserve it and if i got clean for a while i'm afraid i'd go right back to it and it's just hopeless. i dont know how to deal with it..
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