A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need somewhere to vent - I’m so angry.Several years ago my brother met this woman and it was obvious to me she was only using him. My brother is very successful, owns 2 homes and is a very generous guy.From my first meeting with her my gut instinct just knew she was bad news yet no one in my family could see it - she kissed all their arses and they kissed hers in return. My family were just happy that at 44 my brother met someone as they worried about him being alone. She was always using his credit card to buy stuff for herself like designer bags and shoes - nothing essential! He paid her rent for 2 years before she moved in with him.She was always in and out of work claiming that her employers didn’t treat her right and when she moved in with my brother she stopped working all together. They then got engaged and she picked out the most expensive ring she could get away with. Aside from her using his money she didn’t treat him well, she’d snap at him, boss him about, ignore his calls when she was out etc…She never did anything around the house and was lazy. She then got herself pregnant on purpose -(my brother was always adamant he never wanted children) and she assured him she was on the pill which we later discovered she wasn’t. She miscarried a couple of months in to the pregnancy.She then insisted they bring the wedding forward as she needed to distract herself. We then found out she was having an affair and fortunately my brother saw sense and broke it off with her. Now I tried to warn him and my family about her from the start- no one listened to me - The funny thing was everyone accused me of being jealous of her because she was much younger (late 20’s) and as I had always been close with my brother they assumed she was a threat to me- which absolutely wasn’t the case.I’m just so angry that everyone thought I was the problem when it was her all along. Imso sad for my brother as he really didn’t deserve this and maybe I should’ve done more to prevent this. But I cannot get over how my family for several years dismissed my concerns and favored a stranger over me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2022): I'm glad I waited before responding on this one.
I was all ready to be like, hey, what you should focus on is that your brother should take the time to realize how severely wounded he is... and what not...
But now, I'm with @WiseOwl. 100%
Did it occur to you that whatever happened so long as it was going on, your brother was possibly Okay with it?
And that at the point that he broke it off, that's where the game was not fun enough for him any more?
We live in a world that... knows COVID-19.
I'm 43. I have 4 dependents. And 0 pound on my bank account
Do you really believe that someone who can afford what your brother has afforded himself in a world that knows COVID-19 is totally a victim?
Someone should in fact be congratulating him for keeping all of this together.
Still, from what you gather of his current state of mind, do you think that he'll be fine from all of this?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 June 2022):
 I feel your pain. I honestly do. I've been in a similar situation at work where I was accused of being too harsh with a commercial tenant who was not paying their rent. As I could see through him and his lies, he went bleating directly to the landlords, who actually instructed me to back off him as he was "a decent bloke, struggling to make a living". The same "decent bloke" did a moonlight flit shortly afterwards, leaving thousands of pounds of rent arrears and a building which took thousands more pounds to put back into a condition in which it could be re-let. Meanwhile, the same "decent bloke" closed down his company and set up in another name, in another location. We had customers of his contacting us for months afterwards, trying to locate him as he had taken money up front for work which was never done. Nobody would believe me at the time that he was a dodgy character because he was good at spinning stories. Similar to your situation, nobody admitted afterwards "You were right and we were wrong. We should have listened to you." To this day it rankles a little with me but I take comfort from knowing my gut instinct was correct and I wasn't taken in by this character like the others were.
I understand your desire to protect your brother but you cannot live his life for him or even make his choices for him, bad as they may be. Thank your lucky stars the truth came out before he married this woman. I do have to wonder if she was ever really pregnant. Once they've been shown to be liars, you question everything they have said.
Perhaps, when your brother is eventually ready to date again, you can help him to meet someone more appropriate?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 June 2022):
 Some people CHOSE to wear blinders. You can't fix that.
Your intuition told you she was "no good" but your GROWN brother only wanted to see the good. My guess is, that he did know she was using him, but he was SO stoked that some pretty woman wanted him, so he was willing to ignore the obvious.
Same for your family. They ALL wanted him to NOT be alone. They would rather think YOU were jealous than him picking a gold-digger bad apple.
"maybe I should’ve done more to prevent this. "
No, it's not your job to police who he is dating. It's not your job to point out the obvious. It's not your job to pick his partner apart.
He is OLD enough to go into a relationship with his eyes wide open.
Be thankful that he didn't marry her. SHE would have taken him to the cleaners.
The "I told you so" feelings you have are valid but absolutely pointless. Your brother knows. Your family CHOSE to ignore you, ignore any red flags and THAT is on them.
Your brother learned a lesson. An EXPENSIVE one.
EVERYONE who has dated more than ONE person has at some point made a mistake in the choice of partner. This was HIS mistake to make. HIS life to live. NOT yours.
When you have a family like yours (that basically stick their heads in the sand and pretends everything is hunky-dory )- the BEST thing you can do is be VERY subtle when you point out obvious flaws. Using finesse.
Know that you were right about her, but also that it's really NONE of your business WHO your brother chooses to date. None.
Let it go. Right now you are "taking poison hoping she will die" (as a figure of speech). You being "right" about her will not make you a happier person, nor will renting out room in your headspace to this woman or the drama she created. Time to LET it go, let HER go. Good riddance to her.
Your brother obviously has a lot to learn when it comes to picking a partner or having a serious relationship, but THAT is on him to figure out. You can't do that for him.
Life goes on. Take a deep breath and let it all go. Don't let HER waste YOUR time too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2022): P.S.
BTW, she didn't get herself pregnant; he impregnated her. He left birth-control entirely up to her. If he never wants children, he should consider getting a vasectomy. Safe-sex is always the best option; rather than depending on the other person to take all the precautions. He knows what condoms are for!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2022): Although you're protective of your brother, and you might be the most discerning person within your family circle; you can't tell a 44 year-old man who he should or shouldn't be with. He was getting what he wanted out of the relationship; and apparently didn't mind her spending his money. He wasn't in some stupor or under a spell. He was fully aware of what was going-on. He's not her age!
You may have one opinion of her; but the only opinion that matters is his. Things worked-out in the end, and it seems your brother lives a charmed life. She didn't bankrupt him, or pull a scam. He gave her whatever she wanted; and it's likely he got whatever he wanted from a woman who was half his age.
Maybe it has never happened to you; but most of us have been attracted to people who are truly the worst match ever, but there's something about them only we can appreciate. Our friends and family warn us; but until we run into the ultimate deal-breaker ourselves, we see only what we want to see in that person.
Your brother is a man with a certain amount of success. He didn't achieve what he has achieved not knowing up from down, or in from out. Your worries and concerns came out of love; but he pretty much knew what he was doing, and he condoned everything she did. Your concerns aside, she was the kind of woman he wanted to be with for whatever reasons. You should want the best for him; but a man his age is by no means anybody's fool, or naive about life. He liked her for who she was, he enjoyed spending his money on her; and there was nothing about her you knew that he didn't know. He just didn't care, as long as she wanted to be with him. Everybody did what was right, they minded their own business; and allowed your brother to deal with his own love-life. It was good you didn't meddle directly, you have no right to. He enjoyed being her sugar daddy, and having some excitement in his life; which is what she provided.
Take a deep breath, and a long sigh of relief! Thank God it all turned out for the best. She may not be the last pretty young gold-digger he decides to spend his money on. It's his money, his love-life, and he's the one to suffer when he makes bad choices. I think he knows what he's doing. Remember now, you're his sister, not his mother! Even if you were, all I've said still applies!
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