A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Help me!I've been writing posts here and you've been helpful, so I'm asking again for help again. So, I'm 21 years old and I need a few answers and advices... I'm going through some hard time for over 5 months, I have money issues, I work part-time so I can go to college, but I don't have enough money to pay the rent in the apartment where I live, so my parents are helping me. Sometimes I feel desperate and I just wanna cry, I feel depressed and it's very important to me to have my own place to stay. I don't live in my college town, but my boyfriend does, so he told me to move in with him. He lives alone with his parents. I love the idea of living with him. But I told him that my parents would be against it (I know what you're going to say, that I'm a big girl now and I should be more responsible) and that as long as I depend on them financially, I can't do whatever I like. And he told me not to tell them. He told me to tell them that I live in some random apartment, but they shouldn't have to know that I'm spending my night over to his place. I can't lie to my folks. I can't hide them things, I'd feel dirty. What does this mean, the fact that he wants me to lie my parents? A few info about us: I've been with my boyfriend for a over a year now. He's the most loving guy I've ever been with. Or at least so I though. I'm a very insecure person, I lack self confidence, I've been cheated before (I know it sounds like a cliché, but it made me lose my trust on people), so now I tend to question every word he says, everything he does, I always get the feeling that he's being with me until he finds something better and I am paranoid, I think negatively about mostly everything. We are also both virgins, but he isn't pressuring me into doing it. Last night we had this awkward conversation, about how things would be if we lived together. Inevitable, we are going to have sex, but then what? Is he going to dump me after? He didn't say anything. I asked him "what if you find someone else, better than me? You're going to kick me out of your house" He said "That's true, but I thought I told you to stop being paranoid". He also said he wouldn't go after other girls because he finds it hard to approach them, because he is shy. That's not the answer I was expecting from him, if you take my meaning. I thought he might say that he isn't going after other girls because he loves me (he's never had a girlfriend before), but instead he told me this - that he is too shy around girls. I told him that the way he managed to make me fall in love with him, with his shyness at the beginning, maybe that's how it's going to be with the next one. He sustained that this won't happen, because he is shy. And then he added that he doesn't want something better, he wants me. I confessed him that - silly me, I thought that being in a relationship for over a year, maybe I developed strong feelings for him, to make this relationship last forever, that we're gonna spend our life together. I told him that I couldn't imagine my life like it was before being with him. He said "Same here". But why don't I believe him? Why do I have to be negative about this? I feel like he's going to cheat on me on the first occasion, but I know he's not that kind. He's never going out without a reason, he doesn't have female friends, but why do I still feel like he's going to do it? Does he consider breaking up with me sometime in the future? Is he keeping me until he finds something better? Should I take his word? He's not the kind of romantic guy, he is very simple minded, straight to the point, he is different from me. He's the typical guy I don't expect to wipe my tears when I'm down. But he makes me smile, in his own way. I love him because he's emotionally stable and always has an answer for everything. He gives me security.How can I stop being paranoid and insecure? Do you see things I don't see here? My depression has consequences in my others sectors of life, such as my relationship, I tend to become emotional about everything and make big deal out of everything. In my bad moments, I tend to believe that this is a one-sided relationship. Thank you for reading this. Any ideas will be appreciated.
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both virgins, confidence, depressed, insecure, money, never had a girlfriend, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking time to read my post.
The problem is that I think of us on long term, but he's probably too scared to commit. He's 26 and never had a girlfriend, and I think that he's probably keeping me around until he finds something else. He probably wants to try something else too. If I tell him this, he calls me paranoid and says that he loves me and wants only me.
I have no reason NOT to believe him, with concrete arguments, I mean he's visibly emotionally uninterested in other girls, but like every other man, he's staring at a perfect a** or boobs, passing by him on the street. I can't say I'm OK with it, I'm actually awfully jealous, but I decided to totally ignore it and never bring about it in our conversations. I think that men are visual creatures and they like perfection, I don't blame him. He doesn't have next to him (me that is) the goddess of beauty, I'm a rather average person with visible physical flaws, such as small boobs and pimples on my skin, due to hormonal imbalance (I'm taking medication). I feel insecure about it, because I know that there are girls more hot than me who can fall in love with him. He's a handsome guy and sometimes I find the fact that he set his eyes on me too good to be true.
He claims he's too shy to go for other girls, but in my head, I though that he doesn't go for other girls because he actually loves me. So he's been pretty honest. So why can't I just give up on him...
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Well, it definitely sounds like moving in is not a great idea. You've got really valid concerns - you shouldn't have to lie to your parents, and what if you two break up? What then? And, if you are waiting to have sex, living under the same roof will bring a swift end to that journey.
If you are not 100% trusting, and 100% sure that you guys are in love and committed to a lifetime together, moving in together will only magnify your problems. It is a very difficult thing for a couple to live under the same roof, and takes a while to get used to. Before you move in, you need a really solid foundation.
I think moving in together for financial reasons isn't the greatest reason at this point. If you rely on your parents money to get through school, you need to respect their wishes. If you lie to them and they discover it, the gravy train will be over and you'll be in a really bad space.
It just sounds like a bad plan to me. Continue dating and growing together as a couple before rushing your relationship by moving in. Good luck!
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