A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a brother who is married with a wife and two kids. The problem is that my brother and sister-in-law are upset with me for always refusing to babysit. I have work, church and other activities that take up a lot of my time.My brother and sister-in-law lives 5 minutes from my house. They keep on saying that they are stress out and that I need to bond with my nieces and nephew. Even if I had the time, I don't want the responsibility of watching their children, especially since I don't know anything about children (charging diapers, feeding them, est.).Am I wrong for refusing to babysit my niece and nephew? Is there a better way of refusing to babysit by claiming that I already have plans? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2022): If you really wanted to help and be a nice family member you would skip church sometimes to go and babysit instead. I am sure the church congregation could manage without you, you standing there singing hymns is not of much use to them anyway. Isn't part of religion and being a church goer about helping others? Caring for others? I doubt you really are too busy to help sometimes. Lots are busier than you timewise and still manage it. I get the feeling you would have an excuse if you were asked to help decorate or do the garden or tidy up, anything at all that isn't the sort of thing that a very young and immature person likes to do... playing video games?! getting drunk, sneaking around,I bet you have plenty of time to do those things given half a chance.
There is a saying that if you want something done ask a busy person, the person who says they cannot because they are too busy is the one with the least to do.
Am not impressed but that does not change that it is entirely up to you whether you help or not. You do not need an excuse. Just say it is not for you and you do not want to end of.
If you really want to get some brownie points with family and sort of make amends tell them you are free to babysit on such and such a day / time and would love to be with them while brother and wife are out. It does not have to be all or nothing, forever babysitting or never, it can be now and then. But don't expect people to be grateful or say thank you,they will believe it is what you do in their family.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2022): What gets me about this is that the people who are expecting you to keep doing this for them have not thought to how it would affect you in the long term. You could be sacrificing the chance of a paid part time job, when you could do with the money, but most of all a social life and a chance to get out and about and meet a nice guy and settle down and have a family of your own. Unless they want you to end up as a lonely single woman with no real life in ten years' time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2022): How about telling these people that you are getting more keen on the idea of taking care of peoples' kids while they go out to have a good time and have baby sat for a few other people who paid you. The days you work are i.e. friday, saturday only, and you are usually booked a few weeks in advance, but you've decided to follow their advice and do this part time
because you need more money coming in. Then stand back and wait to hear if they want to book you, I guarantee the answer is no.
Someone else had a very good point when they said if you were a man they would not ask you or think you have nothing better to do with your time. And another said you would not know how to take care of kids, you have no qualifications or experience of it!
None of this bothers them, but having to pay would bother them a lot.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (29 November 2022):
 I think sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind and you need tell them that you are not happy babysitting every time they need you.
No you are not wrong for refusing to do so, far from it. Of course you love your Neice & Nephew which im sure your Brother and his wife know. But at the end of the day they chose to have children and they are their responsibility not yours.
All you can do is be totally honest and tell them the way it is which is you don't want to babysit and just let the chips fall where they may.
They will have to do what most people do and seek alternative child care arrangements.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2022): I think your reaction is quite extreme and I'm wondering why.Everyone who has responded here seems to assume you'd be exploited if you agree to help. I find this strange too.You are expressing a preference - you prefer not to show curiosity about your nephews / nieces because you want to do your own things.Some would say that's a tad self-centred at your age. You're not a child anymore, and people far younger than you often help out with family without even thinking of it as help. You don't want even offer to help one day a year? Has something happened in your family to make you resentful? Were you always brought up to put yourself first and don't want that to change? Do you fear being displaced in the family order by these children who are younger than you, so that, if you behave like an adult and actually step up a bit, you will no longer be the child to be made a fuss of?As for the changing diapers - get over it. I, for one, would be much more impressed by a young man getting on with it and pitching in, rather than putting himself first. As for church - right, okay - you want to go to church instead of sometimes helping out with young children that you're related to. Okay. Hmmm. Interesting church.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): Better said:
"Just tell them you don't want to babysit; and let them piss, pout, and moan about it!"
You might want to get-in some practice at childcare; if you do plan to be a father someday. I would strongly recommend you wait until the kids are older and toilet trained. You should spend some time with your niece and nephew for the sake of family togetherness. It wouldn't break your arms or ruin your reputation to learn how to put a diaper on a baby either!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): Why do they want you to babysit when you can't change diapers and don't know anything about childcare? Pose the question, and maybe they'll backoff.
Some people with kids think single childless-people are selfish and waste their time doing nothing particularly important. Therefore, they should submit their time to being free babysitters on the spur of the moment.
Everyone gets to choose their lifestyle; and decide whether they want to be parents. If you don't care for kids, and don't want to spend time with them; stop dancing around the issue. Just tell them you don't want to babysit; and let them piss, pout, and moan about!
Will you do anything people want you to do, even if you don't know how or aren't qualified to do it, just because you don't want them to get mad at you?
Imagine how angry at you they'd be, if something happened to their kids in your care!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 November 2022):
 While I can appreciate they may be "stressed", having two young children, their children are THEIR responsibility, not yours.
In your shoes, I would be tempted to tell them, very clearly, that you do not want to baby sit their children, regardless of how much they try to guilt trip you. Don't feel you have to make excuses. Your time is yours, not theirs. They chose to have children. Did they ask you, before they had children, whether you would be prepared to give up your free time to help look after them? Of course they didn't.
Be strong. Tell them politely but firmly that you have commitments of your own and do not wish to add their children to the list.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2022): When I was young my mother (I was 25ish) expected me to close my shop - which meant paying rent on the shop, paying for products, paying all of the other expenses of running and owning the shop plus losing much needed income from the shop to pay me wages to live on - so that I could travel fifteen miles to take care of my sister's baby all day. My sister did not work at all, she had lots of money (huge expensive house, yacht, second house, a life of luxury and would have been swanning around massage parlours, nail bars etc all of the time if I did. I was also expected to take a day off of earning a living in my shop to go to her house and clean it for her - all for free of course. I could never figure out why this was considered to be fair. My sister had everything money could buy, she did nothing all day, it was her choice to have a baby, I on the other hand was living in a tiny house, living hand to mouth, needing to work in my shop seven days a week to earn enough to pay for just basics. In fact travelling to and from my sister's 15 miles away would have been out of the question for me as I would not have spare cash to buy a train ticket.No matter how much my mother bullied me, nagged me, demanded it I said no. It often came up and always with arguments and rows because it was expected of me. Never once did my mother think I should get paid for my time and needed money to live on. Nor that I was not interested in working as a baby sitter or cleaner - paid or unpaid. And if I had been it would make a lot more sense to do it locally not fifteen miles away where the time and fares to get there and back would eat into things far too much.You need to start as you mean to go on. But remember that one day you may want them to do you favours. I agree that they are simply looking for a way to save money on babysitters. As for you needing to bond with them, that is an excuse - this is about money not you bonding.If you were charging proper amounts to babysit they would lose interest in asking you.The way I see it is that children and having kids is a luxury that many cannot really afford.If they cannot afford to take care of them and all of the expenses involved they should not have them. Not try to pass it into others.If they cannot afford babysitters they should stay in and bond with their kids. Or one of them stay in with the kids and the other go out doing something so they don't both get stir crazy. But any extra expense or inconvenience should be theirs not yours.Helping someone - even family - should be a choice - not expected or forced, and it should be where they help you too. What do these people do for you?This sort of thing is sexist. If you were a guy they would not expect it, they think guys have more important things to do. But women are supposed to be maternal, caring, unselfish, giving, and their time is worth a lot less.It's all wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2022):
 No, it's not wrong to babysit if you DON'T want to.
What they want is a FREE babysitter. That is why they keep asking and guilting YOU instead of finding an ACTUAL babysitter.
" Is there a better way of refusing to babysit by claiming that I already have plans?"
Maybe it will cause less strife if you do that, however, "NO", is a complete sentence.
They are NOT your kids, NOT your responsibility.
Don't these kids have 4 grandparents who can help out?
You could perhaps ask around at church and see if there are some young women/girls who DO love to babysit and pass on their info/number to your brother.
Your brother and his wife CHOSE to have these kids. It's THEIR responsibility to take care of them.
Once they get a bit older then YOU can always revisit whether you want to babysit (don't do it for free tho).
I say that because people tend to take advantage if you do. Especially family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2022): No,you are absolutely right. Babysitting is not for everybody, same as not everybody likes or is comfortable around children, and this does not make them badcpersons. Plus ,minding children is a huge responsibility which should be taken up only willingly andcenthusiastically by expert, competent people.Finally, your relatives are being quite pushy because after all they are asking you a favour and while that may be normal occasionally, if they need help often, they should hire somebody ! Stick to your guns - and if just telling them that you are busy does not work ( which rarely does, because people like your relatives are told "sorry, I already have plans for Saturday" they will counter with " what about Sunday then ? Or Monday ? Or Tuesday ? " you just need to be honest and assertive and just tell them that you are not a childminder type of person , and you do not want to babysit- ever. Neither their kids, nor anybody else 's.
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