A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. He's been divorced for two years and I have never been married myself. He has two daughters and I have no kids. Our relationship is so wonderful, everything between us is perfect except for one thing - his daughters are really starting to be a problem. They both seem so spoiled and act like possessive children even though both are full grown adults. I am only ten years older than his oldest and I have really been trying to put myself in her position and be as understanding as I can. I have only met her once despite her living in the same city and she barely said anything to me when we went out together. Despite her and her boyfriend both working, her father pays for everything for them. He even makes it a point of taking her out to dinner once every two weeks, which I didn't mind at first as I thought they needed their alone father-daughter time. But then I found out that her boyfriend is also present and that made me feel really excluded. I mentioned to my bf that I one day, I hoped to join them in their weekly dinners to which he just replied "yeah" with a guilty look on his face. But his oldest is nothing compared to his youngest daughter. She is 20 and is living in another state for college. So whenever she visits, my boyfriend acts like she is a 5 year old girl who constantly needs to be entertained by him. He makes good money and is always taking her on these grand trips to LA and NY where she can buy anything she wants. She says she doesn't want to hear anything about me despite him telling her that I make him incredibly happy and definitely has no plans to meet me. Whenever she is in town, I don't see and barely hear from him. My bf and I constantly talk about getting married and possibly even having kids. However, when he brought this up to her, she threw a tantrum and he now says that we definitely can't have kids because she always wants to be the "youngest" This was a major upset for me as she is dictating his life and has him wrapped around her finger. He said that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone before and we will move in together the minute that his daughters are ok with it but I'm afraid they will never be ok with it and I'll be waiting forever. I understand that they are his children which is why I have been patient and didn't want to be too pushy about this but will I ever have a say? Am I just overreacting here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): I meant to say:
"[Two] female children! Yes, that makes a difference. Call it sexist if you wish; but with boys, it would be different."
"[If] that wasn't true, you wouldn't be dealing with all this drama."
"You're caught-up in talk about marriage; so you're in a world of denial about what you're seeing right before [your] very eyes."
"You think there is somebody out there that has advice on how to check his daughters, and whip him inline to focus on his relationship with you."
P.S.
It's always going to be a battle between his daughters and you. He's their dad, and has known them since birth. He raised them. You came into his life only two years after his divorce. It takes most people about five years to settle down and get their lives, exes, and kids all under control; before they move-on to their next phase of life. I think he's telling you a lot of stuff you want to hear. Like he tries to pacify his daughters when they throw tantrums, or send him on guilt-trips. He's trying to make everybody happy. That's impossible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): Your boyfriend sounds like a man with a questionable past with regard to what caused his divorce; and how his relationship with his ex-wife may have affected his relationship with his daughters.
Two years after divorce really isn't a long time, and having two grown-daughters means his marriage might have continued for their sake. He's still seeking their forgiveness and approval following the divorce. Apparently, his relationship with his ex must be contentious; hence, he has to win them over to his side by bribing them and kowtowing to their every little whim. He's a male surrounded by four females; and he has to deal with all the emotional drama that all entails. He hasn't gotten the hang of it quite yet.
You give no details about "why" he divorced his wife. Your problem with these young-women lies within those events within their family history.
I beg to differ with your opinion of how perfect your relationship is with him. He seems to be trying to please every female in his periphery. Each and every one has her own agenda and demands. His daughters learned how to manipulate him through his guilt. He was probably not the greatest father, until after the divorce. Now he has promised to make it all up to them. You can't rewrite or redo the past by overcompensating and bribery. Which is what you seem to be describing about his relationship with his kids. Sometimes dads never stop spoiling their daughters. Mine never did. My mother died when they were young; so we kids were his everything. The girls had him by the heart.
I know you're not going to like my advice; but you have the option to reject it and not bother reading any of it beyond this point. Perhaps it will benefit some other reader in a similar situation, if it's of no use to you.
This man is trapped within a snare he made for himself coming out of a divorce. He feels he needs to make it up to his daughters in order to maintain a relationship with them. He is probably competing with his ex, who is probably undermining his relationship with the young-women. He's trying to counteract whatever their mother is doing, he's trying to buy their love; to ease his own conscience. Many men do this. Especially, if the divorce is a result of his past bad-behavior. He tries to make up for his past, he tries to right his wrongs, and he tries to negotiate with his children; who are obviously punishing him for divorcing their mother. Their mother has probably made it a point to let them know every wrong he ever did; in hopes to make their relationship strained at best. He is doing what he does to counter her moves. You've stepped into a dysfunctional-family; still undergoing the aftermath of a divorce.
You aren't prepared for the complicated life of a recent divorcee with children; and a man having two full-grown daughters at that! They are going to twist him inside-out; and turn him everwhich way but loose. You see it, but you still want to hold-on to him. He has changed his promises to you to appease them. That's what marriage to him will be like. I recommend you get marriage out of your head, you can't even handle dating a divorcee/with children. To female children! Yes, that makes a difference. Call it sexist if you wish; but with boys it would be different.
If you can't deal with his daughters, and he goes out of his way to spoil and please them; his priorities are already established. You are more invested in this relationship than he is. He has no control over his love life; or can't reconcile his past with his ex, or his children. Even if his ex-wife appears indifferent, or hides in the shadows; he's dealing with all three of them at once, and you just fell into the middle of their family dysfunction and rivalry. Even if his wife is the one who sought the divorce, he gets the blame. It that wasn't true, you wouldn't be dealing with all this drama.
Stay in it as long as you think you're getting something out of it. I have a feeling that won't be for long. He isn't sharing all the details of the past; and those young ladies are holding it over his head. Until he gets things under control, you're undergoing the aftermath of his divorce; and you're in the fallout of his daughters' reign of terror and punishment for leaving their mother. You're caught-up in talk about marriage; so you're in a world of denial about what you're seeing right before you very eyes. You think there is somebody out there that has advice on how to check his daughters and whip inline to focus on his relationship with you. That's up to him; and what you're willing to put-up with in order to hang-on to this particular man. He came with baggage, my dear.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 November 2022):
 No, you are not overreacting to this situation. You have been in this relationship long enough to know it is unlikely that anything will change in the near future. If your boyfriend is not prepared to stand up to his daughters, how are you ever going to be together in the future?
You need to sit down with him and lay your cards on the table. Either he tells his daughters that he is entitled to a life of his own or you two have no future.
Trust your gut feeling on this. It does not sound like it's ever going to come right.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2022):
 I think you are seeing more of their dynamics the longer you two have been dating.
Personally, I think it's nice to see a father have a close bond with his grown children but are they close to him for what he PROVIDES - money, gifts, or out of love?
My guess is he is overcompensating for having worked a lot while they were young, thus wasn't around for the ACTUAL parenting. And now... it's kind of too late to PARENT grown-ass adults.
I don't think his daughter will change. They see you as an interloper a threat to their lives and relationship with dad. After all, you are not that much older and you MIGHT give him another child - a competitor. And you are a woman, your partner likes to spend money on them, so he probably spends money on you - the money he spends on YOU means LESS for them.
You say they SEEM spoiled and possessive. Nah, girl - they ARE spoiled and possessive.
If you are really keen on this guy sit him down and ask him, HOW do you think this would ever work out? The "kids" don't want to get to know you, when the youngest is home you don't see him. That is not really a good indicator of how it would being married and living with him. Would you also then have to go stay elsewhere while she visits?
And while he mentioned having a kid with you, I'm betting he will prioritize how his older kids feel and not have any.
So if you WANT marriage and kids - the whole deal... this guy is not it.
I will add this though, if these "kids" don't WANT to meet you, they have the right to make that choice. But it also puts EVERYONE (except them) in a position of walking on eggshells.
I think you are wasting your time on this guy.
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