A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been feeling very disconnected and withdrawn from my partner. Because we are what would be termed as an 'opposites attract' couple, I have found that NOT having certain discussions w/ him is a way for me to avoid - what I feel - are the glaring differences between us, the way we think and live.Funny thing is, it is those heated political and philosophical discussions in the beginning that really attracted me to him. Now here we are 18 months later and I feel stuck because knowing what I know about what he thinks and how he thinks has turned me off.He's a great guy and I don't really want to break up w/ him. But, how do I view our differences as complementary and a positive for our relationship?I sometimes don't know what to say to him. I don't understand his sense of humor sometimes. It's almost as if I have met a stranger. This has all manifested in my being NOT turned on sexually by him. He has no clue. I want my chemistry and happiness back w/ him. He treats me like gold. Recently, we've been having more downs than ups (all because of my reactions to things I've learned about him that aren't horrible by any stretch of the imagination) but it's affected me. When we are apart, I don't miss him terribly. When we are together, I look forward to going back to my own home. I don't enjoy the sex we have (it started off amazingly - now it's just routine). I just feel ambivalent and I've run out of things to say to him.The more I've learned about him, those same good things on the other side of the coin are things I don't like, and the more I've turned off. That makes me sad because I do care deeply about him. I'm not sure if I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, or if there just isn't enough there. He doesn't feel this way at all.I'm scared and sad. When it's good it's great, but when it's not, it's all in my head...Please advise Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSofttouch! Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and thorough answer! That IS the problem - which is all on me. I am focusing on the differences and can't see any common ground because I see our differences as negatives.
He's a great guy. Although we do a lot of weekend getaways, museums, and holidays together, I am still STUCK on being resentful and focusing on what I perceive as negative. So, those weekends are good, but the effects don't last long for me.
I think the problem is *I* have stopped trying to discover new things about him that could bring us together because I think I know everything already - WRONG! My problem is feeling emotional intimacy again w/ him because of my view of our differences.
I will take your advice to heart and commit to being more open and open-minded w/ him -- like I was in the beginning.
Thank you!
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Isn't this true with all relationships? I've heard of Democrats sleeping with Republicans before, and all those heated passions just roiling together make for an interesting relationship.
Maybe what the two of you are missing together is that you're so focused on your differences that you've hardly explored new territories such as simply going out into the world and trying new things. Things that are neutral between philosophical and political stances. There's a lot more in life than just playing intellectual chess.
Part of being a couple is finding new things. Go out hiking, go to a museum; try plays, theater of all kinds.
Start looking at new hobbies you can enjoy together.
That's one way to move towards a new dimension. I think the passion was that you were discovering things about each other, and now, you two have run out of things to discover together that are outside of your mindsets.
Polar opposites sometimes make good couples. Its just that if you focus too much on differences, you'll never see common ground.
Its a thought. You could try it if you want to. Obviously if you feel you're no longer attracted to him, then I would imagine he would be sensing the same thing now.
Talking about taking a new direction and making plans to do new and never-tried things together, helps break that stalemate.
Maybe the two of you ought to make a list of wild things you've always wanted to do, but haven't tried yet.
Again, its a thought. Good luck.
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