A
male
age
41-50,
*e55edup
writes:I've been living with my girlfriend for 3.5 years in a house we've bought together. I love her but i don't know if I am or if I have ever been in love with her. Our relationship is stagnant and it seems like we stopped trying to get to know each other 2 years ago and lately all we do is fight.I'm falling for a girl I used to work with. When we worked together we were very attracted to each other and had a deep connection, but because we were both in relationships and did not want to cheat, we did nothing. About 18 months ago this girl left my job and there was an agonising period where we nearly left our partners to be together. But I couldn't do it. My girlfriend has some long term health problems, not to mention she left her own country to move back to mine with me when i got my new job. I couldn't bring myself to leave her, all her family live in a different country so she would have been alone. I kept in touch with the other girl through email and when she told me she was getting married I didn't stop her, although she claimed she would cancel the wedding at my say so. I still couldn't do it and as much as it hurt, we stopped all contact. Until recently that is. We've been emailing each other again and I met her briefly one night. It was a charmed stolen few hours where we talked and kissed for the first time and she claimed she was unhappy in her marriage and still wanted me. I don't know what to do, a voice in my head and a rip in my stomach keeps telling me that she is the one for me and if I don't try to be with her i'll regret it for the rest of my life.I really dont want to hurt my girlfriend, I think this would devestate her, she's been hurt by men in the past and I never thought that I could do it to her too. I don't know what to do. I realise that the only way I can come out of this happy is by hurting other people. Sorry for the rant, but any advice or criticism will be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): As much as you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, it would be much kinder in the long run to tell her how you feel. It doesn't sound like you want to marry her, so you need to let go of her so she can find someone that does. As far as the other woman, she has gotten married now. If you wanted to be with her you had the opportunity to stop the wedding and didn't do so. If you really wanted her so much I think you would have done it then. Maybe now she's just the forbidden fruit that looks better and better due to the withering of your own relationship. You are both wrong to pursue this. Leave her alone to her marriage, break up with your girlfriend and find someone new.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 December 2008):
 First of all it is important to be honest. You are cheating. When you form a deep bond/connection with a person other than your spouse, in the manner you mean, it's cheating.
You say you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, that's nice, but quite a hollow statement. Based on your behavior you are not fulling your role as a good partner. If you do not intend to do so you should give your girlfriend the opportunity to find a man who will. The harm and disrespect you're creating, while not a good thing, is possibly not as bad as the truth. You see, you're not over this other person but living like you're committed to your girlfriend. It must be hard to live a charade.
Be a man and either focus on your relationship or give her her freedom and truth. Also, you're not evil for feeling attracted to another woman but you're foolish for letting it get this far.
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