A
female
age
36-40,
*ucphie
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 1/2 years and met his friend about 4 years ago and started to fancy him. He went away for a year and I was really glad because I could forget all about him. He came back and started to become really good friends with my boyfriend. The first couple of week were fine, but then all of these feelings came flooding back for him. I think about him ALL the time, from when I wake in the morning to when I fall asleep at night, I can't get him out of my head.I hate myself for feeling this way about him, esp seen as my boyfriend could not get more perfect. I told my boyfriend how I felt about his friend (he prob guessed at first) and suprisingly he is 'ok' about it, says that thinking about someone else in a sexual way is fine.Something really stupid happened with his best friend and myself - we sextexted when we were drunk. Then later on I told him I liked him. He has not been distant but I know he does not feel the same way. I have been going crazy, or at least feeling like I have. Crying all the time, making my self distant, taking things the wrong way. My boyfriend talked to his friend about it for advice on helping me and his friend says (to me) he wants to help me in anyway that he can to get me happy again. He is such a good person caring, thoughtful, helpful - the best friend anyone can have.I really want to get over him, but everyday it gets harder - I'm falling behind on my work, not socialising. What I have thought of doing is avoiding him all together, cut off all ties. It was how I didn't think of him much last year. This option will be very difficult as he socialises with my boyfriend everyday.I live with my boyfriend and have been for 3 1/2 years now. It is horrible how I feel about my boyfriends best friend while I am going out with my boyfriend, I think I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend and I have told him that I think I want to end things between us, he is refusing to let me go and I am really scared of starting my life again. No way could we still live together and not go out anymore. Everytime I try and talk about this with my boyfriend he refuses to let me talk about it and says he does not want to discuss it. I even suggested that we stay together if he wants but we have an open relationship (now this is not for my sake, as I know nothing can ever happen between his friend and me, it is for my boyfriend because he is very attractive and has a wonderful personality and would get a beautiful wonderful girl instantly).I want him to have the security of being in a relationship and that I am always there for him (because I am - I do love him and care for him - as a friend) but I want him to go out there and realise that I am not the special girl that he thinks I am, that loads of girls fancy him and that he can get someone who cares for and treasures him and looks wonderful (I don't know what he sees in me, I used to be thin, but due to being comfortable in a relationship have put on a bit of weight - not overly - I think it just hits the overweight bmi mark and I'm not half as beautiful as he says I am or as beautiful as the girls that fancy him at work).I don't have any friends to talk about this to as his friends are my friends and I don't want to get them involved because it is just wrong - the 'best friend' says if I need to talk to him I can and he will promise to give impartial advice. I am so tempted to talk to him, but I know it is just wrong.I am so confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 November 2009):
I think you know that you have to end thigs with your boyfriend once and for all. If you're feeling this strongly, and really have fallen out of love, then you must end it so he can move on. That would take away most of the confusion out of it. I think you are right, you're with him now because he offers some security and is a good guy. But he just isn't 'The One'.
As for this best friend, I think rather then try to get him, you should spend some time to yourself working out what it is you really do want. It may be that when you're alone, you can think more clearly and you'll be able to see waht you really want. At the moment, there is too much going on and too many emotions for you to think straihgt. You must be alone for a while so you work out what you really want.
But please end it with your boyfriend. He needs to be able to move on.
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