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female
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anonymous
writes: Need advice urgently. I’m married for 1 ½ yrs, no kid. I have problems with my husband. He’s very hot-tempered, flared up easily. Always impatient when talk to me. He always put on grouchy face which spoil my mood a great deal. This hurts me a lot which caused my love for him to be diminishing. I told him about it before we got married, he promised he’ll change. But it seems it’s in him that it can’t be changed. On the other hand, when he’s in good mood, he’ll be very bubbly, have great sense of humor – make me laugh and happy. These are the two extremes about him which driving me crazy (His mood ratio: 1 third happy / 2 third hot-tempered). As my age is catching up, I want to have a baby but he doesn’t want. And of late, he’s thinking of finding a job which allows him to have overseas postings. I feel that he’s being selfish to leave me to take care of the house, staying alone, feeling lonely. I feel I’m being selfish if I stop him from doing so, to pursue his career/dreams. He also has another problem, he’s untidy and personal hygiene is lacking which I discovered only after marriage, these really turned me off! A few months ago, I had met up with a guy by chance. We seems to get along very well and got into intimacy ultimately. Deep inside me, I feel very guilty and sinful but I simply can’t resist – I truly fall for this guy. Day in, day out – I keep thinking of this guy. This guy knows I’m married and whenever I told him about my marriage problems, he’ll try to say a few nice things to save my marriage – which also confused me. Now the problem is, sad to say, I don’t love my hubby as before, the feelings had gone. I dropped hints a few times that I will be leaving him. Reason being I don’t want to deprive him from pursuing his dreams. Dramatically, he’s now a changed man. But I wonder how long will it last. If I stay put, the guilt is killing me whenever I see him and worse, when I have intimacy with him. I also feel it is meaningless and unfair as my heart will be occupied by another person amongst other things that spelled out above. If I leave him, I feel that I’m very cruel to dump him! I don’t wish to become a divorcee – the social stigma can be quite bad. I also don’t wish him to be one too as all this while he strongly against marriage and I was the one who got him into marrying me which he did and now I can’t bear to initiate it. …. Pls help…. I’m Trapped, Miserable, Confused…!
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female
reader, anuja  +, writes (6 March 2009):
See when u convinced him and both of u got married it means that both of u love and respect each other. but that love couldn't be seemed because he is not having habits which u like or he could'nt express his love towards u.
If u really love him and don't want to be a part of social stigma, than try to solve the problem.
First of all try to build his affection to urself by doing things which he like even though u don't like.
Once u think that u have build enough affection and faith.
Take second step
Just get angry on wahatever thing or habits of him u don't like. Have quarrel and fight and do'nt talk to him
He will feel unsecure and lack of ur love and he will come back to u.
If he repeats the same habits aftern some days. Repeat the process from step one.
Whenever he gets too much angry tell him that u will leave him. And even if he is not listening, one day just go out and stay with ur parents without telling him.
He will surely come back to u. And will try to improve himself.
U have to fight till he improves himself.
Ofeten be cool and calm and uderstanding to him and sometimes get angry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): I'm in a similar situation minus the affair. I'm in my late 30's and married for 11 years w/2 kids under 4. You think people will talk because you divorced him. Don’t wait until your affair gets out and you have children of your own. Oh mama, will people talk then! You already fell out of love so do the right thing and let him go. Remember the truth always comes out, it might not be today or tomorrow but it will come out.
My husband didn’t show his anger problem until after we were married. But like you I looked at his good qualities and decided that those where greater then the anger problem.
Think about this, that with time in your heart your husbands qualities will gradually subside and the anger problem will be all you have. My advice is get out before you have kids!
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Though I totally and utterly despise those in relationships who easily jump from one to the next, I also fortunately understand at the same time. Ah, what an internal battle it is.
Sure, he probably really need you right now, and if I were in his shoes, unable to comprehend my own moods, anger, and possible disorders of the mind, I would love my intimate companion to help me out of that. Ah, how beautiful that would be. Alas, it is an ideal that rarely prolongs nor does it even exist in this westernized modernized world of 'independent' thinkers.
If you are very unhappy, you should go. Yes, he will be in pain, but love is selfish. Remember that. Yes, people will tell you that to love is to give, etc, etc, but why do people love in the first place. It's because they want something. They desire the feeling of connectivity. They wish to feel light and passionate in their own little ways. Love itself is selfish. If you never want anything, you will never love anything. Right now, you want something, and your husband isn't giving you much of anything. Is that right? From the looks of it, yes...
Hmmm... A sudden surge of anger. Fortunately, easy to calm when I'm about to go to bed.
Anyway, think about it. If you're so worried about what your local society thinks about you and being a divorced woman, than you shouldn't even try to live at all. There are things in this world that happen to the common man and woman that is so much more emotionally daunting. This problem is easily solvable. It pretty much comes down to how willing you are to pick and choose, and follow through with it.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Well try and talk to him about a few things, tell him whats on your mind and see how you can improve things for the good for the both of you together. The guilt wont subside unfortunately, but is this likely to happen again as you are clearly unhappy ? Maybe even tell your hubby that you have fallen abit out of love with him and you feel the relationship isnt working and tell him why you think this. The longer you stay where you are not happy the more likely you are to find other distractions. Try and see if your husband will hear you out and see if you cant at least give it a go for the both of you. The thing about not getting divorced becuause of the stigma, sorry but why stay married to someone when your unhappy seeking affections from others, when its all about the namesake ? you really need to think about what your doing while your having relations with others, your not putting the work in to your marriage, before you think about divorce or not, you gotta try and talk to your husband, if things dont change, then staying married just because you dont like the sound of being a divorcee is pretty daft if you ask me... your are trapped because you are making yourself feel this way, talk talk talk, thats what you have to do first off, stop relations with others, concentrate on your husband, see if you cant work something out, but if things are really that bad, for godsake dont just stay married to him cos you cant face being a divorcee! At least try and make it work, and stay away other guys until you are clear whats going to happen and this will only complicate things even further!
Good luck
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): I may be wrong, but it sounds like your husband might have a mutipal personality/bi-polar disorder type thing going on. That's usually the reason for severe swings of mood like that... you might want to talk to him and tell him that maybe he should go to the doctor. Though i could be wrong, it's better to be safe than sorry...
If it's not, and you still feel the need to get out of your relationship, don't be afraid of what people will think... It's your life! If your un-happy, as you clearly are, you don't have to stay that way, just because you are worried about what people think. Sometimes people make mistakes in life, and it's not your fault that things turned for the worse. Try talking to him, comunication is the best remedy...
good luck hun, i wish you all the best...
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