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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a few months his best friend is a girl. They dated in the past for a while, but it didn't work out. He doesn't like her that way, but she is madly in love with him and obsessive, never going to leave him alone. She is jealous of me and talks about me, and hasn't met me. I confronted him about it, I want him to choose but I'm afraid of the outcome (afraid she is more important). Although he tells me I'm his only one, and there is no reason to worry, I'm really bothered by their relationship. I just wanted to get an outlook on what other people think of this situation and what you would do in my situation.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Be careful of giving ultimata: "her or me", "my way or the highway" etc. The problem with an ultimatum is that you have to follow through on it, or it doesn't mean anything. Do you really want him to make a choice? What if it's not you?
If he chooses her, then this feelings were for her all along -- after all, they were friends before you met him -- so you haven't "lost" him, he's just gone to what he wanted all along. But by demanding that he choose one or the other, you're putting yourself in a postition as the one controlling the conditions of your relationship.
That's not good.
And "confronting" him about her? Bad idea. Confrontation doesn't help relationships. Ever. Not unless you have a series of 8x10 photographs of him sneaking around with her, smooching and skulking in the shadows together, and he's been uttering lies to the contrary. THAT's when you can 'confront'. Otherwise, you 'discuss', you don't 'confront'.
Please do yourselves a favour and forget you know both the word and the concept.
As to the girl, she's probably jealous that he's with you, and badmouthing you because of it. Smile benignly and ignore her, and she'll go away.
Under no circumstances do you approach the girl. First, because she'll then know she's getting under your skin and will turn up the heat. Second, because you're a third-party in this. Any contact should come through your boyfriend.
Regarding your boyfriend, ask for his assistance (remember, we're not confronting any more!). If he loves you as he says he does, it wouldn't be out of character for him to stand up for you when his friend says bad things about you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): If he asked you if he could cherry pick your friends to his satisfaction, I think you might find that a tad controlling. You are doing the same here. If he says they are friends then they probably are. I think you need to stop being so selfish and instead address your own insecurity and trust issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): It seems to me that this girl only wants to be his "friend" so she can stay close and constantly be in his business so she can make sure no other relationship will ever work for him. Trust me, i've been there before and i know this type. They wanna claim to be a friend and eventually she may try to break you two up. Your boyfriend seems innocent in all this though and i am sure he really loves you. However, i personally wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend hanging out with ANY of his exes, especially one who talks about me. Your relationship should take top priority over any other - especially this girl. He should defend you against her and maybe sever ties with her if she interferes with you two. I would make sure to let him know that she is making problems, but i wouldn't necessarily make him choose. Because she is probably acting all innocent to him and it may make you look like the bad guy. If he sees this situation himself, he should step in and let her know to stop. By him still hanging with her (and she's madly in love with him) it will only keep her dragging along hoping for the day they reunite. Feelings can't go away if the person is always around. Have you thought about confronting her ?? That may help. Anyway, i hope my advice will help a little. Good luck !
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