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anonymous
writes: Hi,I have fallen for a good male friend of mine. He's been incredibly understanding, sweet and encouraging to me recently, and he makes me feel good about myself. He's also a wonderful person, great fun, and knows how to cheer me up. He's there for me when I need someone, and always offers for me to talk to him if I need to. We have been spending quite a bit of time together over the last few months, and have recently grown a lot closer to each other.I absolutely adore him and want to keep him in my life, but it's difficult considering that I feel this way about him and he has been seeing his girlfriend for over a year. They don't see much of each other because it is long-distance, but they are in love, sadly.I don't want to be the "other woman", I don't want to split them up deliberately, and I don't even want to sleep with him while he's still with her. I won't do that. But I don't know how I can handle being friends with him when I feel more for him, or how I could handle him leaving my life so that I do move on from him??It's really hard keeping this to myself. I want him to know how I feel now but I'm afraid that I'll regret it if it ruins our friendship. Can anyone suggest the best way to solve this problem please?? I've never felt this way about anyone before, and my emotions are becoming a serious distraction!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 May 2005):
 You already know the answer to this one, right? You can't have him because he's involved already. It really is as simple as that.I know that it doesn't make it any easier to deal with your warm and affectionate feelings toward him, but remind yourself to be realistic: you're friends with each other, you spend heaps of time together and enjoy each other's company. Therefore, he will also have considered whether to take things a step further. The fact that there's been no movement in that direction tells you what you need to know.Also consider that if you were to insinuate yourself romantically you'd feel terrible for what you were doing to an innocent third party (the distant girlfriend).I've been in this predicament and survived it, so here's what you need to do. You need to put some space between you and him for a while, until your feelings cool off a bit. Not saying that's easy; but think of the alternative. If you continue seeing him, you'll drive yourself nuts with wanting him.Try to immerse yourself in other activities with friends, or take on additional projects from work. Chat to people online. Or walk the dog in the afternoons. Go to the gym. Whatever. You need a distraction from the time you're spending with your friend. Sure, see him now and then, but try to make it in a social setting, so you don't imagine yourself hustling him off into a secluded corner etc.One of the best things you could do to get him off your mind is probably to find someone else who you're interested in, and while I know that's a bit of a needle-in-a-haystack assignment, it will give you a chance to think about possible romantic entanglements with someone else for a while.And OK, while we're being realistic, keep an eye on his relationship. If you hear that he's single again, that's the time you can come clean with him about your feelings and keep your fingers crossed that he's interested.Hope this is some help. (And the attraction really will fade, with time.)
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