A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 29. The man I have been with since I was 20, the only man I have ever had sex with or even kissed, and then married at 25... has delusional jealousy. Life sucks. I don't have the strength to leave him. I love him still to an extent, even though a lot of the positive feelings have been extinguished. I'm still trying to go through some last options to work this out. (That part of it is too long and complicated to talk about). My point is, if we can't be together, how does one get the strength to be apart. I thought he was going to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I feel like my world is falling apart, like I've fallen and I can't get up. The thought of him with another woman is extremely painful, especially since he has made it clear I'm not his preferred physical type, (if it came down to the physical alone, obviously we've been together for other reasons). I'm tall with an average size vagina, he likes little Asian girls with tight vaginas. His symptoms have pretty much always been there but got worse after the first year, by which time I had fallen in love in with him... although I have to question if that much jealousy left any room for any real love on his behalf.... How come nobody ever warns you about these real life things growing up? Everyone just says, you're supposed to grow up and have a family, no one tells you how difficult it actually is (We don't have kids together).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): "he likes little Asian girls with tight vaginas"
This is a fetish that is extremely misguided, vagina wise anyway, but terribly painful to a partner who is subjected to it.
My spouse had dated a man in the past, before me, who had this fixation. Just weird, but it hurt her terribly. When she met me, she asked me after our first few days if I had a "thing for asian women", I laughed and said "no, but they seem to have a thing for me", which was true, married asian women (not single ones, just married ones) just must find me hot for some reason, and I don't flirt, but we've had to deal with this twice since we've been married and I had to deal with it three times before when I was single.
But when a partner does this to you, this is abuse, emotionally, when someone subjects you to it themselves, you need to get professional help to break free from it.
Don't do this alone, there is more to the story than just his behavior, it is your actions that are the problem for you or this wouldn't be ongoing.
If you don't deal with your own issues, you will get out of this relationship, and into another one with similar qualities, and you don't want that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): OP here - I actually don't want to have children, I just wanted a loving husband in my life (which I didn't get), and he is ok with us not having children. The responses I got are pretty much what I know I should do, but don't have the strength to do (yet). Thanks everyone for your responses and support. I just joined a support forum for people who are dealing with spouses that have "delusional disorder jealousy".... baby step at a time.... this is truly a horrible addiction....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): do a trial separation first, or take a job that's in another city so you have a reason to move out without committing to ending the marriage. then you can get used to being on your own - doing all chores on your own, coming home to an empty house, spending your free time alone or with other people besides him - and will probably find it very liberating eventually and then you won't feel as much trepidation about leaving him for good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): I think you just have a lack of confidence that's holding you back. even though the relationship sucks, it's all you know and it's been your entire life for almost a decade and you're probably just afraid of venturing out into the new and being on your own. just push yourself to do it, you'll feel better once you've taken the leap.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 I can't improve on a thing. You should post with a nom-de-plume anon. Good advice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): you're a victim of your own fears. you're still in this marriage because you're afraid of being alone.
"Everyone just says, you're supposed to grow up and have a family"
probably you've internalized this message to where you're afraid to leave the relationship because you see it as derailing your pre-ordained life path and also because no matter how bad it is, it's secure because it's familiar. you're probably afraid that if you leave him there goes your chances for living a normal life like having a family etc . this is a pretty horrible place to be in.
Just leave him first. You'll be OK, you'll figure it out on the way. the longer you stay in a dead end relationship the more time you're wasting while other opportunities pass you by. if you're set on having a family, you don't have all the time in the world to finally decide to move on and find a better mate so you better get to work soon and not waste more time on this guy. (but that said, good for you for not having kids with this jerk! the only worse thing being married to someone who treats you like crap, is having kids with them because then you're really trapped with them even if you eventually divorce)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): It is AWFUL to be crazy in love with someone who is abusing you. If you can't afford counseling, please get some books about or join a 12 step program for LOVE ADDICTION and CO-DEPENDENCY. When you have these intense feelings that you can't leave, even when you're being abused (which you are), love addiction/co-dependency might be issues with which you must deal. These are things that you can overcome without any help from your husband. Good luck, my dear. No real, loving man would tell his beloved wife that he "prefers little Asians with tight pussies." I'm sorry you had to hear such a thing.
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