A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is probably the most I have needed advice of any question I've asked on here. I am facing a separation and ultimately divorce. I'm having a lot of mixed emotions and its been a roller coaster but I'll give the background in as short a story as possible. We have been together for 3 1/2 years, married for just 1 1/2. We have had problems throughout the relationship. I've had problems with his lack of emotions, lack of empathy, and robotic nature. He has had problems with my introverted ways as he is very social and likes to see friends a lot, I am a homebody and am happy with a couple close friends. I'm not getting into great detail but that is a good overview. On July 4th I was at work and my husband texted me. He said he was leaving, it clearly isn't working, he will be gone when I get home. I left work immediately but he was already gone. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts. When he finally would text me back he said he wanted a divorce. I was distraught, blind sided, etc. We had problems but we were seeing a counselor and were actually getting better, at least I was. I had gotten some of my own friends and wasn't as bothered when he wanted to leave all the time. He hadnt made much of a change. A few days later he came back. We said we would work on it. I was still hurt and furious about how he left, I decided I would move out myself. He said he didn't want me to go, we went back and forth about it until I decided to stay and again said I'd work on it. So here we are now. I'm still in the house. We said we would take things slowly and work on it, he hasn't done anything differently. In fact he is worse. He ignores my texts, plays video games all night, doesn't do any of the things he used to do that I did love about him. He said he is depressed and doesn't know what he wants, that he doesn't want to get back into a normal routine of our relationship and he doesnt want to try when he doesnt know if he even wants to be together. When I suggest we just separate and don't speak or see each other for awhile he doesn't like that either. I'm torn at this point. I don't feel any love towards him anymore. At the onset of this on July 4th I thought I knew I wanted him back and wanted to work on it. Now I feel like I just want to get away. I feel guilty and I can't explain it. I feel like I'm supposed to sit around while he ignores me and treats me like shit because we are married and he is my husband who is depressed. Then another part of me thinks "fuck him" because I'm hurt too; he just left me. And I wasn't getting my needs met either, why should I have to sit around being treated like dirt, trying to make him happy meeting his needs when he is doing nothing for me...?I've been all over the place with it. I feel ready to go, then scared of being alone. Ready to go, then feeling like its a marriage and I should try harder. I really was a person who believed marriage is forever, until he left me. Now I feel guilty that I'm giving up and I shouldn't be doing that, even though I do want to. And it's also embarrassing that we only last a year and a half... I want to be on my own. I want to be able to have the option of meeting someone who actually makes me happy. He has said he can't imagine not being able to call me his wife and how sad it will be and he will always love me etc. So I feel guilty that I don't feel any of that at all, I just have a fear of being alone. I don't feel I am losing the love of my life. I don't feel any love at all and question whether I ever was in love with him. If I picture us staying together and 10+ years down the road it makes me depressed. I feel like we are too different. He's an extrovert I'm an introvert to the extreme. I'm emotional as hell he is the least emotional man you will ever meet. He has even gotten into a health kick where he goes to the gym and eats healthy, which is well and fine but I enjoy eating whatever I want. That was something we always did together that is gone now. I feel we had lost everything we had. I guess I don't know my specific question. Just advice. Thoughts. People who have been divorced, how it went and feelings behind it. I feel like such a failure and an idiot. Like a dumb young kid who didn't think it through before she got married. Like I didn't take it seriously enough even though I felt I did. I don't know.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I think that if you stay you are just prolonging the inevitable divorce. If you stay and try to make it work and have kids, it will complicate things.
My first divorce was when i had no job and 2 small children. I survived. so did they. One is 29 now and one is 27.
Personally I think he wants out and you want out and neither of you wants to admit it for fear of looking like a failure.
I get that. but I can't tell you to stay with a man that you do not love that is not making you happy.
This is not 100 years ago when we just grit our teeth and bore our misery... we have options now. divorced women are not BRANDED with a big scarlet D now....
I am married to a man who is a social misfit. A total anti-social person. He's horrid. I'm outgoing and friendly and social and he'd rather live in a cave. If I was 20something and married to him I'd leave.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 July 2013):
Dear OP,
You both were very different from the start and you married after not even two years of relationship. I'd say that you probably made this decision of marriage too early, before you really knew each other very well.
Your husband is depressed, okay, but maybe he is also depressed because he can't make the decision that has to be made. He doesn't know what he wants, so he just procrastinates and goes back and forth in his mind about this. He doesn't make any effort and he neither wants to go back to that routine right now. You know what you want, you want to find someone who's a better match. And I believe it can be for the better for both of you. If you want to help him with his depression, you can make sure he has a counselor or friends looking after him. But I doubt you are the right person to look after him right now, as you are part of the reason why he's depressed. And you're still hurt.
Of course it won't be easy to leave a broken relationship and you'll have to deal with doubts and feelings of guilt. But it can also be a liberation.
Anyway, I don't want to tell you that you need to break up, I think only the people involved can see what's the right thing to do in a relationship. But just know that you breaking up doesn't have to be the end of the world for the both of you. You both don't have any children, so a divorce rather seems like a complicated break up to me. Maybe you need some more time to be able to make a decision. But don't just stay because you want to be serious about marriage.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 July 2013):
The divorce rate is so high because people don't take compatibility into consideration nearly as much as they do love. Love is important, but you can see how far it's taken you without compatibility.
In my opinion you should get out of this relationship. You don't have any kids, so it'll be hard, but not as bad. Learn a lesson and don't rush into a serious commitment in the future without giving lots of thought to your compatibility.
Btw, when I say compatibility, I don't mean you should date your brother. But your issues should cause excessive fighting and cause you to be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I know this is going to sound weird, but have you tried walking over, putting your arms around him, and just holding him?.
Your problems don't actually sound unfixable; it sounds more like you guys are not feeling warmth from the other and are at a standoff until someone caves and shows some vulnerability. Be the first. Save your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2013):
 I would talk to him about continuing to see the counselor, if he refuses then obviously he doesn't REALLY want to work on the marriage, but YOU should continue if you feel it is helping you.
I think right now you are more wounded by HIM walking out and thus shutting down.
I'm not saying you two HAVE to work it out, but I would suggest that you two consider it. After all you DID get married for a reason, right? Was he so different back then? Were you? What has changed? It's ONLY been 18 months, it can't be a whole lot.
As far as not wanting to be married because he is now a health nut and you are not is about the silliest reason I have ever heard. You mentioned he was depressed, and honestly working out and eating right is one of the better things he can do - obviously seeking help from a doctor would perhaps be even better.
If you DO get counseling some more and STILL can't see yourself with him long term, then END it, get it over and done with so you BOTH can move on.
And extrovert + introvert can work just fine, for some. My husband and I are kind of that kind of couple. It takes a lot of work and definitely compromises but I think we do pretty good for the most part. Why? I think, it's because we WANT it to work.
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